Last night, I freaked out
my heart started to attack itself
very badly, badly enough to lead to tears
tears, quiet screaming, shuddering
and I thought over every inch of my life and realized:
Fuck, it wasn't from me.
Whoever you are,
whoever I felt last night:
I'm here. Please talk to me.
Please.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Special
"Payton? Remind me to give you a hug for that letter. It was the sweetest thing ever."
You got it, Erin. Always.
Today, I was talking with Jacob Byrnes and his semi-possessive girlfriend, and Schultz came walking towards us. The smell of paint was tainted by the sound of the showchoir rehearsals in the auditorium; sun wafted in the windows like kindness, and I saw her.
She was looking at me, like there were something really important she had to say
and she hugged Jacob, and she greeted hilary
(the familiar relationship mis-approval eyebrow knit present of course)
and then she hugged me.
Now understand, I've hugged Schultz before
but this time she really meant it
because she didn't let go for a really long time
and she kept murmuring hello's in my ears,
and her well-shaped shoulders were trembling.
Welcome home, Schultz, I wanted to say,
but I didn't.
The words choked and died in my throat as I wrapped my arms around my hero
and gave her my heart without the words.
I don't think
they were needed here;
not today.
Not for Schultz.
I felt this big ball of hope,
like things would be the way they were before
and love--my type of love--from Schultz,
for us.
For people like Jacob and I,
John, Hannah, Katie, Kya
all of them who cared enough to work after she was gone
and I felt it.
I felt it, and before I could process it, she was hugging me
and I knew she loved me.
I think she missed me.
Oh, maybe no more than the others
but she did, she really did
and I never thought that Schultz would, I guess.
It gave me a happiness I cannot describe to you
because I saw the total need for seeing somebody like me in her eyes
--no, I don't mean it in the weird way it sounds--
and felt it when she hugged me.
Ergo,
I say it now:
Welcome home, Schultz.
Welcome home.
You got it, Erin. Always.
Today, I was talking with Jacob Byrnes and his semi-possessive girlfriend, and Schultz came walking towards us. The smell of paint was tainted by the sound of the showchoir rehearsals in the auditorium; sun wafted in the windows like kindness, and I saw her.
She was looking at me, like there were something really important she had to say
and she hugged Jacob, and she greeted hilary
(the familiar relationship mis-approval eyebrow knit present of course)
and then she hugged me.
Now understand, I've hugged Schultz before
but this time she really meant it
because she didn't let go for a really long time
and she kept murmuring hello's in my ears,
and her well-shaped shoulders were trembling.
Welcome home, Schultz, I wanted to say,
but I didn't.
The words choked and died in my throat as I wrapped my arms around my hero
and gave her my heart without the words.
I don't think
they were needed here;
not today.
Not for Schultz.
I felt this big ball of hope,
like things would be the way they were before
and love--my type of love--from Schultz,
for us.
For people like Jacob and I,
John, Hannah, Katie, Kya
all of them who cared enough to work after she was gone
and I felt it.
I felt it, and before I could process it, she was hugging me
and I knew she loved me.
I think she missed me.
Oh, maybe no more than the others
but she did, she really did
and I never thought that Schultz would, I guess.
It gave me a happiness I cannot describe to you
because I saw the total need for seeing somebody like me in her eyes
--no, I don't mean it in the weird way it sounds--
and felt it when she hugged me.
Ergo,
I say it now:
Welcome home, Schultz.
Welcome home.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Special: don't read this, please
I wish I could say that today was perfectbecause it started out and nearly was.
I felt okay, until I saw her
until she smiled the Allegra smile
until I ran away from Katie as fast as I could, hiding my tears,
trying not to tell Katie,
She loves you, she loves you.
She does.
Or at least she thinks she does.
Oh, fuck, do I know she's going to pick up my sunlight
throw her aside like she were garbage
and blame somebody else for it, I sense it coming.
That didn't matter.
I told Kate I was a bitch and offered her a puppy,
ignoring my suffocating heart, holding back the tears
to make my Katie smile.
That's how I work.
It's all I know how to do, no matter how much pain I feel
when they came together, holding hands, through my woods
I could not see or hear them, no, but I could feel them
The feel of warmth from their hands entertwined made me reel
made me try to flee
made me wish the shadows on the ground would wrap a knot around my heart
and tie it tight, so tight.
And then I told Kate how to make it out of there
and then I tried really hard not to scare, but pretend I was trying
and then I ran into the woods
where I hid for groups last year, waiting for them
and I cried.
I cried in the light of the moon,
I cried in the lonely, low-hung night
I couldn't help it; no matter how happy they were
my heart was killing me, and I cried
and the tears made my second face fall from me
when I got back, a group started to touch me
their hands ran over my shoulders, my chest,
tearing the velcro suit-tie as I undid my belt,
them pulling on my legs
and I wanted to let them do it
I knew what they wanted, and I wanted to let them
maybe if I hurt outside, the inside wouldn't be so bad
the tears wouldn't singe my cheeks like fire from Hell--
but Theresa was behind them
and she screamed and pulled me out, and Kelly came running
and they laughed and pushed and ran from me
and the pleading I wanted to give for the pain
was ended by Theresa, asking
'Who where they? What happened?'
I went back to work
realizing that fear is meant for those
who give a shit if they live or die.
I do not.
Then, another group
one of elder women with glowsticks on their pretty, thin necks
I walked up behind them, screamed
and they ran inside except for one woman
who ran after me when I turned back to leave the Vortex
and hit me in the face
and I fell off the railing onto the burlap
and let the burrs sink into my skin
tear-stained paint ripping from me.
It doesn't matter.
Any of it.
My heart is broken.
I didn't want it to be, I don't want it to be still
I especially don't want it to be anyone's fault
but when I close my eyes and picture them together
the light in my heart goes out
and I cry.
I try so hard not to let it happen
but it does,
it always does.
Time to go back to work....
I felt okay, until I saw her
until she smiled the Allegra smile
until I ran away from Katie as fast as I could, hiding my tears,
trying not to tell Katie,
She loves you, she loves you.
She does.
Or at least she thinks she does.
Oh, fuck, do I know she's going to pick up my sunlight
throw her aside like she were garbage
and blame somebody else for it, I sense it coming.
That didn't matter.
I told Kate I was a bitch and offered her a puppy,
ignoring my suffocating heart, holding back the tears
to make my Katie smile.
That's how I work.
It's all I know how to do, no matter how much pain I feel
when they came together, holding hands, through my woods
I could not see or hear them, no, but I could feel them
The feel of warmth from their hands entertwined made me reel
made me try to flee
made me wish the shadows on the ground would wrap a knot around my heart
and tie it tight, so tight.
And then I told Kate how to make it out of there
and then I tried really hard not to scare, but pretend I was trying
and then I ran into the woods
where I hid for groups last year, waiting for them
and I cried.
I cried in the light of the moon,
I cried in the lonely, low-hung night
I couldn't help it; no matter how happy they were
my heart was killing me, and I cried
and the tears made my second face fall from me
when I got back, a group started to touch me
their hands ran over my shoulders, my chest,
tearing the velcro suit-tie as I undid my belt,
them pulling on my legs
and I wanted to let them do it
I knew what they wanted, and I wanted to let them
maybe if I hurt outside, the inside wouldn't be so bad
the tears wouldn't singe my cheeks like fire from Hell--
but Theresa was behind them
and she screamed and pulled me out, and Kelly came running
and they laughed and pushed and ran from me
and the pleading I wanted to give for the pain
was ended by Theresa, asking
'Who where they? What happened?'
I went back to work
realizing that fear is meant for those
who give a shit if they live or die.
I do not.
Then, another group
one of elder women with glowsticks on their pretty, thin necks
I walked up behind them, screamed
and they ran inside except for one woman
who ran after me when I turned back to leave the Vortex
and hit me in the face
and I fell off the railing onto the burlap
and let the burrs sink into my skin
tear-stained paint ripping from me.
It doesn't matter.
Any of it.
My heart is broken.
I didn't want it to be, I don't want it to be still
I especially don't want it to be anyone's fault
but when I close my eyes and picture them together
the light in my heart goes out
and I cry.
I try so hard not to let it happen
but it does,
it always does.
Time to go back to work....
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Special
I wrote another poem for you today.It's an apology
one I surprised myself by meaning.
I don't have it with me right now, but please
expect it tomorrow.
If not on the blog
then my hand-written version.
I know better than to cross the line
and I'll leave you to your space, I promise
I just hope you can forgive me.
I swear
I'll learn my place.
one I surprised myself by meaning.
I don't have it with me right now, but please
expect it tomorrow.
If not on the blog
then my hand-written version.
