"Well, this one said 'life is like licking honey from a thorn.' What the fuck does that even mean?" -Ironside, by Holly Black
Well, I know what it means. It means if you search for sweetness too long, your own desire will make that wanting bitter for the pain.
It says desire is sweet in itself except for blood and brooding.
It means blood is worth a new thorn growing, especially when we want it too.
Especially when we might desire blood as well as wishes.
I would've been a great faery.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Special
when was the last time anybody other than me cleaned the bathroom? You assholes. Whatever, I'll do it. Everybody just do a tapdance on my face, it'll be fine. Good God.... so much work to do... Taylor's gone.... ugh. Why is it always me again? why?
Everything is me..
Last night I had a dream I was attacked in a park by a man with a lazy eye and black hair. I found him off valiantly... and Kate saw.
And... a cross of Eliac and me said, "I wish this didn't happen. I am attacked every day." And we hid in a cave while his followers searched for us... and escaped in time for halloween.
Oh Halloween there was a festival, with many challenges. We all had to fight in random places, but I kept picturing rooms from the dream-high school I'm always going to while I'm asleep. And I found someone who'd made her cry; her eyes were all read and glistening. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I don't want to talk about it right now, Pete," after pointedly glancing around at all the people, like we were friends and I had a nickname.
And then I fought again, this time against thunder-cat pirates, and won. They all worked for the Roses. Ryan--a different Ryan than Azrael; it's a common enough name--warned me....
I'll never find out what happened.
I was woken up.
TO CLEAN.
Everything is me..
Last night I had a dream I was attacked in a park by a man with a lazy eye and black hair. I found him off valiantly... and Kate saw.
And... a cross of Eliac and me said, "I wish this didn't happen. I am attacked every day." And we hid in a cave while his followers searched for us... and escaped in time for halloween.
Oh Halloween there was a festival, with many challenges. We all had to fight in random places, but I kept picturing rooms from the dream-high school I'm always going to while I'm asleep. And I found someone who'd made her cry; her eyes were all read and glistening. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I don't want to talk about it right now, Pete," after pointedly glancing around at all the people, like we were friends and I had a nickname.
And then I fought again, this time against thunder-cat pirates, and won. They all worked for the Roses. Ryan--a different Ryan than Azrael; it's a common enough name--warned me....
I'll never find out what happened.
I was woken up.
TO CLEAN.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Special: me
You know, I tear down on myself all the time. I don't realize it, but some days I catch up with myself and go, ''Really? But I was RIGHT that time, I'm sure of it!" I realize that maybe it doesn't matter, writing that. I mean, what does it prove but the common theory about me; that I'm unstable? That I'm easily hurt?
If I were to write nice things about me, I'd have to think long and hard about them. I guess I'll start with reasonably pretty; but I'll make it seem much more than that. Maybe that way, I'll believe what I'm writing. The best type of lies are the ones you can believe....
My skin is the touch of the moon on the water
my hair is the light of the warm summer sun
my eyes are the blue of your breath in winter
my lips are a-glisten with dew from the spring.
My touch is smooth as coming home;
my body as soft as the cascade of snow
my grace is an equal to olden-time ale,
my kiss as melting honey on the worn and weary tongue.
My smile could touch the inside of your soul-coats
my fingertips could stir with skill the dying embers of your hearth
the magic in my swishing hips could swallow up the stars
my love could banish pain away.
Da-daaa-da-duh-duh-duh-da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da-daaaaaah-dah-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh (etc)
Anyway, if I were beautiful, I think that's what I'd be like.
I think.....
If I still thought I was.
If I were to write nice things about me, I'd have to think long and hard about them. I guess I'll start with reasonably pretty; but I'll make it seem much more than that. Maybe that way, I'll believe what I'm writing. The best type of lies are the ones you can believe....
My skin is the touch of the moon on the water
my hair is the light of the warm summer sun
my eyes are the blue of your breath in winter
my lips are a-glisten with dew from the spring.
My touch is smooth as coming home;
my body as soft as the cascade of snow
my grace is an equal to olden-time ale,
my kiss as melting honey on the worn and weary tongue.
My smile could touch the inside of your soul-coats
my fingertips could stir with skill the dying embers of your hearth
the magic in my swishing hips could swallow up the stars
my love could banish pain away.
Da-daaa-da-duh-duh-duh-da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da-daaaaaah-dah-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh (etc)
Anyway, if I were beautiful, I think that's what I'd be like.
I think.....
If I still thought I was.
Special
I looked and looked and looked for home
but I could not find it
I cleaned and put away and scrubbed
but there were foot prints on the floor.
And if you wanna leave, I can guarantee
you won't find nobody else like me.
but I could not find it
I cleaned and put away and scrubbed
but there were foot prints on the floor.
And if you wanna leave, I can guarantee
you won't find nobody else like me.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Special
I asked him to come. I thought perhaps that would be wise, because I'd done something horrible to you. You didn't have to deal with me alone that way... I thought it was plausible. I thought it was fair. I thought it was what you wanted.
Forget my issues. You have enough of your own. I deleted that for a reason.... I had done you an injustice for assuming otherwise. That's my fault. It is not your responsibility to help me, not right now, not at this time in your life. Not when you have three jobs and a college tuition--two, I can't forget that--to pay. New apartment and life style and girlfriend and...
I write when I'm angry. Some of this--a lot of this--is me, sifting through my thoughts. Most especially the traitorous ones, Katie. I have to put them somewhere, because if they just build up, they'll kill me. I'll explode. Boomboomboom is not what I want to happen; I've had too many times where I couldn't control it and it didn't help me at all.
I made promises to you and kept them. You made one to me and broke it. Yes, you had a reason, but it wasn't a good one. You turned me trying to help you into me betraying Kate's trust. That's part, if not a lot, of why she's angry at me. Why she's STILL ignoring me. I'm angry at you over that now that I've figured it out.... but I'll forgive you. I always do. I love you too much to not... and you know it.
I don't know if you were trying to say this, but I certainly don't think I'm irreplaceable. Part of the reason I'm freaking out is because I know I'm not, especially not to you, and especially not at this point in your life. It terrifies me. Love, which is so precious to me, is something that is... horrifying... to lose, even if just for a week or couple of months or whatever. I'm vulnerable, if also incredibly strong for that. Unfortunately it's a huge flaw of mine, self-doubt.... and I know I'm not that only one with it, even if that doesn't excuse it at all.
When I was over the other day, you had this insane inner-turmoil and a weird armor I didn't recognize at all. That frightened me. Really frightened me. Inner-turmoil means... inner struggle. Inner pain. One you weren't addressing. One that at the time I was sure you wouldn't want me to help you with anymore given where we were... and I wanted to. I just didn't know how. Sometimes we have to solve our own turmoil, and I could feel you trying to sift your way back into your own self... I think? If that makes sense... ?
I am pretty involved with the Kate stage of your life--err, whether you've left it or not, which is none of my business. That left an impact on both of us, and the relationships all of us have with each other. That's always going to be there, and I don't know how that effects you and I/you and Kate/Kate and I/whatever. It's like a big hole... sometimes I don't wait to be pushed. Sometimes I jump. Not just over that....
I'll still help you, if you still want me. I'll always help you. I'm sorry.... I know it's not enough when I'm a flaming bitch covered in leeches like this, Katie. I know it's not enough when I get to be this selfish and self-absorbed. You deserve better than that from your friends... but I am, and I mean that. I hope that sincerity to my stupidity and fear means something... it does to me.
I'm afraid of that church. I'm afraid that what I've done isn't good enough, and that I've made mistakes. I know God will forgive me. I've explained everything to Him so many times, and I know he loves me. I've apologized and try to reform from my bad habits when they crop up. It's the people there I know won't if they'd found out. I feel like if I step out of place or say the wrong thing, they'll ignore me. Or something worse, I don't know. I'm so.... accepting... that people not doing what I do is incredibly strange to me. It makes me almost angry, and then I feel wrong, being angry at Godly people. I look at people like Chris and go, why? He's so sweet and good! I find a girl, no older than eight, crying in a stairwell for something minor and give her candy and say to myself, she doesn't deserve that. ....things like that. If you weren't there, I wouldn't be.... but because you ask, I will remain. At least as long as you do.
I'll help whenever you want me to, Katie. And I will wait. I am a very patient waiter. Patience is, after all, a virtue.....
Forget my issues. You have enough of your own. I deleted that for a reason.... I had done you an injustice for assuming otherwise. That's my fault. It is not your responsibility to help me, not right now, not at this time in your life. Not when you have three jobs and a college tuition--two, I can't forget that--to pay. New apartment and life style and girlfriend and...
I write when I'm angry. Some of this--a lot of this--is me, sifting through my thoughts. Most especially the traitorous ones, Katie. I have to put them somewhere, because if they just build up, they'll kill me. I'll explode. Boomboomboom is not what I want to happen; I've had too many times where I couldn't control it and it didn't help me at all.
I made promises to you and kept them. You made one to me and broke it. Yes, you had a reason, but it wasn't a good one. You turned me trying to help you into me betraying Kate's trust. That's part, if not a lot, of why she's angry at me. Why she's STILL ignoring me. I'm angry at you over that now that I've figured it out.... but I'll forgive you. I always do. I love you too much to not... and you know it.
