Today I was packing up the kitchen. I was home alone, as usual--can I still call this house home?--and putting things into boxes. I was thinking, I don't know where to even start. I looked into the hallway, full of boxes, and tears crept into my eyes. Throw into box, check size, throw into box again. Check my watch. It's been four hours. Where are you?
The front door opens and my head shoots up--it's Finley, smiling and even a little handsome in that new Pea coat of his. The usual argument ensues. Have I eaten? How long have I been doing this, been home alone? And even the moment where he edits himself; the 'How can she just leave y--' and sighs. It's not even a real argument, he doesn't have hostility. He's looking out for me, because I'm too confused to live life right now. I gave up everything I could give up to be behind her, to live for her, to grow, and it isn't enough.
It doesn't even matter, because I only hear the usual things. I only hear them from her, only instead of his, there's hostility and irritation.
It doesn't matter, because when I'm scared and upset and I start to sob, it's Finley who holds and and promises it'll be okay. Still. It's Finley who says, I'll go get you something to eat. Do you want to talk about it?
Even when I was with Finley, and he had huge stuff to deal with, I was his main priority. I admit fully, he wasn't a full adult yet. He wasn't paying pills then, or rent, or electric or internet.
He is now, and he works even harder to take care of me. I wasn't the only one crying today, he was, too. And Katie wasn't there.
Katie isn't there a lot lately.
And she comes home, and she looks at me like she's confused. Why am I upset? But I can't tell her. Whenever I tell her she gets upset and acts like she's guilty, even if all I want is a hug. Even if all I want is to hear it'll be okay.
And he sets down the food. He tells me what I need to hear to function. While she's busy gallivanting off to take care of something else, again, he's there. And I'm leaving him. I'm never going to see him again, and she doesn't even care enough to pick up the pieces of the life we made here.
I'm following her. Again. I want to follow her, of course.
I just wanted to say that it was a good thing I was willing to give up everything for her, since I just have.
Such a shame she wasn't here to see it.