I know better than to cross the line
and I'll leave you to your space, I promise
I just hope you can forgive me.
I swear
I'll learn my place.
Special: Taking a grain of advice
Today, Eliac went to school.
I wore a costume, a red dress with white flowers; I did up my hair
I covered my face with magic
and my smile was glimmmering;
I did not curb my wishful tongue.
I find
that the sparkle of a silver cape in the grey-clouded sun
can soothe, ever so slightly, the feel of a heart falling to pieces
since I fucked us up.
My efforts were rewarded by God.
People spoke to me, not in whispers or laughing points,
but admiration
I heard things like,
"Payton, you look a lot more like yourself today than usual"
and
"Payton, why haven't you worn something like this before?"
I welcomed the stares of the men on my waistline
and smiled through the screams that were shattering my soul
causing my teeth to chatter like I were cold.
When I spoke,
people stared for a moment
then they processed, then answered me
and I noticed a little Rose creeping onto their lips like the spread of
an open bottle
and I smiled.
The boys and girls who made fun of me in High School?
They're here
among the kind ones, intelligent ones
their lips move against my being,
I feel their harshness against my heart.
That's the reminder I was searching for:
I'm meant to walk these halls with my eyes down
How dare I cross the line so set for me
and empty their anger from my heart!
I could sense the tension, like a wire set to snap
on a tightrope, dust flying on the crowd from up above
I am not the source, however
the source is my tongue, my movements, me
because that part doesn't change.
Eliac is also charming.
When she speaks, she cheats,
worms her way into you, violates your will to resist
that is my talent, which I so rare employ
let me say, it's hard not to in moments like this
because in no time at all, my slow smiles and melting words of old poetry
won me hands to make them mine
in cards, their stares of awe bought my lunch
such is the price of calling my sweet voice
a liar without song.
Ha, ha!
....And then they left.
They left me alone in the longue
thinking about card games and charm
waiting for the pain to stop.
I need longer than that
need a purpose to draw them to me
and have none.
Eliac
is useless
without your lips to taste to magic
on my dull and battered heart.
Oh, the knowledge I could draw you from your lives
pluck your innocence like berries in the summer sun
with only my tongue and a soft-moving dress
makes me ache
makes me sore
makes me cry
but you were SPEAKING to me!
What do I do with that?
I wore a costume, a red dress with white flowers; I did up my hair
I covered my face with magic
and my smile was glimmmering;
I did not curb my wishful tongue.
I find
that the sparkle of a silver cape in the grey-clouded sun
can soothe, ever so slightly, the feel of a heart falling to pieces
since I fucked us up.
My efforts were rewarded by God.
People spoke to me, not in whispers or laughing points,
but admiration
I heard things like,
"Payton, you look a lot more like yourself today than usual"
and
"Payton, why haven't you worn something like this before?"
I welcomed the stares of the men on my waistline
and smiled through the screams that were shattering my soul
causing my teeth to chatter like I were cold.
When I spoke,
people stared for a moment
then they processed, then answered me
and I noticed a little Rose creeping onto their lips like the spread of
an open bottle
and I smiled.
The boys and girls who made fun of me in High School?
They're here
among the kind ones, intelligent ones
their lips move against my being,
I feel their harshness against my heart.
That's the reminder I was searching for:
I'm meant to walk these halls with my eyes down
How dare I cross the line so set for me
and empty their anger from my heart!
I could sense the tension, like a wire set to snap
on a tightrope, dust flying on the crowd from up above
I am not the source, however
the source is my tongue, my movements, me
because that part doesn't change.
Eliac is also charming.
When she speaks, she cheats,
worms her way into you, violates your will to resist
that is my talent, which I so rare employ
let me say, it's hard not to in moments like this
because in no time at all, my slow smiles and melting words of old poetry
won me hands to make them mine
in cards, their stares of awe bought my lunch
such is the price of calling my sweet voice
a liar without song.
Ha, ha!
....And then they left.
They left me alone in the longue
thinking about card games and charm
waiting for the pain to stop.
I need longer than that
need a purpose to draw them to me
and have none.
Eliac
is useless
without your lips to taste to magic
on my dull and battered heart.
Oh, the knowledge I could draw you from your lives
pluck your innocence like berries in the summer sun
with only my tongue and a soft-moving dress
makes me ache
makes me sore
makes me cry
but you were SPEAKING to me!
What do I do with that?
Special: City of Ashes quotes
“Something inside Clary cracked and broke, and words came pouring out. 'What do you want me to tell you? The truth? The truth is that I love Simon like I should love you, and I wish he was my brother and you weren't, but I can't do anything about that and neither can you!”
“Maybe I could love you someday."
If you ever do," he said, "come and let me know. You know where to find me."
Her teeth were chattering harder. "I can't lose you, Simon. I can't."
You never will. I'm not leaving you. But I'd rather have what we have, which is real and true and important, than have you pretend anything else. When I'm with you, I want to know I'm with the real you, the real Clary."
She leaned her head against his, closing her eyes. He still felt like Simon, despite everything; still smelled like him, like his laundry soap. "Maybe I don't know who that is."
But I do.”
“What they had between them was still as fragile as flickering candle flame, as delicate as eggshell - and he knew that if it shattered, if he somehow let it break and be destroyed, something inside him would shatter too, something that could never be fixed.”
“I'll just be your brother from now on."
he said, looking at her with a hopeful expectation that she would be pleased, which made her want to scream that he was smashing her heart into pieces and he had to stop. "That's what you wanted, isn't it?"
It took her a long time to answer, and when she did, her own voice sounded like an echo, coming from very far away.
"Yes," she said, and she heard the rush of waves in her ears and her eyes stung as if from sand or salt spray. "That's what I wanted.”
“Why should I tell you everything about how I feel when you never tell me anything? It's like banging my head on a wall, except at least if I were banging my head on a wall, I'd be able to make myself stop."
There are many, many more...
“Maybe I could love you someday."
If you ever do," he said, "come and let me know. You know where to find me."
Her teeth were chattering harder. "I can't lose you, Simon. I can't."
You never will. I'm not leaving you. But I'd rather have what we have, which is real and true and important, than have you pretend anything else. When I'm with you, I want to know I'm with the real you, the real Clary."
She leaned her head against his, closing her eyes. He still felt like Simon, despite everything; still smelled like him, like his laundry soap. "Maybe I don't know who that is."
But I do.”
“What they had between them was still as fragile as flickering candle flame, as delicate as eggshell - and he knew that if it shattered, if he somehow let it break and be destroyed, something inside him would shatter too, something that could never be fixed.”
“I'll just be your brother from now on."
he said, looking at her with a hopeful expectation that she would be pleased, which made her want to scream that he was smashing her heart into pieces and he had to stop. "That's what you wanted, isn't it?"
It took her a long time to answer, and when she did, her own voice sounded like an echo, coming from very far away.
"Yes," she said, and she heard the rush of waves in her ears and her eyes stung as if from sand or salt spray. "That's what I wanted.”
“Why should I tell you everything about how I feel when you never tell me anything? It's like banging my head on a wall, except at least if I were banging my head on a wall, I'd be able to make myself stop."
There are many, many more...
Special: this is for me, because this is my blog
Warning: I will not change the way I am. I can try, but I never will really.
Secondary warning: This is one of those posts where I rant and bitch. Because it's a blog, and that's what I'm supposed to do.
Here's how my life is working right now
I hand somebody my heart and they tapdance on it
they stomp on it, it isn't for them
it's too old or too rare or too different
I'm a different brand of human
I'm a different taste of Love.
Nobody wants that.
I've cried in a library full of people over it
I've cleared my throat and spoke my peace to people who were allegedly accepting
I've walked with my head down for four-going-on-five years,
wishing it would change, and it won't.
People read this and tell me they'll be different
and for awhile they are
and then I offer my heart to them
and they spurn me.
I give them everything I am
everything I have
but this is not a fairytale, brothers
despite the fact my heart wants it to be
not only to they turn away
not only is it worthless since their need for it is passed
but they see it as a problem.
Love costs too much to them.
Love has a cost?
How dare you let my act of defense
of the heart you stomped on
be spoken as a defilement to my honor.
Of course, all I can want is my happiness
I haven't spent months trying to make you happy or anything
I'm also sorry that I was a little upset
that you don't
you realize it's the equal of Finley dumping me right?
You realize that's how it feels?
Of course you do, you're an intelligent young woman
and I open your blog and find a big Kate blog post.
Yup.
Nothing's changed.
You want me to be honest with you?
Fine, I'm furious
and not just because you gave her so many chances and wouldn't give me one
oh no
I'm pissed because you're fucking yourself over by dwelling on this and her.