I don't know if you were trying to say this, but I certainly don't think I'm irreplaceable. Part of the reason I'm freaking out is because I know I'm not, especially not to you, and especially not at this point in your life. It terrifies me. Love, which is so precious to me, is something that is... horrifying... to lose, even if just for a week or couple of months or whatever. I'm vulnerable, if also incredibly strong for that. Unfortunately it's a huge flaw of mine, self-doubt.... and I know I'm not that only one with it, even if that doesn't excuse it at all.
When I was over the other day, you had this insane inner-turmoil and a weird armor I didn't recognize at all. That frightened me. Really frightened me. Inner-turmoil means... inner struggle. Inner pain. One you weren't addressing. One that at the time I was sure you wouldn't want me to help you with anymore given where we were... and I wanted to. I just didn't know how. Sometimes we have to solve our own turmoil, and I could feel you trying to sift your way back into your own self... I think? If that makes sense... ?
I am pretty involved with the Kate stage of your life--err, whether you've left it or not, which is none of my business. That left an impact on both of us, and the relationships all of us have with each other. That's always going to be there, and I don't know how that effects you and I/you and Kate/Kate and I/whatever. It's like a big hole... sometimes I don't wait to be pushed. Sometimes I jump. Not just over that....
I'll still help you, if you still want me. I'll always help you. I'm sorry.... I know it's not enough when I'm a flaming bitch covered in leeches like this, Katie. I know it's not enough when I get to be this selfish and self-absorbed. You deserve better than that from your friends... but I am, and I mean that. I hope that sincerity to my stupidity and fear means something... it does to me.
I'm afraid of that church. I'm afraid that what I've done isn't good enough, and that I've made mistakes. I know God will forgive me. I've explained everything to Him so many times, and I know he loves me. I've apologized and try to reform from my bad habits when they crop up. It's the people there I know won't if they'd found out. I feel like if I step out of place or say the wrong thing, they'll ignore me. Or something worse, I don't know. I'm so.... accepting... that people not doing what I do is incredibly strange to me. It makes me almost angry, and then I feel wrong, being angry at Godly people. I look at people like Chris and go, why? He's so sweet and good! I find a girl, no older than eight, crying in a stairwell for something minor and give her candy and say to myself, she doesn't deserve that. ....things like that. If you weren't there, I wouldn't be.... but because you ask, I will remain. At least as long as you do.
I'll help whenever you want me to, Katie. And I will wait. I am a very patient waiter. Patience is, after all, a virtue.....
Special
That's it.
There's a set date and much less Sun.
Figuratively speaking,
I'm moving to Alaska.
By saying that, by trying to get someone to talk to me
listen to me
I've managed to upset my Moon.
I don't know what you wanted me to say
when you asked me for advice
because if it were me
I wouldn't have taken on so many things in the first place
then, that's why you're ahead in the world, isn't it?
Because people like me, people who are afraid and want someone to talk to
more than anything
go slow and reasonably, and you push hard to get what you want
It was wrong to expect you to wait for me
when you were already living.
That was unreasonable, totally and completely
what else could I expect?
Finley's right, you don't need me
I'm done with Band and church
especially if they're breaking you like they broke Michelle,
done.
I doubt anyone will even notice.
Maybe Michelle.
I'll take my bible from the bookshelf in Brad's apartment (not yours, now)
and read it once in awhile, to compensate
but I will not sit through Kevin, preaching what I did wrong
even if I'll miss Russ' sermons, Kevin's I will not miss at all
Sam's condescension, not even a bit
No, they won't miss me.
God won't miss me, either, since he's always with me
You have problems with this new lifestyle
and I'd help if you asked
the thing is, there isn't a lot I can do
I can't give you lots of money
can't put you up in some beautiful house filled with fun things to do
I can't tell you, drop a job
and maybe take out a loan for her tuition before you kill yourself over it
because you should not kill yourself for another's future
especially if you're not sure they're staying.
Trust me,
that much I know,
that hurts a lot.
Do you even read this anymore?
You're past the ''Kate'' stage
and the thing is, the thing I realized today
is that I am part of the ''Kate'' stage, too
and now that you're happy again
you don't need me
exactly, exactly like I said would happen
I wished then I was wrong, but I was not
and it doesn't matter how much I love you
not if you're moving on
and you are
and I should never, ever, ever
have hoped to dream differently
that somehow I'd figure this out
and you'd be different and not give up my Magic for you
but I can't figure things out I haven't done yet, Katie
especially not when you already know what you should do and are angry at me for trying
especially not when you have other people who you know turn to first with things like that
since I'm useless, useless,
and very discarded for your new life.
The life I've always wanted for you.
I meant to ask you about it
There's a set date and much less Sun.
Figuratively speaking,
I'm moving to Alaska.
By saying that, by trying to get someone to talk to me
listen to me
I've managed to upset my Moon.
I don't know what you wanted me to say
when you asked me for advice
because if it were me
I wouldn't have taken on so many things in the first place
then, that's why you're ahead in the world, isn't it?
Because people like me, people who are afraid and want someone to talk to
more than anything
go slow and reasonably, and you push hard to get what you want
It was wrong to expect you to wait for me
when you were already living.
That was unreasonable, totally and completely
what else could I expect?
Finley's right, you don't need me
I'm done with Band and church
especially if they're breaking you like they broke Michelle,
done.
I doubt anyone will even notice.
Maybe Michelle.
I'll take my bible from the bookshelf in Brad's apartment (not yours, now)
and read it once in awhile, to compensate
but I will not sit through Kevin, preaching what I did wrong
even if I'll miss Russ' sermons, Kevin's I will not miss at all
Sam's condescension, not even a bit
No, they won't miss me.
God won't miss me, either, since he's always with me
You have problems with this new lifestyle
and I'd help if you asked
the thing is, there isn't a lot I can do
I can't give you lots of money
can't put you up in some beautiful house filled with fun things to do
I can't tell you, drop a job
and maybe take out a loan for her tuition before you kill yourself over it
because you should not kill yourself for another's future
especially if you're not sure they're staying.
Trust me,
that much I know,
that hurts a lot.
Do you even read this anymore?
You're past the ''Kate'' stage
and the thing is, the thing I realized today
is that I am part of the ''Kate'' stage, too
and now that you're happy again
you don't need me
exactly, exactly like I said would happen
I wished then I was wrong, but I was not
and it doesn't matter how much I love you
not if you're moving on
and you are
and I should never, ever, ever
have hoped to dream differently
that somehow I'd figure this out
and you'd be different and not give up my Magic for you
but I can't figure things out I haven't done yet, Katie
especially not when you already know what you should do and are angry at me for trying
especially not when you have other people who you know turn to first with things like that
since I'm useless, useless,
and very discarded for your new life.
The life I've always wanted for you.
"I've gotten greedy payton
I want her happy...
but not without me"
Yeah. Know how you feel.
I can't follow my advice in response, Katie.
I can't follow you. You have to have realized that?
I will try very hard, but I can't.
There was also a new blog post I didn't understand there.
I meant to ask you about it
but you scared the shit out of me with the anger and frustration
especially when I really just wanted to leave since you didn't want us there
especially when I am dreadfully and totally afraid of storms
You didn't mean to hurt me.
I know you didn't, and I can't ask you to change your life for me.
No one can ask that,
no one would listen if somebody did,
but I'm still tempted to.
Because I love you.
That's always mattered to you,
and now you don't have time for it....
that's what I get for being dependent on too much sun
I hurt my Moon's heart defending you
I can't sleep for fear of losing--not just you---my friends
I am tired of people not answering me.
I am tired of blending in.
I am heart-wrenched by it.
ALSO? Also?
I found a conversation in my archives the other day.
It was you and I, and me helping you
but because I KEEP my promises, I won't say where or over what
and you told me you wouldn't say anything
but you're the only one I talked to about that thing I knew
and you lied to me over it.
At least forgot you promised me.
And that's why Kate was mad.
I don't think it mattered that I tried not to say anything over it
and even tried to discourage you
you got it out of me anyway,
and then told her I told you just because?
....seriously?
I love you so much Katie.
And now you've grown up...
I haven't.
And you won't be around to help me
even though I always was for you.
You know what my fear is, Katie?
Your post on Dependence....
it wasn't on me, was it?
There was a time I would have known for sure
those fun days when you told me your heart and I was happy to know it
now it just hurts.
it's like there's a void where your heart is supposed to be...
today I looked, and looked, and looked
and couldn't find it
and cried over it.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Your post on Dependence....
it wasn't on me, was it?
There was a time I would have known for sure
those fun days when you told me your heart and I was happy to know it
now it just hurts.
it's like there's a void where your heart is supposed to be...
today I looked, and looked, and looked
and couldn't find it
and cried over it.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Special: music is always there for us
Song: Proud of Your Boy
Movie: Aladdin
Status: Deleted from Final Picture
Lyrics:
Proud of your boy
I'll make you proud of your boy
Believe me, bad as I've been, Ma
You're in for a pleasant surprise
I've wasted time
I've wasted me
So say I'm slow for my age
A late bloomer, Okay, I agree
That I've been one rotten kid
Some son, some pride and some joy
But I'll get over these lousin' up
Messin' up, screwin' up times
You'll see, Ma, now comes the better part
Someone's gonna make good
Cross his stupid heart
Make good and finally make you
Proud of your boy
Tell me that I've been a louse and loafer
You won't get a fight here, no ma'am
Say I'm a goldbrick, a goof-off, no good
But that couldn't be all that I am
Water flows under the bridge
Let it pass, let it go
There's no good reason that you should believe me
Not yet, I know, but
Someday and soon
I'll make you proud of your boy
Though I can't make myself taller
Or smarter or handsome or wise
I'll do my best, what else can I do?
Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you
Mom, I will try to
Try hard to make you
Proud of your boy
I found what I was looking for.
It hadn't been written;
but it had been sung.
Movie: Aladdin
Status: Deleted from Final Picture
Lyrics:
Proud of your boy
I'll make you proud of your boy
Believe me, bad as I've been, Ma
You're in for a pleasant surprise
I've wasted time
I've wasted me
So say I'm slow for my age
A late bloomer, Okay, I agree
That I've been one rotten kid
Some son, some pride and some joy
But I'll get over these lousin' up
Messin' up, screwin' up times
You'll see, Ma, now comes the better part
Someone's gonna make good
Cross his stupid heart
Make good and finally make you
Proud of your boy
Tell me that I've been a louse and loafer
You won't get a fight here, no ma'am
Say I'm a goldbrick, a goof-off, no good
But that couldn't be all that I am
Water flows under the bridge
Let it pass, let it go
There's no good reason that you should believe me
Not yet, I know, but
Someday and soon
I'll make you proud of your boy
Though I can't make myself taller
Or smarter or handsome or wise
I'll do my best, what else can I do?
Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you
Mom, I will try to
Try hard to make you
Proud of your boy
I found what I was looking for.
It hadn't been written;
but it had been sung.
Special: Moon-drunk
"If you don't mind me asking..."
"There is nothing I could keep from you. Erm... what's up?"
"Do you go into all your friendships expecting them to end, Payton?"
I thought about this for a moment.
"No," I said, slowly, heart twinging as it pictured a few friends I had lost, "I don't. I go into every friendship wanting for it to last forever. The thing is, Kate.... People find something.... different... not wrong, please don't think that I'm self-deprecating, but different in me. They fill themselves up with Payton magic and suddenly they don't want it anymore.... they ''change'' and don't want me, anymore. I always want them... and they get... bored? Is bored the right word? With me." Somewhere in my heart I hold everyone who has heart me. I believe that then, do now, don't say it.
-Last sleepover with Kate
The only three people I've talked to in the last three days are Kya, Conner, and Finley. Kya and Conner once, Finley just about every other time.
It's to the point I cry when he leaves. I can't help it. My "weak" heart loves him so much..... without the sun OR the moon, there's an eclipse. It's darkness unless I can find another light in my heart.
I'm no Wizard.... I can't conjure up an "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" and have everything be fine.
More dialogue from today.
"Do you feel like you're being replaced? Is that it?"
"No. She'd never do that to me." She promised, and I trust her.
"You knew it'd end. You told me it would, that she wouldn't need you like she did before."
"Of course not! I wouldn't want that."
"And even if she does need help, she has Renee to talk to now."
"I just wish I had more time. I've been trying, Finley... so hard.... to fit into the speed her life is going, but I... I can't make this leap. It's impossible... not in four days."
"I think she knows that, Payton." He leans over, shakes my soda. Satisfied there's enough to drink in there, he continues. "I think she wanted you to live with her before Renee, but now..." He shrugs.
"That's not fair," I said. "Renee isn't responsible for this. She and I are friends, she even likes me. Katie said so."
"But she might not want you... you know... encroaching on them," said Finley gently.
"I just wish she'd tell me that," I said gently, pushing away my fries. "I wish she'd say something to me, Finley. She hasn't texted or emailed or Facebooked or called or.... anything. I know! I know she's busy. She has a busy, busy life. Any good friend must respect that, and I do. Haven't I? I sit patiently and help her work, I let her answer her social life while we're together. That's important. That is a priority over me. It's just...."
I've lost so many friends. I've made so many of these excuses for friends before, friends I really loved. It's only that I poured out my heart to her, which I had no right to do, and am kicking myself in the face for it. My heart's troubles and fears, even summarized like they were there, are not her problem anymore and I have to come to grasps with that. The fact that Finley is probably right. It's just I want this to be different from Nicole or Liz....
"It's just that I miss her," I said quietly. "That's all, Finley. I just... I miss her." I miss being close to someone who drank from the sun. Miss feeling two-way love from someone I could trust. Lately all I've reveled in is moonlight--which I love, dearly. Still....
He smiles. "Maybe Brad will take you in if she won't. You can do his dishes, bike to McDonald's and Matc... it'd be fine. Easy. Simple."
That idea has merit for when my far-fetched dream is crushed by my lack of ability and success. I must remember it; perhaps he will take me.
If it weren't for Finley, I'd be hurt. That's my fault for not making more friends, not hers. I have to remember that.
Even when it's darker, the moon will shine a crescent for the blind...
Want to know a secret?
A lot of the time, I feel blind, too.
"There is nothing I could keep from you. Erm... what's up?"
"Do you go into all your friendships expecting them to end, Payton?"
I thought about this for a moment.
"No," I said, slowly, heart twinging as it pictured a few friends I had lost, "I don't. I go into every friendship wanting for it to last forever. The thing is, Kate.... People find something.... different... not wrong, please don't think that I'm self-deprecating, but different in me. They fill themselves up with Payton magic and suddenly they don't want it anymore.... they ''change'' and don't want me, anymore. I always want them... and they get... bored? Is bored the right word? With me." Somewhere in my heart I hold everyone who has heart me. I believe that then, do now, don't say it.
-Last sleepover with Kate
The only three people I've talked to in the last three days are Kya, Conner, and Finley. Kya and Conner once, Finley just about every other time.
It's to the point I cry when he leaves. I can't help it. My "weak" heart loves him so much..... without the sun OR the moon, there's an eclipse. It's darkness unless I can find another light in my heart.
I'm no Wizard.... I can't conjure up an "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" and have everything be fine.
More dialogue from today.
"Do you feel like you're being replaced? Is that it?"
"No. She'd never do that to me." She promised, and I trust her.
"You knew it'd end. You told me it would, that she wouldn't need you like she did before."
"Of course not! I wouldn't want that."
"And even if she does need help, she has Renee to talk to now."
"I just wish I had more time. I've been trying, Finley... so hard.... to fit into the speed her life is going, but I... I can't make this leap. It's impossible... not in four days."
"I think she knows that, Payton." He leans over, shakes my soda. Satisfied there's enough to drink in there, he continues. "I think she wanted you to live with her before Renee, but now..." He shrugs.
"That's not fair," I said. "Renee isn't responsible for this. She and I are friends, she even likes me. Katie said so."
"But she might not want you... you know... encroaching on them," said Finley gently.
"I just wish she'd tell me that," I said gently, pushing away my fries. "I wish she'd say something to me, Finley. She hasn't texted or emailed or Facebooked or called or.... anything. I know! I know she's busy. She has a busy, busy life. Any good friend must respect that, and I do. Haven't I? I sit patiently and help her work, I let her answer her social life while we're together. That's important. That is a priority over me. It's just...."
I've lost so many friends. I've made so many of these excuses for friends before, friends I really loved. It's only that I poured out my heart to her, which I had no right to do, and am kicking myself in the face for it. My heart's troubles and fears, even summarized like they were there, are not her problem anymore and I have to come to grasps with that. The fact that Finley is probably right. It's just I want this to be different from Nicole or Liz....
"It's just that I miss her," I said quietly. "That's all, Finley. I just... I miss her." I miss being close to someone who drank from the sun. Miss feeling two-way love from someone I could trust. Lately all I've reveled in is moonlight--which I love, dearly. Still....
He smiles. "Maybe Brad will take you in if she won't. You can do his dishes, bike to McDonald's and Matc... it'd be fine. Easy. Simple."
That idea has merit for when my far-fetched dream is crushed by my lack of ability and success. I must remember it; perhaps he will take me.
If it weren't for Finley, I'd be hurt. That's my fault for not making more friends, not hers. I have to remember that.
Even when it's darker, the moon will shine a crescent for the blind...
Want to know a secret?
A lot of the time, I feel blind, too.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Special
Today I read through a few months of these posts
looking very hard for what I was feeling, something to help me
I looked and looked and looked
and I did not find what I wanted
mostly because I did not know.
looking very hard for what I was feeling, something to help me
I looked and looked and looked
and I did not find what I wanted
mostly because I did not know.
Special
I stare around the room
and hear the silence there
I have won one battle
I have two more to fight.
I am so terrified
of life.
I've wanted to talk to someone about it
but no one has time, for listening
not when they are fighting for their own lives
in stages far ahead of mine.
People who don't know me will give me false council
will say that it is silly
but they aren't listening to the words I'm afraid to tell them
especially when they aren't listening
aren't listening
aren't listening....
and hear the silence there
I have won one battle
I have two more to fight.
I am so terrified
of life.
I've wanted to talk to someone about it
but no one has time, for listening
not when they are fighting for their own lives
in stages far ahead of mine.
People who don't know me will give me false council
will say that it is silly
but they aren't listening to the words I'm afraid to tell them
especially when they aren't listening
aren't listening
aren't listening....
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Special
I realized I was forgetting parts of these conversations. Once in awhile I may type up what I remember. It'll be sketchy at best, but I'll tell you what I can. Much of it was repeated each time.