"“You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back."
Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have been broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?"
Alec set his jaw in a stubborn line. "I want to know why you haven't called me back."
Magnus threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of utter exasperation. Alec noted with interest that when he did it, a few sparks escaped from his fingertips, like fireflies escaping from a jar. "You're an idiot."
"Is that why you haven't called me? Because I'm an idiot?"
"No." Magnus strode toward him. "I didn't call you because I'm tired of you only wanting me around when you need something. I'm tired of watching you be in love with someone else - someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do."
"You love me?"
"You stupid Nephilim," Magnus said patiently. "Why else am I here? Why else would I have spent the past few weeks patching up all your moronic friends every time they got hurt? And getting you out of every ridiculous situation you found yourself in? Not to mention helping you win a battle against Valentine. And all completely free of charge!" "
I am not a warlock, Katie
but the man makes an excellent point.
So I'm still here
I even unblocked my blog, though that took an act of will
you still have my heart.
It didn't bounce back into my chest
and now I've hurt you
I fucked us up
and I hate myself for it.
Hate myself for it
hate, hate, hate
loathe entirely
hate.... hate.... hate.
I'm sorry.
Secondary warning: This is one of those posts where I rant and bitch. Because it's a blog, and that's what I'm supposed to do.
Here's how my life is working right now
I hand somebody my heart and they tapdance on it
they stomp on it, it isn't for them
it's too old or too rare or too different
I'm a different brand of human
I'm a different taste of Love.
Nobody wants that.
I've cried in a library full of people over it
I've cleared my throat and spoke my peace to people who were allegedly accepting
I've walked with my head down for four-going-on-five years,
wishing it would change, and it won't.
People read this and tell me they'll be different
and for awhile they are
and then I offer my heart to them
and they spurn me.
I give them everything I am
everything I have
but this is not a fairytale, brothers
despite the fact my heart wants it to be
not only to they turn away
not only is it worthless since their need for it is passed
but they see it as a problem.
Love costs too much to them.
Love has a cost?
How dare you let my act of defense
of the heart you stomped on
be spoken as a defilement to my honor.
Of course, all I can want is my happiness
I haven't spent months trying to make you happy or anything
I'm also sorry that I was a little upset
that you don't
you realize it's the equal of Finley dumping me right?
You realize that's how it feels?
Of course you do, you're an intelligent young woman
and I open your blog and find a big Kate blog post.
Yup.
Nothing's changed.
You want me to be honest with you?
Fine, I'm furious
and not just because you gave her so many chances and wouldn't give me one
oh no
I'm pissed because you're fucking yourself over by dwelling on this and her.
"“You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back."
Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have been broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?"
Alec set his jaw in a stubborn line. "I want to know why you haven't called me back."
Magnus threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of utter exasperation. Alec noted with interest that when he did it, a few sparks escaped from his fingertips, like fireflies escaping from a jar. "You're an idiot."
"Is that why you haven't called me? Because I'm an idiot?"
"No." Magnus strode toward him. "I didn't call you because I'm tired of you only wanting me around when you need something. I'm tired of watching you be in love with someone else - someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do."
"You love me?"
"You stupid Nephilim," Magnus said patiently. "Why else am I here? Why else would I have spent the past few weeks patching up all your moronic friends every time they got hurt? And getting you out of every ridiculous situation you found yourself in? Not to mention helping you win a battle against Valentine. And all completely free of charge!" "
I am not a warlock, Katie
but the man makes an excellent point.
So I'm still here
I even unblocked my blog, though that took an act of will
you still have my heart.
It didn't bounce back into my chest
and now I've hurt you
I fucked us up
and I hate myself for it.
Hate myself for it
hate, hate, hate
loathe entirely
hate.... hate.... hate.
I'm sorry.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Special
All right, FinYou're the only one that can see this.
She shot me down
and I'm withering.
It hurts like a bitch
and I want to cry, but you're in the other room.
So I won't.
I'll smile and I'll pretend that we're okay
even after she crushed me,
shot me down totally
not even a shred of hope.
I'll still help her despite this ache.
I just won't let her help me
because she doesn't give a shit.
She shot me down
and I'm withering.
It hurts like a bitch
and I want to cry, but you're in the other room.
So I won't.
I'll smile and I'll pretend that we're okay
even after she crushed me,
shot me down totally
not even a shred of hope.
I'll still help her despite this ache.
I just won't let her help me
because she doesn't give a shit.
Special
Amin yava i'amin corm,
ar'ilya i'naikelea mela.
I surrender to my heart,
and all the painful love.
After all
if being human didn't work
then it's about time that I stopped:
humans feel too much pain
for something that they love;
immortals
merely fight for it.
And besides:
what human
will ever accept me?
ar'ilya i'naikelea mela.
I surrender to my heart,
and all the painful love.
After all
if being human didn't work
then it's about time that I stopped:
humans feel too much pain
for something that they love;
immortals
merely fight for it.
And besides:
what human
will ever accept me?
Special: Fighting for Breath
Fighting for breath?
I am. It's a habit.
Cookie for those of you who recognize the dialogue I had yesterday;
cookie for fucking reference.
"Lady Eliac, I beg the presence of your wit-filled tongue."
"Ignio. How may I aid your call?"
"My Lord Siragon has bade our contact and conference, out of concern."
...Shit.
"My Lord Siragon negated to mention the degree of his leisure towards the making of unneeded protection, last we spoke. What makes you think you have a right to sound the call that he would not?"
"He asked me to, Eliac."
"...What? Why?"
"Because Zach's just as worried about you as I am, Payton. You oughta know that."
"Why are you two so worried, anyway? I haven't exactly been fighting off your attentions with loaded guns. In fact, I'm surprised you even still had my msn address around. What happened? You drop off the face of the earth?"
"Payton! It was... it's complicated..."
"Fuck you. I'm out."
"Wait!"
"Why the fuck should I, Michael? You tell me that. You tell me that one thing."
"I know that I have hurt you. I know I have. I touched your sweet face against my lips, I let your heart beat against the feel of my hands. You have defended me from many a defamation; yet I abandoned you at the first sign of turmoil, the first to flee from you like so many did after me. I did not bother to learn the sweetness of the sunrise in your eyes when you spoke of him; did not bother to speak of it with my consort. What did I care of your happiness, if it was not with me? If it was with a human boy? Gods, how I desired to lay with you again, my Lady. Tempered flame against the water means steam, and I breathed in the scent of it when I heard your words and felt your passions. Please, my lady; I beg your renowned patience and indulgence."
"...You think that a well-written speech can lighten the weight of my heart, Lord Ignio? How amusing. One with so much practice at tempting the passion of women must be aware that their broken heart's pieces are too small to be a burden? You beg my patience, yet I sense your desire for my renown as well. For that oblique, you have gained the price of my indulgence as well. Speak wisely; perhaps I'll even listen to you."
"You would accuse me of being dishonest; when I come to you, unarmed, in peace, against popular dictation? Against Azrael himself; and baring the seal of none less than my own house?"
"Your concern is not reward enough?"
"As you see fit, my lady."
"What is it, by the way, Michael?"
"Your heart, my lady, being nothing less than treasured gold or sultry promises... Being--"
"Yeah, yeah. Okay. What about my heart?"
"I.... he told me about her."
"....He BETTER not have. That conversation was--was private!"
"And your fiance? Does he know?"
"Well he does..... but......."
"But you love her too."
Fuck.
Fuckity fuckity fuck.
I am. It's a habit.
Cookie for those of you who recognize the dialogue I had yesterday;
cookie for fucking reference.
"Lady Eliac, I beg the presence of your wit-filled tongue."
"Ignio. How may I aid your call?"
"My Lord Siragon has bade our contact and conference, out of concern."
...Shit.
"My Lord Siragon negated to mention the degree of his leisure towards the making of unneeded protection, last we spoke. What makes you think you have a right to sound the call that he would not?"
"He asked me to, Eliac."
"...What? Why?"
"Because Zach's just as worried about you as I am, Payton. You oughta know that."
"Why are you two so worried, anyway? I haven't exactly been fighting off your attentions with loaded guns. In fact, I'm surprised you even still had my msn address around. What happened? You drop off the face of the earth?"
"Payton! It was... it's complicated..."
"Fuck you. I'm out."
"Wait!"
"Why the fuck should I, Michael? You tell me that. You tell me that one thing."
"I know that I have hurt you. I know I have. I touched your sweet face against my lips, I let your heart beat against the feel of my hands. You have defended me from many a defamation; yet I abandoned you at the first sign of turmoil, the first to flee from you like so many did after me. I did not bother to learn the sweetness of the sunrise in your eyes when you spoke of him; did not bother to speak of it with my consort. What did I care of your happiness, if it was not with me? If it was with a human boy? Gods, how I desired to lay with you again, my Lady. Tempered flame against the water means steam, and I breathed in the scent of it when I heard your words and felt your passions. Please, my lady; I beg your renowned patience and indulgence."
"...You think that a well-written speech can lighten the weight of my heart, Lord Ignio? How amusing. One with so much practice at tempting the passion of women must be aware that their broken heart's pieces are too small to be a burden? You beg my patience, yet I sense your desire for my renown as well. For that oblique, you have gained the price of my indulgence as well. Speak wisely; perhaps I'll even listen to you."
"You would accuse me of being dishonest; when I come to you, unarmed, in peace, against popular dictation? Against Azrael himself; and baring the seal of none less than my own house?"
"Your concern is not reward enough?"
"As you see fit, my lady."
"What is it, by the way, Michael?"
"Your heart, my lady, being nothing less than treasured gold or sultry promises... Being--"
"Yeah, yeah. Okay. What about my heart?"
"I.... he told me about her."
"....He BETTER not have. That conversation was--was private!"
"And your fiance? Does he know?"
"Well he does..... but......."
"But you love her too."
Fuck.
Fuckity fuckity fuck.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Special: Playlist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCW1i5HQ0o0
You'll never find another love like mine,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIjkVn_ro0g
so don't you wanna stay here a little while,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEh5pWjcWCg
my Tainted love?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uozA4PQwYl0
Everlasting love?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMDpyMbY4aE&feature=related
'Cuz I don't wanna lose your love...
You'll never find another love like mine,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIjkVn_ro0g
so don't you wanna stay here a little while,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEh5pWjcWCg
my Tainted love?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uozA4PQwYl0
Everlasting love?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMDpyMbY4aE&feature=related
'Cuz I don't wanna lose your love...
Special: The Mortal instruments: Understanding Clary Fray
Begin long quote:
“I know that I will not leave my sister here in your Court,” said Jace, “and since there is nothing to be learned from either her or myself, perhaps you could do us the favor of releasing her?”
The Queen smiled. It was a beautiful, terrible smile. The Queen was a lovely woman; she had that inhuman loveliness that faeries did, that was more like the loveliness of hard crystal than the beauty of a human. The Queen did not look any particular age: she could have been sixteen or forty-five. Jace supposed there were those who would have found her attractive — people had died for love of the Queen — but she gave him a cold feeling in his chest, as if he’d swallowed ice water too fast. “What if I told you she could be freed by a kiss?”
It was Clary who replied, bewildered: “You want Jace to kiss you?”
As the Queen and Court laughed, the icy feeling in Jace’s chest intensified. Clary didn’t understand faeries, he thought. He’d tried to explain, but there was no explaining, not really. Whatever the Queen wanted from them, it wasn’t a kiss from him; she could have demanded that without all this show and nonsense. What she wanted was to see them pinned and struggling like butterflies. It was something immortality did to you, he’d often thought: dulled your senses, your emotions; the sharp, uncontrollable, pitiable responses of human beings were to faeries like fresh blood to a vampire. Something living. Something they didn’t have themselves.
“Despite his charms,” the Queen said, flicking a glance toward Jace — her eyes were green, like Clary’s, but not like Clary’s at all — “that kiss will not free the girl.”
“I could kiss Meliorn,” suggested Isabelle, shrugging.
The Queen shook her head slowly. “Nor that. Nor any one of my Court.”
Isabelle threw up her hands; Jace wanted to ask her what she’d expected — kissing Meliorn wouldn’t have bothered her, so obviously the Queen wouldn’t care about it. He supposed it had been nice of her to offer, but Iz, at least, ought to know better. She’d had dealings with faeries before.
Maybe it wasn’t just knowing the way the Fair Folk thought, Jace wondered. Maybe it was knowing how people who enjoyed cruelty for the sake of cruelty thought. Isabelle was thoughtless, and sometimes vain, but she wasn’t cruel. She tossed her dark hair back and scowled. “I’m not kissing any of you,” she said firmly. “Just so it’s official.”
“That hardly seems necessary,” said Simon, stepped forward. “If a kiss is all . . .”
He took a step toward Clary, who didn’t move away. The ice in Jace’s chest turned into liquid fire; he clenched his hands at his sides as Simon took Clary gently by the arms and looked down into her face. She rested her hands on Simon’s waist, as if she’d done it a million times before. Maybe she had, for all he knew. He knew Simon loved her; he’d known it since he’d seen them together in that stupid coffee shop, the other boy practically choking on getting the words “I love you” out of his mouth while Clary looked around the room, restlessly alive, her green eyes darting everywhere. She’s not interested in you, mundane boy, he’d thought with satisfaction. Get lost. And then been surprised he’d thought it. What difference did it make to him what this girl he barely knew thought?
That seemed like a lifetime ago. She wasn’t some girl he barely knew anymore: she was Clary. She was the one thing in his life that mattered more than anything else, and watching Simon put his hands on her, wherever he wanted to, made him feel at once sick and faint and murderously angry. The urge to stalk up and rip the two of them apart was so strong he could barely breathe.
Clary glanced back at him, her red hair slipping over her shoulder. She looked concerned, which was bad enough. He couldn’t stand the thought that she might feel sorry for him. He looked away fast, and caught the eye of the Seelie Queen, glimmering with delight: now this was what she was after. Their pain, their agony.
“No,” said the Queen, to Simon, in a voice like the soft slice of a knife. “That is not what I want either.”
Simon stepped away from Clary, reluctantly. Relief pounded through Jace’s veins like blood, drowning out what his friends were saying. For a moment all he cared about was that he wasn’t going to have to watch Clary kiss Simon. Then Clary seemed to swim into focus: she was very pale, and he couldn’t help wondering what she was thinking. Was she disappointed not to be kissed by Simon? Relieved as he was? He thought of Simon kissing her hand earlier than day and shoved the memory away viciously, still staring at his sister. Look up, he thought. Look at me. If you love me, you’ll look at me.
She crossed her arms over her chest, the way she did when she was cold or upset. But she didn’t look up. The conversation went on around them: who was going to kiss who, what was going to happen. Hopeless rage rose up in Jace’s chest, and as usual, found its escape in a sarcastic comment.
“Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,” he said. “I’d rather stay down here and rot.”
“Forever?” said Simon. His eyes were big and dark and serious. “Forever’s an awfully long time.”
Jace looked back at those eyes. Simon was probably a good person, he thought. He loved Clary and he wanted to take care of her and make her happy. He’d probably make a spectacular boyfriend. Logically, Jace knew, it was exactly what he ought to want for his sister. But he couldn’t look at Simon without wanting to kill someone. “I knew it,” he said nastily. “You want to kiss me, don’t you?”
“Of course not. But if—”
“I guess it’s true what they say. There are no straight men in the trenches.”
“That’s atheists, jackass.” Simon was bright red. “There are no atheists in the trenches.”
It was the Queen who interrupted them, leaning forward so that her white neck and breasts were displayed above the neckline of her low-cut gown. “While this is all very amusing, the kiss that will free the girl is the kiss that she most desires,” she said. “Only that and nothing more.”
/End long quote
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Special: I try so hard to know
You think I don't know
that your heart is complicated right now?
I am not
your obligation
and I do not
expect to be.
Especially not
in the face of your experiences, Katie.
The ones I *can't* fix.
The ones I sense, and understand
and can offer nothing for
but my always-open arms.
As for me?
A blow of old pain
is still old
and still stinging in my heart
for being different
(while my greatest crux as well you know)
it isn't your job;
don't think I don't know that.
I write for myself,
too.
I'm reviewing with Finley today.
Driving, not people
because I'm used to them
used to editing
used to throwing on a smile.
Driving?
Not so much.
Iron scares me.
Seriously, it's a habit by now
one I cannot retract
one I am good at acting around.
But it'll let me see you.
You think I don't tell you my heart?
You'd be right.
You think you know why?
You'd be wrong.
It's complicated, Katie.
It just is.
I'm not saying yours isn't
I'm talking about me.
My heart is causing me to freak out
has been for months
and I'm sorry if one sentence got your goat.
I'll make sure
to warn Hannah
in advance.
For now,
I'll stop infringing on your
treasured life as much as I can;
not only because I feel bad that I need to be near you
but also
because hiding my heart is tiring
after all this time
after the first part has burned away
Katie, the rest won't leave me
no matter how much I try
to convince myself otherwise.
After all
you have other friends
and even if this will kick the fuck out of me
it'll be easier than trying to untie my lips
and tell you the truth.