Lady Eliac says:
So. Ryan, is it?
Hunter says:
C'mon. Just leave him alone, no one invited you here.
Lord Tolien says: Give her a chance, Hunter. She has given the service of her healing heart to many in the past.
Hunter says:
I'm outta here.
>HUNTER has left the conversation<
Ryan says:
....
Lord Tolien says:
We wouldn't say it in front of your friend
Lady Eliac says:
but you are special, Ryan.
Ryan:
Special? ...Me?
Lady Eliac says:
More special than most men. I tell you this because you belong with me, and Lord Tolien, here *waves hand at Tolien*.... with the Roses. With magic and gentle living and love and intrigue. With respect and tolerance of things that are different. With evil and good clearly defined. With Power and acceptance and tradition; the ability to use your tongue as well as your sword. The Roses are built on these values, Ryan. Accept your destiny and take up this call.
Ryan says:
And send my credit card number and social security card, right? Fuck both of you. You don't know shit about me.
>RYAN has left the conversation<
Lord Tolien says:
My Lady....if I may be so bold....
Lady Eliac says:
You want me to read his heart, Tolien. If you consider a plea boldness, you have lost my interest.
Lord Tolien says:
I love you, Eliac.
Lady Eliac says:
I know. Trust me.
>RYAN has been invited to the conversation<
Ryan says:
Look, I already told you people that I'm not listening, okay! Just leave me alone!
Lady Eliac says:
We don't need to leave you for you to be alone, Ryan. I know that. I'm just asking that rather than follow through with your plan, you try LIVING. All in all, not so difficult a request, is it?
Ryan says:
....What?
Lady Eliac says:
I know how alone you feel, Ryan. I know what it feels like to hide and wish that death weren't an eventuality but now, waiting for you. And one day, maybe after being pushed around one too many times, tripped down one too many hallways, the idea comes: what if I pushed it on? It happens all the time in movies. But your life is not a movie, Ryan. You don't get to come back in a sequel. It won't solve your problems. You know what will?
Ryan says:
A well-balanced diet and exercise? Deep breathing?
Lady Eliac says:
Magic.
Ryan says:
....Look. I.... I don't know how you.... Oh, Hunter! That shit! I'm going to gut him!
Lord Tolien says:
You could do more than gut him if you joined the Roses, Ryan.
Lord Tolien says:
You could humiliate him. Destroy him. You could turn his mind inside out with just words. There's a power in you. And if you come with us... I can show you. I can teach you. I can.
Lady Eliac says:
Tolien! You know better than this. Maintain your distance.
Lord Tolien says:
As you wish, my Lady. *Bows*
Ryan says:
.....Riiiiight.
Ryan says:
....But you could do that? Like, seriously? You could teach me to take them out?
Lady Eliac says:
*Warningly* Tolien.
Lord Tolien says:
Okay, okay. Fine. *To Ryan* See you soon, Kid. I hope.
*LORD TOLIEN has left the conversation*
Lady Eliac says:
Death is not an answer to pain, Ryan. Not any one's pain. Can I tell you a secret?
Ryan says:
*sigh* sure
Lady Eliac says:
I love you. The others, they are wrong to treat you as they do, use you as they do. You can be better than that. That is what I teach. I do not teach anger or vengeance; they teach themselves well enough in due course. What I teach is Love.... Forgiveness... understanding... Defense; not just from others, but from ourselves, too. I teach the Roses to understand the darkest parts of their souls and live for them. There is no more doubt to what I do, I have laid it plainly.
Lady Eliac says:
The question is, Ryan: are you brave enough to accept the truth? Are you brave enough to give up being alone? Are you brave enough to find.... yourself?
A long silence. Forty-five minutes at least. Then:
Ryan:
You know what, El? I think I am.
He'd use this against me, Later.
>LORD AZRAEL has been invited to the conversation<
Lord Azrael says:
Let me guess. She told you that you are special, that you are different from the others. You aren't. She just wants to take you and use you in her magical world. Eliac wants to prove to you that you are worth it, that you can overcome your trials. She is lying to you. Her every word will be a lie.
Lord Orannis says:
The boy speaks the truth. Join us at the Black Rose, see true power.
Michael_Wolfsbane says:
w-what?
Lord Orannis says:
You know where
Lord Azrael says: To find us.
>LORD ORANNIS has left the conversation<
Lady Eliac says:
...Azrael.... Azrael, please....
Lord Azrael says:
I loved you once, Eliac. I loved you once with all my heart.... and then you killed me. You murdered me in cold blood for the magic in your realm and danced with it like you were at a feast of heart-eaters. You are... no longer... my lotus-temptation.... my lady. You hold the hearts of many men in your hands.
Lady Eliac says:
There is only one I want, Ryan. Please.
Michael_Wolfsbane says:
Whatever. This is too weird for me.
>MICHAEL_WOLFSBANE has left the conversation<
Lord Azrael:
The vine you wrapped around my heart/
had faded, lover, long ago
It whispered and then dwindled, lady
with the harsh, white winter snow.
Lady Eliac:
You.... you will always be... my heart. I'm... I'm so sorry.... I didn't mean for any of this to happen; I...
Lord Azrael:
And you will always have killed mine.
>LORD AZRAEL has left the conversation<
Lady Eliac says:
So. Ryan, is it?
Hunter says:
C'mon. Just leave him alone, no one invited you here.
Lord Tolien says: Give her a chance, Hunter. She has given the service of her healing heart to many in the past.
Hunter says:
I'm outta here.
>HUNTER has left the conversation<
Ryan says:
....
Lord Tolien says:
We wouldn't say it in front of your friend
Lady Eliac says:
but you are special, Ryan.
Ryan:
Special? ...Me?
Lady Eliac says:
More special than most men. I tell you this because you belong with me, and Lord Tolien, here *waves hand at Tolien*.... with the Roses. With magic and gentle living and love and intrigue. With respect and tolerance of things that are different. With evil and good clearly defined. With Power and acceptance and tradition; the ability to use your tongue as well as your sword. The Roses are built on these values, Ryan. Accept your destiny and take up this call.
Ryan says:
And send my credit card number and social security card, right? Fuck both of you. You don't know shit about me.
>RYAN has left the conversation<
Lord Tolien says:
My Lady....if I may be so bold....
Lady Eliac says:
You want me to read his heart, Tolien. If you consider a plea boldness, you have lost my interest.
Lord Tolien says:
I love you, Eliac.
Lady Eliac says:
I know. Trust me.
>RYAN has been invited to the conversation<
Ryan says:
Look, I already told you people that I'm not listening, okay! Just leave me alone!
Lady Eliac says:
We don't need to leave you for you to be alone, Ryan. I know that. I'm just asking that rather than follow through with your plan, you try LIVING. All in all, not so difficult a request, is it?
Ryan says:
....What?
Lady Eliac says:
I know how alone you feel, Ryan. I know what it feels like to hide and wish that death weren't an eventuality but now, waiting for you. And one day, maybe after being pushed around one too many times, tripped down one too many hallways, the idea comes: what if I pushed it on? It happens all the time in movies. But your life is not a movie, Ryan. You don't get to come back in a sequel. It won't solve your problems. You know what will?
Ryan says:
A well-balanced diet and exercise? Deep breathing?
Lady Eliac says:
Magic.
Ryan says:
....Look. I.... I don't know how you.... Oh, Hunter! That shit! I'm going to gut him!
Lord Tolien says:
You could do more than gut him if you joined the Roses, Ryan.
Lord Tolien says:
You could humiliate him. Destroy him. You could turn his mind inside out with just words. There's a power in you. And if you come with us... I can show you. I can teach you. I can.
Lady Eliac says:
Tolien! You know better than this. Maintain your distance.
Lord Tolien says:
As you wish, my Lady. *Bows*
Ryan says:
.....Riiiiight.
Ryan says:
....But you could do that? Like, seriously? You could teach me to take them out?
Lady Eliac says:
*Warningly* Tolien.
Lord Tolien says:
Okay, okay. Fine. *To Ryan* See you soon, Kid. I hope.
*LORD TOLIEN has left the conversation*
Lady Eliac says:
Death is not an answer to pain, Ryan. Not any one's pain. Can I tell you a secret?
Ryan says:
*sigh* sure
Lady Eliac says:
I love you. The others, they are wrong to treat you as they do, use you as they do. You can be better than that. That is what I teach. I do not teach anger or vengeance; they teach themselves well enough in due course. What I teach is Love.... Forgiveness... understanding... Defense; not just from others, but from ourselves, too. I teach the Roses to understand the darkest parts of their souls and live for them. There is no more doubt to what I do, I have laid it plainly.
Lady Eliac says:
The question is, Ryan: are you brave enough to accept the truth? Are you brave enough to give up being alone? Are you brave enough to find.... yourself?
A long silence. Forty-five minutes at least. Then:
Ryan:
You know what, El? I think I am.
He'd use this against me, Later.
>LORD AZRAEL has been invited to the conversation<
Lord Azrael says:
Let me guess. She told you that you are special, that you are different from the others. You aren't. She just wants to take you and use you in her magical world. Eliac wants to prove to you that you are worth it, that you can overcome your trials. She is lying to you. Her every word will be a lie.
Lord Orannis says:
The boy speaks the truth. Join us at the Black Rose, see true power.
Michael_Wolfsbane says:
w-what?
Lord Orannis says:
You know where
Lord Azrael says: To find us.
>LORD ORANNIS has left the conversation<
Lady Eliac says:
...Azrael.... Azrael, please....
Lord Azrael says:
I loved you once, Eliac. I loved you once with all my heart.... and then you killed me. You murdered me in cold blood for the magic in your realm and danced with it like you were at a feast of heart-eaters. You are... no longer... my lotus-temptation.... my lady. You hold the hearts of many men in your hands.
Lady Eliac says:
There is only one I want, Ryan. Please.
Michael_Wolfsbane says:
Whatever. This is too weird for me.
>MICHAEL_WOLFSBANE has left the conversation<
Lord Azrael:
The vine you wrapped around my heart/
had faded, lover, long ago
It whispered and then dwindled, lady
with the harsh, white winter snow.
Lady Eliac:
You.... you will always be... my heart. I'm... I'm so sorry.... I didn't mean for any of this to happen; I...
Lord Azrael:
And you will always have killed mine.
>LORD AZRAEL has left the conversation<
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Special: it's about time I've geared up for somewhat
I've had an idea for a novel.
In it, time travel is possible, but only in other people's alternate realties. As an introduction, you'll be introduced to the protagonists--possibly an evil King and a corrupt power with someone fighting against it. You know, but make it much, much cooler than that... as I can do. I'm one of the few that can. After that, they'll catch the main person and throw them into the ward, only way to get back to present time/their kingdom will be to gather pieces of a Talisman scattered throughout time...
The first few chapters will take place in the old west and the main character will gain an ally there, probably a cowboy of some sort. The second few will take place in an underwater city, where there will be a mermaid that falls in love with the western character at some point because that would just be cool. The third few'll be underground--Dark elves? Something like that?
The point is, each of these worlds will be in chaos from an alternate setting after a great trial. I'll have to supply the information from the main protagonist from what ACTUALLY happened versus what IS happening and have him/her set it right.
Mmm. That could be his/her job before he/she runs amok of the big guy in charge.
.....they could be in love.
....Of course, that'd make the main character a girl. I don't mind that.
Shit, this is awesome.
Hmm. This could be really cool.
Anyway, after my main girl--because the in-love-with-bad-guy thing is good and I want to keep it--collects the pieces of the talisman and restores herself to time with the others, they'll be a fight.... and....
I'm leaving that blank.
The end of all stories is blank.
You know what I realized today?
I realized that when I'm at a store looking for books, I'm looking for one that hasn't been written yet.
And today, I realized that I oughta be the one to write it.
In it, time travel is possible, but only in other people's alternate realties. As an introduction, you'll be introduced to the protagonists--possibly an evil King and a corrupt power with someone fighting against it. You know, but make it much, much cooler than that... as I can do. I'm one of the few that can. After that, they'll catch the main person and throw them into the ward, only way to get back to present time/their kingdom will be to gather pieces of a Talisman scattered throughout time...
The first few chapters will take place in the old west and the main character will gain an ally there, probably a cowboy of some sort. The second few will take place in an underwater city, where there will be a mermaid that falls in love with the western character at some point because that would just be cool. The third few'll be underground--Dark elves? Something like that?
The point is, each of these worlds will be in chaos from an alternate setting after a great trial. I'll have to supply the information from the main protagonist from what ACTUALLY happened versus what IS happening and have him/her set it right.
Mmm. That could be his/her job before he/she runs amok of the big guy in charge.
.....they could be in love.
....Of course, that'd make the main character a girl. I don't mind that.
Shit, this is awesome.
Hmm. This could be really cool.
Anyway, after my main girl--because the in-love-with-bad-guy thing is good and I want to keep it--collects the pieces of the talisman and restores herself to time with the others, they'll be a fight.... and....
I'm leaving that blank.
The end of all stories is blank.
You know what I realized today?
I realized that when I'm at a store looking for books, I'm looking for one that hasn't been written yet.
And today, I realized that I oughta be the one to write it.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Special: reminiscing
I came home. It was after midnight, and I'd just had a moment with Finley, and all I wanted was to tell my mother about it. Finley'd been haivng panic attacks for awhile....
"Where have you been? It's after midnight! It's nearly one in the morning!"
"Oh, mom, you'll never guess---"
"Have you been drinking?" She screamed. "Drugs!? What!? This is... this is so unlike you!" She whirled around to hit me, and I jumped out of the way---and she pulled on my fortuneteller necklace.
A gift from Tolien, who smiled, who'd said I had a real gift and it was about time I started using it. I told everyone I got it from my aunt; but each time I fondled those bright colored beads, I felt strength. I felt love and happiness and I pictured Schultz and I was okay again.
She pulled and the beads slipped out of me. Tears wrung my eyes like a suicidal man squeezes the sun for blood.
"And another thing!" my mother, normally so gentle and kind to me, was now on a full-fledged rampage. "This magic shit of yours. Can't you talk like a normal person? You're not Harry Potter, Payton. You act like a freak and people will treat you like one!"
Pops, seeing mom upset, glanced at my t-shirt. Grey with gold lettering, it read, Imagination.
He glared at me.
"We didn't raise you for you to--"
"Don't you ever address me as my father, ever again." I did not exclaim or even look at him, but there was a danger in my voice. A danger I keep in my heart for those who cross my path.
"Payton!" my mother was shocked. "We'll talk about this more later, young lady."
"No. You have no right to reprimand me for being myself, for speaking in a manner due to a lady of my status--"
My mother sneered. "Speak to me in Englis--I won't hear this, anyway! Go to your room, Young lady. You are grounded."
I turned and walked from the kitchen, down the street. I was barefoot and it was snowing, and I was cold. I kept picturing the beads on the kitchen floor....
"Get in this car this instant, Payton. Now!"
I kept walking, tears down my face. "No. I'm going to Finley's."
"He won't take you. Nan won't at least. Why would they want you if you act like this? This unreasonable? Get in the fucking car or so help me God I will call the cops on you. Got it!?"
I got in the car. No reason to tell them she hit me.
"Forget this," my mother snapped, "I certainly will. Obviously there's no reasoning with somebody I was once so proud of---"
no end of the sentence, her voice buckled.
There's no fighting disappointment from our mothers.
"Where have you been? It's after midnight! It's nearly one in the morning!"
"Oh, mom, you'll never guess---"
"Have you been drinking?" She screamed. "Drugs!? What!? This is... this is so unlike you!" She whirled around to hit me, and I jumped out of the way---and she pulled on my fortuneteller necklace.
A gift from Tolien, who smiled, who'd said I had a real gift and it was about time I started using it. I told everyone I got it from my aunt; but each time I fondled those bright colored beads, I felt strength. I felt love and happiness and I pictured Schultz and I was okay again.
She pulled and the beads slipped out of me. Tears wrung my eyes like a suicidal man squeezes the sun for blood.
"And another thing!" my mother, normally so gentle and kind to me, was now on a full-fledged rampage. "This magic shit of yours. Can't you talk like a normal person? You're not Harry Potter, Payton. You act like a freak and people will treat you like one!"
Pops, seeing mom upset, glanced at my t-shirt. Grey with gold lettering, it read, Imagination.
He glared at me.
"We didn't raise you for you to--"
"Don't you ever address me as my father, ever again." I did not exclaim or even look at him, but there was a danger in my voice. A danger I keep in my heart for those who cross my path.
"Payton!" my mother was shocked. "We'll talk about this more later, young lady."
"No. You have no right to reprimand me for being myself, for speaking in a manner due to a lady of my status--"
My mother sneered. "Speak to me in Englis--I won't hear this, anyway! Go to your room, Young lady. You are grounded."
I turned and walked from the kitchen, down the street. I was barefoot and it was snowing, and I was cold. I kept picturing the beads on the kitchen floor....
"Get in this car this instant, Payton. Now!"
I kept walking, tears down my face. "No. I'm going to Finley's."
"He won't take you. Nan won't at least. Why would they want you if you act like this? This unreasonable? Get in the fucking car or so help me God I will call the cops on you. Got it!?"
I got in the car. No reason to tell them she hit me.
"Forget this," my mother snapped, "I certainly will. Obviously there's no reasoning with somebody I was once so proud of---"
no end of the sentence, her voice buckled.
There's no fighting disappointment from our mothers.
Special
Sitting in my basement watching Dreamgirls
I hear the thunder overhead
taking my wand, it shakens me
and I wait for the sunlight again.
I hear the thunder overhead
taking my wand, it shakens me
and I wait for the sunlight again.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Special
You know,
my sun and moon lit me tonight
I was drawing my wand for a fight that wasn't there
realized Renee didn't believe in magic
I touched your hand, trying to be twilight
and found you were too bright with sun
that's okay.
Magic's in my heart
on my lips
in my words, my fingertips
so much in my heart
I am conflicted, I am confused
and I am lost
because there are two types of light from Heaven
I only need one,
but tonight I wanted to
I guess it's my fault my timing sucks
to want to spend time with you
really
rather than sitting in your living room.
Stupid, isn't it?
I had this idea where I was half-asleep
pretty sure you had already left
and for some reason, I was absolutely sure
you pressed your forehead against mine
and I smiled faintly and pressed a little closer to you
like we used to do for being happy together, safely
and you backed away
and you shimmed a little backword apologetically.