Those words I want to tell you
tell you in my nightmare-like dreams
before you walk out on me.
For all my writing,
words on some things just won't come
relationships just won't change
not just because I wish they would
even if Finley knows now
and told me that it's okay with him.
there's a lot dependent on me
and I hate it
I don't mean the work or schooling
well maybe the schooling, I hate it there
I hate smiling and speaking and being ignored
just like before
I hate it when I try to plan something with new friends
ones I thought I had
and I see the gleam in their eyes that says, "Shit"
before they make some polite excuse.
So yes,
that's "old"
But Katie, that's what my life is like.
When I'm not talking to you,
Fucking it up with poor Kate, who yes, I still cry over
which I know you understand, that second line, there
or trying to explain things he isn't used to to Finley
those things being the drama of women
the heart-sores of Payton
(Why?
Why isn't he used to them?
Because I used to give them to you
and for the biggest stuff I have right now,
I feel like I can't.
Not with how you are right now
not with how I AM right now
it just...)
My tongue is silent
and I write to myself.
Because people won't listen when I speak.
Remember when that guy opened a door into my face on the phone?
They do that every day, without the door
and because I love them, I apologize for it.
Always will;
I really can't help it by now
Kate told me the same thing, that I shouldn't
and I tried
and Kate started talking to me
in the long run, I don't know if it worked or not
but now it leaves me scared.
What that means is
when your life gets interesting and busy and all the things I want it to be
I freak the fuck out
because I'm trying not to tell you how dependent I am on you
because it scares me twice as much as she does.
Oh, there's much to it than that
but I'm doing the right thing
yes, I am sure
I'm leaving you out of it
because I'll say things I mean
say things that will make me different to you
say things you do not want.
This sucks three times as hard
when all I want to do
when all I want to fight for, be alive for
is to see you smile.
Smile, and be happy
and let me know your heart
the way she did.
I didn't mean
to bother you
but that Post?
...It was for me.
I don't expect
your aid
to my dull and battered heart
you have much more to do
than me
don't think
that I don't know that now.
You know what, Katie?
I still want to help you
and I still want to listen.
*Sighs*
Don't forget that one especially
I think it's more important
than all the rest here
the rest that involves me is nothing
if I can work to make you happy...
that your heart is complicated right now?
I am not
your obligation
and I do not
expect to be.
Especially not
in the face of your experiences, Katie.
The ones I *can't* fix.
The ones I sense, and understand
and can offer nothing for
but my always-open arms.
As for me?
A blow of old pain
is still old
and still stinging in my heart
for being different
(while my greatest crux as well you know)
it isn't your job;
don't think I don't know that.
I write for myself,
too.
I'm reviewing with Finley today.
Driving, not people
because I'm used to them
used to editing
used to throwing on a smile.
Driving?
Not so much.
Iron scares me.
Seriously, it's a habit by now
one I cannot retract
one I am good at acting around.
But it'll let me see you.
You think I don't tell you my heart?
You'd be right.
You think you know why?
You'd be wrong.
It's complicated, Katie.
It just is.
I'm not saying yours isn't
I'm talking about me.
My heart is causing me to freak out
has been for months
and I'm sorry if one sentence got your goat.
I'll make sure
to warn Hannah
in advance.
For now,
I'll stop infringing on your
treasured life as much as I can;
not only because I feel bad that I need to be near you
but also
because hiding my heart is tiring
after all this time
after the first part has burned away
Katie, the rest won't leave me
no matter how much I try
to convince myself otherwise.
After all
you have other friends
and even if this will kick the fuck out of me
it'll be easier than trying to untie my lips
and tell you the truth.
Those words I want to tell you
tell you in my nightmare-like dreams
before you walk out on me.
For all my writing,
words on some things just won't come
relationships just won't change
not just because I wish they would
even if Finley knows now
and told me that it's okay with him.
there's a lot dependent on me
and I hate it
I don't mean the work or schooling
well maybe the schooling, I hate it there
I hate smiling and speaking and being ignored
just like before
I hate it when I try to plan something with new friends
ones I thought I had
and I see the gleam in their eyes that says, "Shit"
before they make some polite excuse.
So yes,
that's "old"
But Katie, that's what my life is like.
When I'm not talking to you,
Fucking it up with poor Kate, who yes, I still cry over
which I know you understand, that second line, there
or trying to explain things he isn't used to to Finley
those things being the drama of women
the heart-sores of Payton
(Why?
Why isn't he used to them?
Because I used to give them to you
and for the biggest stuff I have right now,
I feel like I can't.
Not with how you are right now
not with how I AM right now
it just...)
My tongue is silent
and I write to myself.
Because people won't listen when I speak.
Remember when that guy opened a door into my face on the phone?
They do that every day, without the door
and because I love them, I apologize for it.
Always will;
I really can't help it by now
Kate told me the same thing, that I shouldn't
and I tried
and Kate started talking to me
in the long run, I don't know if it worked or not
but now it leaves me scared.
What that means is
when your life gets interesting and busy and all the things I want it to be
I freak the fuck out
because I'm trying not to tell you how dependent I am on you
because it scares me twice as much as she does.
Oh, there's much to it than that
but I'm doing the right thing
yes, I am sure
I'm leaving you out of it
because I'll say things I mean
say things that will make me different to you
say things you do not want.
This sucks three times as hard
when all I want to do
when all I want to fight for, be alive for
is to see you smile.
Smile, and be happy
and let me know your heart
the way she did.
I didn't mean
to bother you
but that Post?
...It was for me.
I don't expect
your aid
to my dull and battered heart
you have much more to do
than me
don't think
that I don't know that now.
You know what, Katie?
I still want to help you
and I still want to listen.
*Sighs*
Don't forget that one especially
I think it's more important
than all the rest here
the rest that involves me is nothing
if I can work to make you happy...
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Special
"Sorry. I don't believe in the--personal--boundaries!"
"I know you don't, freak. I went to highschool with you!"
I told Finley a secret tonight.
One I've been afraid to tell.
I'd tell you, but you're too preoccupied to notice
given you don't really exist
given you don't have the time.
I couldn't tell anyone else,
it was tell him or explode,
and, as usual, you weren't listening.
Sometimes,
I hate feeling alone.
So many people think they are,
say they are, and aren't. So many people.
I hate those people.
I hate the opportunities those people reap for lying that they're like me,
because they mostly aren't.
Watching those people be loved
by people I love more than I'll admit
breaks my deep and given heart.
People like you,
who will not love me the way I love you
break my heart.
And you don't care,
anyway.
After all, I can't drive...
"I know you don't, freak. I went to highschool with you!"
I told Finley a secret tonight.
One I've been afraid to tell.
I'd tell you, but you're too preoccupied to notice
given you don't really exist
given you don't have the time.
I couldn't tell anyone else,
it was tell him or explode,
and, as usual, you weren't listening.
Sometimes,
I hate feeling alone.
So many people think they are,
say they are, and aren't. So many people.
I hate those people.
I hate the opportunities those people reap for lying that they're like me,
because they mostly aren't.
Watching those people be loved
by people I love more than I'll admit
breaks my deep and given heart.
People like you,
who will not love me the way I love you
break my heart.
And you don't care,
anyway.
After all, I can't drive...
Special
I am a coward.
Sometimes I forget it
but it creeps into my face and attacks my caution
throws away my rules and makes wonderfully horrible things plausible.
I
am a coward.
A lowly,
selfish coward.
Sometimes I forget it
but it creeps into my face and attacks my caution
throws away my rules and makes wonderfully horrible things plausible.
I
am a coward.
A lowly,
selfish coward.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Special
"...So I have to wait for rebound land to end, but it might be okay. It might be doable. I'm trying not to put too much energy and hope into that. If it happens, great. If not, not a big deal."
"Oh."
"Tell me your opinion? I don't want your approval, but..."
"It's... complicated."
"When hasn't it been?"
"Yeah...."
"Uh-huh."
Ariel was a fucking badass. She rescued someone she loved totally, and then he just... left. Oh, he had to. He was injured. She gave up everything to go after him. She doesn't.... she doesn't have anyone waiting for her promises. In the original, Ariel sells her voice to gain a soul (mermaid's don't have them in that version), but the Prince betrays her. He marries a beautiful (not a witch in original version) young woman. She has the option to kill the one she loves and go home, but she doesn't. She kills herself instead; and God takes pity on her and grants her a soul.
I don't know about God, but I feel like she left her soul with the Prince. The prince who she comforted and watched and guarded for twenty years, that prince. The Prince who left her for the one he really loved.
I don't know how anybody could live with that pain. Anybody.