It made me happy, sad,
made me think of Quasimodo
because you are the gypsy, now
and I still have my wand,
my sun and moon
I tell you so often how much I love you two
but I cannot give you what is in my heart entirely
I cannot make you feel the types of Heaven's light
caring, knowing the entirety of my love for you
to know you are me, truly
you are my sun, my moon....
Sun
made for laughter, love
cuddling for companionship
occasional deep thoughts, feelings
teaching, love and letting go
you touch my left side of my heart
you are my Wild, and you, alone
know the meaning of that term
you are my Daring, modern self
you are the tingling in my fear
and you will protect me with more than
I think you know, sometimes
or maybe that's just me; both are plausible...
you are the fingertips of dawn on my soul
a never-fading hand print on my life
I love you.
It's not right for me to say it
and I'm always worried influence, experience will warp it into something wrong
I love you.
Sunlight, I live for you
and you are in my singing heart.
Moon
you are the future for me
you are Knighthood, you are courage
you protect me from myself
and I protect you from others
you know what I need to say and hear
it in your deep, depthful soul
and give it back to me when my tears
are gold from the touch of sunlight
when my skin is warm from it
you cool it down, you make me safe and happy
you are more than Cae'non
you are Magic, moonlight
you are the cadences inside my heart
inside my heart, the cadences you are
from what I fear to lose, you keep it close for me
moon-light....
My moon,
I live to love you
you live inside my magic heart.
I need both of you
but this is not a love-song
this is not a ballad,
a funeral march, a dirge
it is none of those things.
I am giving you who I am
in this post
and it is so hard to say that this is it
you are my sun, my moon
and if you knew each other
you'd both learn who I really am.
I can't say it, for the tears in my blue eyes
(they're blue, today)
I can feel it from the deepest part of me, however
perhaps you will listen
and one thread of your fate will wrap around my heart
into your heart
and you will feel
how much I will love you
as close to forever
as Self can ever manage I will love you.
I.... love.... you.
Please understand,
please open your heart and understand
for me?
I....
love....
you.....
my sun and moon lit me tonight
I was drawing my wand for a fight that wasn't there
realized Renee didn't believe in magic
I touched your hand, trying to be twilight
and found you were too bright with sun
that's okay.
Magic's in my heart
on my lips
in my words, my fingertips
so much in my heart
I am conflicted, I am confused
and I am lost
because there are two types of light from Heaven
I only need one,
but tonight I wanted to
I guess it's my fault my timing sucks
to want to spend time with you
really
rather than sitting in your living room.
Stupid, isn't it?
I had this idea where I was half-asleep
pretty sure you had already left
and for some reason, I was absolutely sure
you pressed your forehead against mine
and I smiled faintly and pressed a little closer to you
like we used to do for being happy together, safely
and you backed away
and you shimmed a little backword apologetically.
It made me happy, sad,
made me think of Quasimodo
because you are the gypsy, now
and I still have my wand,
my sun and moon
I tell you so often how much I love you two
but I cannot give you what is in my heart entirely
I cannot make you feel the types of Heaven's light
caring, knowing the entirety of my love for you
to know you are me, truly
you are my sun, my moon....
Sun
made for laughter, love
cuddling for companionship
occasional deep thoughts, feelings
teaching, love and letting go
you touch my left side of my heart
you are my Wild, and you, alone
know the meaning of that term
you are my Daring, modern self
you are the tingling in my fear
and you will protect me with more than
I think you know, sometimes
or maybe that's just me; both are plausible...
you are the fingertips of dawn on my soul
a never-fading hand print on my life
I love you.
It's not right for me to say it
and I'm always worried influence, experience will warp it into something wrong
I love you.
Sunlight, I live for you
and you are in my singing heart.
Moon
you are the future for me
you are Knighthood, you are courage
you protect me from myself
and I protect you from others
you know what I need to say and hear
it in your deep, depthful soul
and give it back to me when my tears
are gold from the touch of sunlight
when my skin is warm from it
you cool it down, you make me safe and happy
you are more than Cae'non
you are Magic, moonlight
you are the cadences inside my heart
inside my heart, the cadences you are
from what I fear to lose, you keep it close for me
moon-light....
My moon,
I live to love you
you live inside my magic heart.
I need both of you
but this is not a love-song
this is not a ballad,
a funeral march, a dirge
it is none of those things.
I am giving you who I am
in this post
and it is so hard to say that this is it
you are my sun, my moon
and if you knew each other
you'd both learn who I really am.
I can't say it, for the tears in my blue eyes
(they're blue, today)
I can feel it from the deepest part of me, however
perhaps you will listen
and one thread of your fate will wrap around my heart
into your heart
and you will feel
how much I will love you
as close to forever
as Self can ever manage I will love you.
I.... love.... you.
Please understand,
please open your heart and understand
for me?
I....
love....
you.....
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Special: Dead as a Doornail
Sometimes, when the room is empty
I close my eyes and picture long ago
the moving pen of Sappho, Roethke, Akhmatova
they were all long ago to me
for I am living,
and they are not.
And to me it seems
that Sappho wrote to Aphrodite as we write to God,
asking for love and forgiveness,
asking for strength to do what is right
at the feet of her gently-clad Goddess,
she prayed for the things that our eyes give for reading.
As for Roethke, that man's heart is sad
he lingers long in the depth of his own despair
and ignores flowers blowing secrets in his ear
the fair, broad sky with angels dancing in the blue
all he knows is the pain in his heart.
Of course, my poor Akhmatova
who had not even an Aphrodite to pray to
an image to keep her strong and happy
means she tried to keep the first
with the sorrows of Roethke, also
touching our hearts with her ruthless skill
applied to teaching us the dark parts of living
that all Poets much touch with two fingers to know
the value of their sacred art.
To them, I keep their words
locked inside my heart
and cup my hands to keep them near my heart, as they flutter
far from here, to other minds
who do not love them,
as I do.
And one day, my friends
I will lay a copy of my own heart at your feet, somehow
and you will know me, love me
as I know and love
you....
Someday, I, too
hope to be Great.
I close my eyes and picture long ago
the moving pen of Sappho, Roethke, Akhmatova
they were all long ago to me
for I am living,
and they are not.
And to me it seems
that Sappho wrote to Aphrodite as we write to God,
asking for love and forgiveness,
asking for strength to do what is right
at the feet of her gently-clad Goddess,
she prayed for the things that our eyes give for reading.
As for Roethke, that man's heart is sad
he lingers long in the depth of his own despair
and ignores flowers blowing secrets in his ear
the fair, broad sky with angels dancing in the blue
all he knows is the pain in his heart.
Of course, my poor Akhmatova
who had not even an Aphrodite to pray to
an image to keep her strong and happy
means she tried to keep the first
with the sorrows of Roethke, also
touching our hearts with her ruthless skill
applied to teaching us the dark parts of living
that all Poets much touch with two fingers to know
the value of their sacred art.
To them, I keep their words
locked inside my heart
and cup my hands to keep them near my heart, as they flutter
far from here, to other minds
who do not love them,
as I do.
And one day, my friends
I will lay a copy of my own heart at your feet, somehow
and you will know me, love me
as I know and love
you....
Someday, I, too
hope to be Great.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Special
I didn't want you to go
though it was selfish of me
and I clung to you until I had to let go
that is the nature of me.
As my beloved Sappho sings
in all her ghostly writings
in fading ink, on crumbling walls
who I so truly admire:
"Honestly, I wish I were dead.
Weeping many tears, she left me and said,
“Alas, how terribly we suffer, Sappho.
I really leave you against my will.”
And I answered: “Farewell, go and remember me.
You know how we cared for you.
If not, I would remind you
... of our wonderful times.
For by my side you put on
many wreaths of roses
and garlands of flowers
around your soft neck..."
though it was selfish of me
and I clung to you until I had to let go
that is the nature of me.
As my beloved Sappho sings
in all her ghostly writings
in fading ink, on crumbling walls
who I so truly admire:
"Honestly, I wish I were dead.
Weeping many tears, she left me and said,
“Alas, how terribly we suffer, Sappho.
I really leave you against my will.”
And I answered: “Farewell, go and remember me.
You know how we cared for you.
If not, I would remind you
... of our wonderful times.
For by my side you put on
many wreaths of roses
and garlands of flowers
around your soft neck..."
Special: Eliac being wise
I had forgotten what it was
to be powerful, hungry
and beautiful
especially when I am truly brilliant...
if only sometimes,
when I smile
to hear your words against my lips.
Him: "You know Eliac, I have forgotten many things in becoming Tao. What was my full name before? I can't remember. There are many names... Siragon, Tolien, Orannis.. but are any of them mine? I know not."
Me (miserably): "To me, you were Lord Tolien. The Black Leader and the White Leader... A grey-petal, if the idea amuses you. You were my worthy emissary, foe, friend.... all at once."
Him: "Huh... interesting. Thank you for staying with me even though I've changed, Eliac."
Me: "We cannot live a single moment and not change, my Lord. Every breath and blink changes us, every footstep our direction, ever wistful glance our longing changes, every glass of wine our disposition. Why abandon a fleeting moment, for just one?"
Him: "Not everyone welcomes change, especially the change of a close one. Though it is true we constantly change, many change more drastically than others."
Me: "And all of it from time. Service to time is rarely repaid by the object of that devotion. Change is a reward for service... or a punishment, if the hue of that enslavement is a poor one. Yours was clearly not, and yet was. You were a torn being who attempts to sew the damage shut with dreams and wishes. That's an empty, dangerous thought to languish with."