I'm just a nineteen year old girl, but I don't often act it. I want to right now. I want to curl up in a ball next to the emo poetry in this library and cry. But I won't. That's the wrong way to handle these situations.
Instead....
What would I give to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What would do to see you, smiling at me?
Where we would we walk?
Where would we run,
if we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
and I could be
Part of your world!
I don't know when.
I don't know how.
But I know something's starting right now!
Watch and you'll see
someday I'll be
part of your world!
I am not Ariel, Katie. That's my opinion. I wouldn't kill you, either...
"Oh."
"Tell me your opinion? I don't want your approval, but..."
"It's... complicated."
"When hasn't it been?"
"Yeah...."
"Uh-huh."
Ariel was a fucking badass. She rescued someone she loved totally, and then he just... left. Oh, he had to. He was injured. She gave up everything to go after him. She doesn't.... she doesn't have anyone waiting for her promises. In the original, Ariel sells her voice to gain a soul (mermaid's don't have them in that version), but the Prince betrays her. He marries a beautiful (not a witch in original version) young woman. She has the option to kill the one she loves and go home, but she doesn't. She kills herself instead; and God takes pity on her and grants her a soul.
I don't know about God, but I feel like she left her soul with the Prince. The prince who she comforted and watched and guarded for twenty years, that prince. The Prince who left her for the one he really loved.
I don't know how anybody could live with that pain. Anybody.
I'm just a nineteen year old girl, but I don't often act it. I want to right now. I want to curl up in a ball next to the emo poetry in this library and cry. But I won't. That's the wrong way to handle these situations.
Instead....
What would I give to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What would do to see you, smiling at me?
Where we would we walk?
Where would we run,
if we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
and I could be
Part of your world!
I don't know when.
I don't know how.
But I know something's starting right now!
Watch and you'll see
someday I'll be
part of your world!
I am not Ariel, Katie. That's my opinion. I wouldn't kill you, either...
Special: Badass Princesses (the ones too cool for Disney)
Women are awesome.
http://www.cracked.com/article_19478_5-real-princesses-too-badass-disney-movies.html?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage
/end post
http://www.cracked.com/article_19478_5-real-princesses-too-badass-disney-movies.html?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage
/end post
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Special: Envy
In Elvish, the word for Envy is 'Rutha'.
I have an Envy problem.
When I was alone
when I didn't have friends
it was easy to ignore the negative feelings,
aside from the fact I hated being lonely.
Now I can't.
I see someone else with something I want,
realize I'm awesome,
and wish it were me, instead.
Only in very specific cases, but it's there.
Examples?
One friend fell in love with the wrong person.
I watch the struggle and sigh in envy.
Millionaire's children never need to work for their livelihoods,
small children don't have diabetes, all that shit.
I think of my selfishness
and I am ashamed.
For all my good qualities
I have more evil than I like to admit.
Even here.
I have an Envy problem.
When I was alone
when I didn't have friends
it was easy to ignore the negative feelings,
aside from the fact I hated being lonely.
Now I can't.
I see someone else with something I want,
realize I'm awesome,
and wish it were me, instead.
Only in very specific cases, but it's there.
Examples?
One friend fell in love with the wrong person.
I watch the struggle and sigh in envy.
Millionaire's children never need to work for their livelihoods,
small children don't have diabetes, all that shit.
I think of my selfishness
and I am ashamed.
For all my good qualities
I have more evil than I like to admit.
Even here.
Special: If you're in a press, feel free to skip the scary italics
When I wake in the mornings
discombobulated by a surplus of vision
(running through the forest in a white dress,
looking for someone I love....
I found you, alright
dead as a doornail,
you woke me when I was murmuring in your hair
with a shot of the Finley right behind
his long jacket tails twitching as he ran to find
the source of the screaming
"Please don't be dead."
Quiet at first, gentle.
"Don't leave. Please."
Unreasonable. Who did I think I was?
"I love you. I love you so much;
please come back."
I took you in my arms.
"I can't tell you how much I lov--"
The familiar words die in my throat.
"I love you more than I'll admit,"
I continue, using the scary paraphrase I don't like to acknowledge;
the tears running while I nuzzle your non-responsive face
"I couldn't tell you when you were alive, but it's different now..."
Wind billows on my face, and it alarms me; I lower my voice.
"It's different now. I can tell you that I never stopped loving you.
Not from the beginning.
When we were laughing about Kate, I loved you.
I saw you broken and I loved you.
I saw you fighting to get better and I loved you twice as much.
You were.... a good person... Katie.
God will welcome you.
You'll hear much more of that later, but this..."
As I'm speaking this unnecessary monologue to you,
what we're seeing is Finley, still running.
Apparently I covered a lot of ground.
"This is my moment, and...and Katie...
If things had been different...."
The words die in the Rose-made throat, again.
I couldn't say it. Not even now.
It would've been beautiful if I had,
eternal if I had, honest if I had, but I can't.
Love does that,
and I woke with my name on your lips
and your hand on my arm
and the light on my face. )
and my throat is too sore to move
and my eyes have sleep attacking them
and my ears are striving to hear your voice, and can't make sense of it
can't make sense of something I close my eyes and sigh when I hear
I don't tell you how beautiful you look today.
I don't tell you how much.... I... you were there. That means something to me.
I don't tell you how much I was amused by your grumpiness,
how apologetic I was for that hacking dry cough that tried to tear my chest apart last night
and no doubt your ears to boot.
I don't tell you anything about Ryan talking to me again, asking for advice
or my dark Zach, reeling in his pain like you did, me watching it happen again
I don't tell you about the almost thoughts that haunt me when I sit with you
because giving them words will make them more real than I want to admit.
I don't tell you about your Kitten's unease for my words to her
when you stepped out last night
words about you, us
I don't ask where you were when you come back, acknowledging the truth
that I no longer have a right
I don't tell you the smile isn't entirely for the rap battles,
it's for you, it's watching you be happy and being rewarded for my presence by
your heart melting my heart
like sunlight on the snow.
I don't tell you my plans for Battleon, how I've finally figured out my revenge
that is, that I'm not taking any, that this is a new age and I can build up what I had again
easily, and it'll give me something to focus on, something to fight for
besides your honored name and Finley's waiting promises.
I don't tell you how much I want to go home, collapse, and sleep
sleep and dream of you
because I do that, apparently, right next to you or now
some part of my heart is worried for you,
and I don't know why.
I don't tell you about what I want to.
It'd fill the car with words you don't really want to hear,
and I save them.
I offer them to you with my eyes, my heart's open like a book
flip past chapter one, it's a list of what you took from me.
Chapters two and three are on the Dragon, nothing more
Chapters four and five are on the Roses and their war
Chapters Six and seven are on sordid expectation
Chapter eight is on my Wiese, featuring my heart on his sleeves
Chapters nine through ninety are the fucks who broke my heart
Chapter ninety one is you and Fin, pulling their hurt apart.
Always open like a book,
always open like a book
a long, long one that you know you'll never really read
not in one sitting, so not at all.
Its' dedication is to two people....
But for you, today, Katie
I write a few, few tiny things
I'd really love to say.
discombobulated by a surplus of vision
(running through the forest in a white dress,
looking for someone I love....
I found you, alright
dead as a doornail,
you woke me when I was murmuring in your hair
with a shot of the Finley right behind
his long jacket tails twitching as he ran to find
the source of the screaming
"Please don't be dead."
Quiet at first, gentle.
"Don't leave. Please."
Unreasonable. Who did I think I was?
"I love you. I love you so much;
please come back."
I took you in my arms.
"I can't tell you how much I lov--"
The familiar words die in my throat.
"I love you more than I'll admit,"
I continue, using the scary paraphrase I don't like to acknowledge;
the tears running while I nuzzle your non-responsive face
"I couldn't tell you when you were alive, but it's different now..."
Wind billows on my face, and it alarms me; I lower my voice.
"It's different now. I can tell you that I never stopped loving you.
Not from the beginning.
When we were laughing about Kate, I loved you.
I saw you broken and I loved you.
I saw you fighting to get better and I loved you twice as much.
You were.... a good person... Katie.
God will welcome you.
You'll hear much more of that later, but this..."
As I'm speaking this unnecessary monologue to you,
what we're seeing is Finley, still running.
Apparently I covered a lot of ground.
"This is my moment, and...and Katie...
If things had been different...."
The words die in the Rose-made throat, again.
I couldn't say it. Not even now.
It would've been beautiful if I had,
eternal if I had, honest if I had, but I can't.
Love does that,
and I woke with my name on your lips
and your hand on my arm
and the light on my face. )
and my throat is too sore to move
and my eyes have sleep attacking them
and my ears are striving to hear your voice, and can't make sense of it
can't make sense of something I close my eyes and sigh when I hear
I don't tell you how beautiful you look today.