Him: "Dreams and wishes? I take action where others would not. And in time, I will change this world. My Rose and I have already begun the work of the greater good. Though action is useless without a plan of what to do."
Me: "You know your Milton, I'd presume. You find yourself standing at a precipice, a desert hell-hound land, beaten by the feet of hopeful men, and you want to build a bridge. Consider your Milton; was not God wise in giving his angels a devil to fight? That's what the Roses were. They fought, evil against good, and I taught. I taught threads of fate and hearts and love and dreams and stolen kisses. All that and more, I taught, I taught to those willing to listen. For a price I'll whisper in your ear; and that price... was listening. Listening to the hung, hot moon and the wind through the tall-grass. Listening to the silence and the sighs in the shadows.... shadow on my bridge.
Does that help your plan, my lord?"
Him: "If we were the evil, who was the good? "Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something. " The same applies to the opposite. Being evil for its own sake has no merits and betters no one. I'd rather make a person happy than take advantage of them for my purposes. You know I listen, Eliakim."
Me: "That's the trick to the hearts of men. None of us are truly good. We want to be so hard we learn to love and that teaches us what Good means, the value of good. Happiness can be found in teaching, not advantage, Jack. Teaching does not advantage make. You can learn that difference if you have students, and learn from them as I did. Learn. That I know you can do, as well as listen."
Him: "I... I do not know what to do anymore. Continuing who I was has lead me through a loop of being stuck in a vessel."
Me: "We are all trapped in Vessel. The more power you gain, my Knight, the less power you truly have. The more others beneath your goodness will force you to be obsequious, find your weakness, force the bridle to your teeth. Hence, less power is more worth to your Goodness. My ends are tied in a similar fashion; my power went for love and lies in knowing I have it."
Him: "You have given me much to think about, my Lady. But for now I must go and attempt to find an occupation in this world however beneath me I consider it to be employed in a restaurant. Adieu."
Me: "Employment is a power, too. Experience is drawn from there; and that is a drag-smoke worth knowing to steal. Be happy, my Knight. Live free."
I have demoted him by conversation purposes and he makes no test to attune my truth. Oh, to speak like a faery again...
Oh, to know I'm right.
to be powerful, hungry
and beautiful
especially when I am truly brilliant...
if only sometimes,
when I smile
to hear your words against my lips.
Him: "You know Eliac, I have forgotten many things in becoming Tao. What was my full name before? I can't remember. There are many names... Siragon, Tolien, Orannis.. but are any of them mine? I know not."
Me (miserably): "To me, you were Lord Tolien. The Black Leader and the White Leader... A grey-petal, if the idea amuses you. You were my worthy emissary, foe, friend.... all at once."
Him: "Huh... interesting. Thank you for staying with me even though I've changed, Eliac."
Me: "We cannot live a single moment and not change, my Lord. Every breath and blink changes us, every footstep our direction, ever wistful glance our longing changes, every glass of wine our disposition. Why abandon a fleeting moment, for just one?"
Him: "Not everyone welcomes change, especially the change of a close one. Though it is true we constantly change, many change more drastically than others."
Me: "And all of it from time. Service to time is rarely repaid by the object of that devotion. Change is a reward for service... or a punishment, if the hue of that enslavement is a poor one. Yours was clearly not, and yet was. You were a torn being who attempts to sew the damage shut with dreams and wishes. That's an empty, dangerous thought to languish with."
Him: "Dreams and wishes? I take action where others would not. And in time, I will change this world. My Rose and I have already begun the work of the greater good. Though action is useless without a plan of what to do."
Me: "You know your Milton, I'd presume. You find yourself standing at a precipice, a desert hell-hound land, beaten by the feet of hopeful men, and you want to build a bridge. Consider your Milton; was not God wise in giving his angels a devil to fight? That's what the Roses were. They fought, evil against good, and I taught. I taught threads of fate and hearts and love and dreams and stolen kisses. All that and more, I taught, I taught to those willing to listen. For a price I'll whisper in your ear; and that price... was listening. Listening to the hung, hot moon and the wind through the tall-grass. Listening to the silence and the sighs in the shadows.... shadow on my bridge.
Does that help your plan, my lord?"
Him: "If we were the evil, who was the good? "Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something. " The same applies to the opposite. Being evil for its own sake has no merits and betters no one. I'd rather make a person happy than take advantage of them for my purposes. You know I listen, Eliakim."
Me: "That's the trick to the hearts of men. None of us are truly good. We want to be so hard we learn to love and that teaches us what Good means, the value of good. Happiness can be found in teaching, not advantage, Jack. Teaching does not advantage make. You can learn that difference if you have students, and learn from them as I did. Learn. That I know you can do, as well as listen."
Him: "I... I do not know what to do anymore. Continuing who I was has lead me through a loop of being stuck in a vessel."
Me: "We are all trapped in Vessel. The more power you gain, my Knight, the less power you truly have. The more others beneath your goodness will force you to be obsequious, find your weakness, force the bridle to your teeth. Hence, less power is more worth to your Goodness. My ends are tied in a similar fashion; my power went for love and lies in knowing I have it."
Him: "You have given me much to think about, my Lady. But for now I must go and attempt to find an occupation in this world however beneath me I consider it to be employed in a restaurant. Adieu."
Me: "Employment is a power, too. Experience is drawn from there; and that is a drag-smoke worth knowing to steal. Be happy, my Knight. Live free."
I have demoted him by conversation purposes and he makes no test to attune my truth. Oh, to speak like a faery again...
Oh, to know I'm right.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Special: the return of.... not Tolien. Tao Taylor Brown....
Tolerance is better than no friends at all.
That sums up the blog post I would have made.... oh, a few hours ago?
It would've been very insightful, too.
If Jack hadn't come back.
Jack.... Jack Ember.
The musician? You don't know me well. Appearences aren't everything.
TOLIEN.
Lord.... Tolien.
Oh, this is tempting. This is so tempting. I've tried so hard to avoid answering this, but I can't. I can't... I can't just walk away.... !
One wall post, I tell myself. One wall post so I'm not snubbing him in case the Roses are watching. One.
Like it were ever that simple.
It isn't.
Retribution
Him: "Congratulations on your marriage, Eliac. We send our regards. Hehe, good to see you've left being Lady Eliac behind and became more human. Dwelling on who we used to be will only prolong our existence here, no? I have learned why I am here in this... vessel. Penance for past actions that I do not remember but perhaps you do. What have we done to deserve such a punishment as this? It has gone on for more years than we can remember, trapped in vessels and raging against my punishment. But I have realized that we do deserve this and are becoming someone else. A shred of the lord you remember still remains, but I am quite different now. More... generous and less misanthropic. Still, I wonder what it was that we did.."
Me: "We found ourselves...and I'm still looking, Jack. I'm looking everywhere for any inch of any thing that sates this hunger to be.... be what I was. Truth be, there is happiness in my life. But there is a sweetness I have lost for gaining that happiness. My fingers are morose with a deafness to the cunning that is no longer applicable. I've looked for anyone who will still speak to me after my heart gave itself to a human.... Anyone who can give me the chance to.... fight. "
Him: "I would speak with you. However, I myself am searching for those answer as well. Perhaps we are not meant to find them. Perhaps we are meant to become human, become kinder and more generous than we were previously. To learn the values of humans."
If you are reading this, my reply shames me.
Me: "I live in the values of humans, Jack. I need a challenge. There is no challenge in this.... not the type the dark part of me hungers for."
Him: "The challenge is, when the time comes, will you be willing to go back to your true self or will you stay with the humans and the one you love? My challenge is finding who has done this and asking them why. Nothing more, just a simple question. In my endeavors I have uncovered many secrets of this world as well as many clues to undoing this. But all of the clues come together and I realize that I cannot act on the clues. Not in this vessel."
'Vessel' is the word for the mundane body the Roses are trapped in. 'Vessel' is our real lives, selves. He is asking me to let him combine his vessel to see if he could over come it.... because I did. But at the same time, he's toying with it. There's an angle, can you see it? Can you guess it?
Me: "I have taken that challenge, and I tell you it is possible for both. If you teach them our ways... and give the world your heart... your true, real heart... then the skies will smile upon you. Let other fools plunder their gifts in fear, but not us. We are better than that, you and I."
Him: "I have done many things in my past I am not proud of. Once, I would flaunt them as an example of my power but now... I don't wish for a power to use in hate. I only wish to destroy those that seek to use their power to climb upon the backs of the weak and abuse their privileges. I have changed, Eliac. Sometimes I don't even believe I can regain that power, anymore."
They're following me out. Every single one. Every single fucking one.
Me: "Our power lies in our will. There's power in a wish... and Drive. And hunger. We live to salvage, but when all is well--! Ay, there's the rub. From being in contentment, so is drawn our discontent. That is your heart-lament, is this not so?"
Him: "I used to want to be free of this vessel solely so I could wreak vengeance upon those I hated and remake this world in my image. Now I want more than anything to change this world for the better, to make a world where the strong and weak go hand in hand instead of the strong riding atop the weak. I want it more than anything. But alas, I cannot be free again. I lament the loss of power, not for myself but for those who need it and those who deserve it. I have truly become a generous person...."