I don't tell you how much.... I... you were there. That means something to me.
I don't tell you how much I was amused by your grumpiness,
how apologetic I was for that hacking dry cough that tried to tear my chest apart last night
and no doubt your ears to boot.
I don't tell you anything about Ryan talking to me again, asking for advice
or my dark Zach, reeling in his pain like you did, me watching it happen again
I don't tell you about the almost thoughts that haunt me when I sit with you
because giving them words will make them more real than I want to admit.
I don't tell you about your Kitten's unease for my words to her
when you stepped out last night
words about you, us
I don't ask where you were when you come back, acknowledging the truth
that I no longer have a right
I don't tell you the smile isn't entirely for the rap battles,
it's for you, it's watching you be happy and being rewarded for my presence by
your heart melting my heart
like sunlight on the snow.
I don't tell you my plans for Battleon, how I've finally figured out my revenge
that is, that I'm not taking any, that this is a new age and I can build up what I had again
easily, and it'll give me something to focus on, something to fight for
besides your honored name and Finley's waiting promises.
I don't tell you how much I want to go home, collapse, and sleep
sleep and dream of you
because I do that, apparently, right next to you or now
some part of my heart is worried for you,
and I don't know why.
I don't tell you about what I want to.
It'd fill the car with words you don't really want to hear,
and I save them.
I offer them to you with my eyes, my heart's open like a book
flip past chapter one, it's a list of what you took from me.
Chapters two and three are on the Dragon, nothing more
Chapters four and five are on the Roses and their war
Chapters Six and seven are on sordid expectation
Chapter eight is on my Wiese, featuring my heart on his sleeves
Chapters nine through ninety are the fucks who broke my heart
Chapter ninety one is you and Fin, pulling their hurt apart.
Always open like a book,
always open like a book
a long, long one that you know you'll never really read
not in one sitting, so not at all.
Its' dedication is to two people....
But for you, today, Katie
I write a few, few tiny things
I'd really love to say.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Special: Oh, God, Please no
Fuck, I think I"m going deaf.
It's like there's a block in my ears.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
I can't hear human voices
or the pen across the paper.
I try and get my ears to "Pop"
-Like when you're on an airplane-
been chewing gum for days,
but they won't pop.
People stare as I dig fingers in my ears,
make noises during tests,
but what can I do?
Oh God, my God, Please--
not my ears.
I beg you, God, not the ears.
Taste or smell, fine,
never the ears.
Please, please. God, I'm imploring you--
not my ears.
To not know music,
Katie's or Finley's voice.....
nononono.... Please, Please, no.
Not my ears. Please, Please, not my ears.
It's like there's a block in my ears.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
I can't hear human voices
or the pen across the paper.
I try and get my ears to "Pop"
-Like when you're on an airplane-
been chewing gum for days,
but they won't pop.
People stare as I dig fingers in my ears,
make noises during tests,
but what can I do?
Oh God, my God, Please--
not my ears.
I beg you, God, not the ears.
Taste or smell, fine,
never the ears.
Please, please. God, I'm imploring you--
not my ears.
To not know music,
Katie's or Finley's voice.....
nononono.... Please, Please, no.
Not my ears. Please, Please, not my ears.
Special: Dear Katie, Please stop reading my mind
"Life is too short to not tell the people you love that you love them.
If they don't know that you're doing something wrong.
I'm not just talking romantic interest here
I'm talking you care about them
You want to see them happy above anything else
Things are meant to be used
People are meant to loved
This day and age we're loving things and using people.
Knock that out.
People I love... no just people in general,
You need help I'm there
But you ask? Deal.
That's part of my "saying no" problem
Because if you had a the drive to ask in the first place
Who am I to reject you?"
And this our love will never die.
If they don't know that you're doing something wrong.
I'm not just talking romantic interest here
I'm talking you care about them
You want to see them happy above anything else
Things are meant to be used
People are meant to loved
This day and age we're loving things and using people.
Knock that out.
People I love... no just people in general,
You need help I'm there
But you ask? Deal.
That's part of my "saying no" problem
Because if you had a the drive to ask in the first place
Who am I to reject you?"
And this our love will never die.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Special: Another Letter from Payton
To Erin, Ryan, Theresa, Don, Mark, Paul and company,
with love (And one very stubborn chocolate stain),
Dear "Higher Powers",
Thank you so much for letting me 'clown around' with you. From the first minute I went from scream to laugh reactions in that barn roughly two years ago, I knew I belonged there. For someone who goes through such a generic lack of acceptance, my employers and fellow spooks both have been kind to me. I hope I can say honestly that they consider me a friend, as I do for them and thus for you also.
I suppose I'm writing this letter to tell you how much I love my job.
I love the generally-reliable generator in the barn-smelling trailer, I love the air of comradeship we share before delving into our task with exuberance I love the speeches from Mark or Erin... not because they are wonderful speakers, but because I smile and live for the moment Spooks push to be nearer to them, trying to say thank you with mask-covered faces or raccoon-shaded eyes.
I love the little moments, stories, memories we fight so hard to make each night...
Truly and utterly, I love my job.
All of you, especially, go through a lot of stress to maintain a group of happy spooks; be it that pesky train horn or those rotten neighbors to muffins or water bottles. I don't get the chance to douse the giver of water with love; I just say "Thank you."
Friends.... those Thank-you's are sincere, and they aren't, ever, just for the water.
I wait for it all week, the chance to be happy. This one time, please take my thanks in context...
Thank you.
Your eternal clown,
Payton
P.S. Thank you for giving me more time with the ones I love
There are several pictures enclosed with this letter, and I don't pay attention as I'm writing it... but this is the right thing to do. I am a decent person and their kindness means gold to me, and I want them to appreciate and understand that.
with love (And one very stubborn chocolate stain),
Dear "Higher Powers",
Thank you so much for letting me 'clown around' with you. From the first minute I went from scream to laugh reactions in that barn roughly two years ago, I knew I belonged there. For someone who goes through such a generic lack of acceptance, my employers and fellow spooks both have been kind to me. I hope I can say honestly that they consider me a friend, as I do for them and thus for you also.
I suppose I'm writing this letter to tell you how much I love my job.
I love the generally-reliable generator in the barn-smelling trailer, I love the air of comradeship we share before delving into our task with exuberance I love the speeches from Mark or Erin... not because they are wonderful speakers, but because I smile and live for the moment Spooks push to be nearer to them, trying to say thank you with mask-covered faces or raccoon-shaded eyes.
I love the little moments, stories, memories we fight so hard to make each night...
Truly and utterly, I love my job.
All of you, especially, go through a lot of stress to maintain a group of happy spooks; be it that pesky train horn or those rotten neighbors to muffins or water bottles. I don't get the chance to douse the giver of water with love; I just say "Thank you."
Friends.... those Thank-you's are sincere, and they aren't, ever, just for the water.
I wait for it all week, the chance to be happy. This one time, please take my thanks in context...
Thank you.
Your eternal clown,
Payton
P.S. Thank you for giving me more time with the ones I love
There are several pictures enclosed with this letter, and I don't pay attention as I'm writing it... but this is the right thing to do. I am a decent person and their kindness means gold to me, and I want them to appreciate and understand that.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Special: Forgiveness means 'I'll always care.'
"Eternity is not forever
and I regret what I have done if it meant you harm.
I would keep you, council you
but I know you don't want someone like me.
Please know I'm there anyway."
I almost posted that on someone else's blog, and removed it.
I figure, if she really thought about it
if she bothered asking
she would know how much I cared.
Just like Katie Gundlach does.
I love....
and I regret what I have done if it meant you harm.
I would keep you, council you
but I know you don't want someone like me.
Please know I'm there anyway."
I almost posted that on someone else's blog, and removed it.
I figure, if she really thought about it
if she bothered asking
she would know how much I cared.
Just like Katie Gundlach does.
I love....
"I had a nightmare about that last night.
Dan had an army that was targeting us.
We were the Russian Royalty.
During the revolution.
You were there, I was, Kate was, and Hannah was.
Kate was in trouble, and we saved her.
....And then Kate had me executed.
You were trying to save me, though.
I woke up when I was being put into prison beforehand.
I was begging you not to.
You had my face in your hands, when I was in prison.
You were going to say something.
Something important.
But I woke up.
Sirens.
This is extremely odd, but then, so am I.
Do you know what it was?
Special: Highlander (the song in my heart)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpEiWL3WCPc&NR=1
Also:
E.S. Posthumus. Look them up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5v-LRsDLK4&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy-4Oqc1ZUo&feature=related
Also:
E.S. Posthumus. Look them up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5v-LRsDLK4&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy-4Oqc1ZUo&feature=related
Special: Dragons
When I was living the last of my youth,
People promised me I would lose my strangeness
When the time came
When hell froze over
When I grew up.
Having hard-won wealth in my hands,
Having worked until I fell abed,
Having felt the glances that come from it, my other
I find that they were wrong.
My otherness is waiting
As certain as the work, the wealth, the glances
Biting at my earlobes
Instead of what the world expects from me.
I hear it, night and day
It haunts my treasured dreams at night
It rattles the veins in my heart
Like a tornado shakes the telephone wires,
And I am left alone with the noise
And the damage.
No tender music on my lips
No more sweet, new words to share
No new worlds, tethered to my fingers, to create
No pencils across paper;
I am empty.
But let it be said, friends
My otherness is not dead.
It has not yet managed to be slain,
It didn’t fade into the west with Tolkien‘s elves,
And I will fight to keep it
Fight until the end of always.
Even with the dawn
When it weighs down on me
When my shoulders slump and my eyes tell you
Tell I haven’t slept for wanting,
I will not let it die,
I will not let it die.
If there still were dragons
The way that dragons lived to be,
I would be that dragon.
I would line my seeing eyes
With Tutankhamen’s kohl
I would line my heart
With the treasure-troves of men.
I would touch my scaled arms
With glittering gold, with shimmering jewels
And you would be agape at me
Plain Payton in immortal glory,
Dressed and scarred by battle.
I would earn your respect
If my eyes were lined with kohl
If my heart were lined with gold
If my tongue were lined with honey
If my heart were lined with knowledge
If my lips were lined with song
If my heart were lined like dragons’ were.
If I don’t have the scales
I have all the rest and more.
I would welcome wearied glimpses on my human skin,
If you would only look.
I would open my arms to you
If you had ought but blade to offer me.
I dare you now,
I call your heart:
Look.
Press your fingers to my arms
Close your tired, human eyes
And breathe the golden air with me.
Breathe,
Don’t Sneer,
And Look.
I, the dragon
Am right here;
Breathing golden air.
People promised me I would lose my strangeness
When the time came
When hell froze over
When I grew up.
Having hard-won wealth in my hands,
Having worked until I fell abed,
Having felt the glances that come from it, my other
I find that they were wrong.
My otherness is waiting
As certain as the work, the wealth, the glances
Biting at my earlobes
Instead of what the world expects from me.
I hear it, night and day
It haunts my treasured dreams at night
It rattles the veins in my heart
Like a tornado shakes the telephone wires,
And I am left alone with the noise
And the damage.
No tender music on my lips
No more sweet, new words to share
No new worlds, tethered to my fingers, to create
No pencils across paper;
I am empty.
But let it be said, friends
My otherness is not dead.
It has not yet managed to be slain,
It didn’t fade into the west with Tolkien‘s elves,
And I will fight to keep it
Fight until the end of always.
Even with the dawn
When it weighs down on me
When my shoulders slump and my eyes tell you
Tell I haven’t slept for wanting,
I will not let it die,
I will not let it die.
If there still were dragons
The way that dragons lived to be,
I would be that dragon.
I would line my seeing eyes
With Tutankhamen’s kohl
I would line my heart
With the treasure-troves of men.
I would touch my scaled arms
With glittering gold, with shimmering jewels
And you would be agape at me
Plain Payton in immortal glory,
Dressed and scarred by battle.
I would earn your respect
If my eyes were lined with kohl
If my heart were lined with gold
If my tongue were lined with honey
If my heart were lined with knowledge
If my lips were lined with song
If my heart were lined like dragons’ were.
If I don’t have the scales
I have all the rest and more.
I would welcome wearied glimpses on my human skin,
If you would only look.
I would open my arms to you
If you had ought but blade to offer me.
I dare you now,
I call your heart:
Look.
Press your fingers to my arms
Close your tired, human eyes
And breathe the golden air with me.
Breathe,
Don’t Sneer,
And Look.
I, the dragon
Am right here;
Breathing golden air.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Special
You were right, Katie.
She does need you.
The stresses of her new life have enveloped on her like a plague;
and she wouldn't take my help if I offered it.
She's standing on the edge of self-inflicted pain and wondering how she got there.
I don't know, either. I'm only nineteen years old.
But Kate,
I still want to pull you back.
*Sighs*
That's what friends do.
Even after they've hurt each other the way we have.
Even if we thought we did it for the right reasons, you still need someone like me;
I still need someone like you.
Cowardice tore us apart.
So if you would please stop running from me--
running from someone who pretended to be an immortal is, you recall, a bad idea--
I would appreciate it.
I want to help you.
Please.
She does need you.
The stresses of her new life have enveloped on her like a plague;
and she wouldn't take my help if I offered it.
She's standing on the edge of self-inflicted pain and wondering how she got there.
I don't know, either. I'm only nineteen years old.
But Kate,
I still want to pull you back.
*Sighs*
That's what friends do.
Even after they've hurt each other the way we have.
Even if we thought we did it for the right reasons, you still need someone like me;
I still need someone like you.
Cowardice tore us apart.
So if you would please stop running from me--
running from someone who pretended to be an immortal is, you recall, a bad idea--
I would appreciate it.
I want to help you.
Please.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Special
Haunted roads. They frighten.
Love frightens. Love entertains.
It give impossible possibilities.
Love, I think of holding that hand, grasping it
pulling the warmth of their body to me
murmuring the name, quietly on my lips
them feeling my breath on their neck and sighing for it,
wanting the feel to last
my lips on their lips.
Their lips on my lips.
Light in the heart,
light in the moment,
everything.
Fire in the heart
singing off doubts from forever
time passes in the silence
time passes for the touch.
To hold that hand, to grasp it
to feel that warmth when I had none
is everything, is everything
and will not by memory undone.
....manka ere'ta gaur anwa...
...manka ere'ta re gaur amin.
Love frightens. Love entertains.
It give impossible possibilities.
Love, I think of holding that hand, grasping it
pulling the warmth of their body to me
murmuring the name, quietly on my lips
them feeling my breath on their neck and sighing for it,
wanting the feel to last
my lips on their lips.
Their lips on my lips.
Light in the heart,
light in the moment,
everything.
Fire in the heart
singing off doubts from forever
time passes in the silence
time passes for the touch.
To hold that hand, to grasp it
to feel that warmth when I had none
is everything, is everything
and will not by memory undone.
....manka ere'ta gaur anwa...
...manka ere'ta re gaur amin.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Special: Urgh!
The reason I got an A is because I was a good writer.
He wrote, 'Do not be a creative writer', and made an asterisk next to every time he thought I was one.
That was the only way I lost points.
I'd rather have gotten an F and been true to what I love than an A for a habit I have no intent of keeping.
My heart is broken for his sterilized rules.
He wrote, 'Do not be a creative writer', and made an asterisk next to every time he thought I was one.
That was the only way I lost points.
I'd rather have gotten an F and been true to what I love than an A for a habit I have no intent of keeping.
My heart is broken for his sterilized rules.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Special
All right, I'm pissed. I can't believe I can't work on my story for more than fifty-nine minutes after I leave this shitty school laptop. I'm furious! Kael and Linn were just starting to hate each other; we'd just seen Kael and just started to meet Linn and.... whatever that ogre's name will be.
I wonder if I could offer food to someone? I have the money. Mm... Katie, are you still around? If you read this before nine-twenty, I'll buy you food and a movie for my laptop charger. Plus whatever change I have for gas money. Help poor Kael; being a Slayer is hard enough as it is.
Love you, kid.
P
I wonder if I could offer food to someone? I have the money. Mm... Katie, are you still around? If you read this before nine-twenty, I'll buy you food and a movie for my laptop charger. Plus whatever change I have for gas money. Help poor Kael; being a Slayer is hard enough as it is.
Love you, kid.
P
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Special: Remembering the touch of happiness
I've had four nights away from home while being there. Three with Finley and two with Katie--oops. Make that five. :)
Best birthday there ever was. Every friend I had came, Schultz appears to actually miss and remember me....
Schuster's hurts, but that's life. Things change, and I have to work to make it seem different.
Like other things, I have to try hard to make that happen.
I'll post the rest later.... for now, it's eleven eleven. Make a wish.
Best birthday there ever was. Every friend I had came, Schultz appears to actually miss and remember me....
Schuster's hurts, but that's life. Things change, and I have to work to make it seem different.
Like other things, I have to try hard to make that happen.
I'll post the rest later.... for now, it's eleven eleven. Make a wish.
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