Me: "Free? From what? Why the change? You were a formidable opposition to the name of the Roses, my Lord. Remain so; it is more than evident your mind has not diminished. Generous why? What could make a man sworn to the eradication of human kind, the player of the Dangerous game itself, the seducer of women, the weapon of the dark-thorns, desire a peace and solace for the hearts of the mundane? You need not ask to have my aid and ears, but regardless... old suspicions... rarely die. "
And hope doesn't die, either. Hope I'm right and this is a scheme to get in my favor before you throw your dark-soul back onto mine.
...did I mention? Tolien wasn't always a White Rose. In fact, only at the beginning. We kept in touch, we advised each other and he was our Sitting head at the White Rose, but in Truth, Tolien has always kept the Black.
...Tolien himself is--and might still be--a Black Rose.
Oh, God.... Tolien.... Tolien, please....
Him: "I have come to understand, with the aid of one from the ranks of the Black Rose, that there is nothing to be gained from selfishness. I could have all the power of reality and it would do me no good if all opposed me. Villains never win; I have been worn down. I have seen and felt first hand the cruelty of the mundanes in power and I understand now what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone's wrath and be powerless against it. I too have fallen for a mundane, Eliac. He is one of the weak who deserves better. I am no longer who I was. I am Tao now. The Tao, the T'au, it doesn't matter which religion or belief you refer to. I have dedicated myself to the greater good."
....No.... no... no.... please.... I can't.... you can't follow me into everything. Not lik--
You're in love.
You've been hurt.
....you need me.
Even now.
Damn it.... I cannot scream for knowing that, Toli--Jac--Tao? You need me. That's what matters.
That's always all that's mattered. Forget my breaking....
Me: "Far be it from me to rebuild an empty past, my Lord.... Tao. What can I do to serve your heart-song? What can Lady Eliac do to soothe with Sunshine and Loyalty? I will aid you; let me hear your tale. Let me hear of your.... Greater Good. "
Oh, but it is breaking. I won't scream and I won't punch walls, but this... this is.... so.... horrible.... I want to scream. I want to talk to someone. Anyone. Please. Someone. I'll take Azrael. This is not a retribution for me; Jack has contacted me for HIM. He's apologizing to ME. Because he fell in love, too. Oh.... not you too... you'll not realize it straight away, but you'll miss what I'm offering. If we're both cut we'll kill each other before long. Listen--
that's not true.
That's not true, that's not true. You need me. I'll still be here. But -I- want.... something.... so, so different.... and I was so close--!
This is silly, Payton. Don't cry, not over this. You're a woman, now. You're--
crying....
Him: "The greater good is many things... One being the betterment of all, mundane and otherwise. All those who radically oppose the greater good must sadly be eliminated. There is an expression about eggs and omelets that comes to mind. When it is done, none shall sit in luxury while others starve in the gutter. All shall have equal opportunities of occupation and lifestyle and there would be no discrimination. And as I said before, the strong will not prey upon the weak. There would need to be leaders and military of course but they would treat those lower than them as equals rather than inferiors. This applies to mundanes, not just us. The mundanes are some of the cruelest people but also the kindest. I would not wish what happened to me upon any other but sadly it has happened. The work of the greater good is never done, Eliac, but I try to play my part in it. We all play our part in the greater good, be it a simple act of kindness to a stranger or unifying a nation. The Black Rose has long since rallied behind this ideal behind me and now it shall be official that the Black Rose, a symbol of darkness and destruction shall become the the Celestial Rose. A symbol of peace and deliverance. You may not understand these ideas but... I know how it feels to be powerless against immense cruelty...."
He did it. He rallied the Roses to the cause I made for them.
THEY did it.
....Cured. They're.... completely cured. Ryan's treachery must have gotten out...
Me: "I can understand... your ideas. Your story remains untried by your beautiful ideals. Nothing can be done... even by me? I would try. For you, I always will try."
Oh, please help me. Anyone. Please, please help me. I am incredible pain from an ailment I can neither diagnose nor reconcile with. My heart is breaking in ways I cannot fathom. I'm in tears and I want to scream and punch things... I want to be sobbing in a corner quietly. Oh.... Oh help me.... please.
I don't know what's wrong, but please.... HELP....
Him: "Thank you, my Lady. We have a part to play in the Greater Good. Maybe one day I would tell you what happened to me. For now, bon soir. If you wish to add my Facebook that I use normally, I can provide that to you."
Stop crying, Payton. He's quitting. You've had countless copies of this same conversation with other people.... people leaving the Roses. It's... it's fine....
I mean, sure. Their problems are cured the minute you leave. They've cured themselves with love. Ryan's been overthrown, and you didn't see any of it. They don't need you. You're empty of Roses. Totally.
But.... I...
Me: "You will always be in my heart. You know that, don't you? Of course, I'll take it. I'll... I'll miss... just... so much..."
Him: "It is strange you would miss a person of such cruelty. I will still be around, of course. Just with a concern for others. Tao Taylor Brown if you wish to befriend that profile."
My heart is breaking.
I say that... so often. I say it all the time.
I think you need to know that my heart is like a dam.
And every day, there are little leaks, little problems,
which pain me.
But never a flood.
Help me. Please help me.
I don't know what's wrong.... but help me.
Please help me.
Help...
That sums up the blog post I would have made.... oh, a few hours ago?
It would've been very insightful, too.
If Jack hadn't come back.
Jack.... Jack Ember.
The musician? You don't know me well. Appearences aren't everything.
TOLIEN.
Lord.... Tolien.
Oh, this is tempting. This is so tempting. I've tried so hard to avoid answering this, but I can't. I can't... I can't just walk away.... !
One wall post, I tell myself. One wall post so I'm not snubbing him in case the Roses are watching. One.
Like it were ever that simple.
It isn't.
Retribution
Him: "Congratulations on your marriage, Eliac. We send our regards. Hehe, good to see you've left being Lady Eliac behind and became more human. Dwelling on who we used to be will only prolong our existence here, no? I have learned why I am here in this... vessel. Penance for past actions that I do not remember but perhaps you do. What have we done to deserve such a punishment as this? It has gone on for more years than we can remember, trapped in vessels and raging against my punishment. But I have realized that we do deserve this and are becoming someone else. A shred of the lord you remember still remains, but I am quite different now. More... generous and less misanthropic. Still, I wonder what it was that we did.."
Me: "We found ourselves...and I'm still looking, Jack. I'm looking everywhere for any inch of any thing that sates this hunger to be.... be what I was. Truth be, there is happiness in my life. But there is a sweetness I have lost for gaining that happiness. My fingers are morose with a deafness to the cunning that is no longer applicable. I've looked for anyone who will still speak to me after my heart gave itself to a human.... Anyone who can give me the chance to.... fight. "
Him: "I would speak with you. However, I myself am searching for those answer as well. Perhaps we are not meant to find them. Perhaps we are meant to become human, become kinder and more generous than we were previously. To learn the values of humans."
If you are reading this, my reply shames me.
Me: "I live in the values of humans, Jack. I need a challenge. There is no challenge in this.... not the type the dark part of me hungers for."
Him: "The challenge is, when the time comes, will you be willing to go back to your true self or will you stay with the humans and the one you love? My challenge is finding who has done this and asking them why. Nothing more, just a simple question. In my endeavors I have uncovered many secrets of this world as well as many clues to undoing this. But all of the clues come together and I realize that I cannot act on the clues. Not in this vessel."
'Vessel' is the word for the mundane body the Roses are trapped in. 'Vessel' is our real lives, selves. He is asking me to let him combine his vessel to see if he could over come it.... because I did. But at the same time, he's toying with it. There's an angle, can you see it? Can you guess it?
Me: "I have taken that challenge, and I tell you it is possible for both. If you teach them our ways... and give the world your heart... your true, real heart... then the skies will smile upon you. Let other fools plunder their gifts in fear, but not us. We are better than that, you and I."
Him: "I have done many things in my past I am not proud of. Once, I would flaunt them as an example of my power but now... I don't wish for a power to use in hate. I only wish to destroy those that seek to use their power to climb upon the backs of the weak and abuse their privileges. I have changed, Eliac. Sometimes I don't even believe I can regain that power, anymore."
They're following me out. Every single one. Every single fucking one.
Me: "Our power lies in our will. There's power in a wish... and Drive. And hunger. We live to salvage, but when all is well--! Ay, there's the rub. From being in contentment, so is drawn our discontent. That is your heart-lament, is this not so?"
Him: "I used to want to be free of this vessel solely so I could wreak vengeance upon those I hated and remake this world in my image. Now I want more than anything to change this world for the better, to make a world where the strong and weak go hand in hand instead of the strong riding atop the weak. I want it more than anything. But alas, I cannot be free again. I lament the loss of power, not for myself but for those who need it and those who deserve it. I have truly become a generous person...."
Me: "Free? From what? Why the change? You were a formidable opposition to the name of the Roses, my Lord. Remain so; it is more than evident your mind has not diminished. Generous why? What could make a man sworn to the eradication of human kind, the player of the Dangerous game itself, the seducer of women, the weapon of the dark-thorns, desire a peace and solace for the hearts of the mundane? You need not ask to have my aid and ears, but regardless... old suspicions... rarely die. "
And hope doesn't die, either. Hope I'm right and this is a scheme to get in my favor before you throw your dark-soul back onto mine.
...did I mention? Tolien wasn't always a White Rose. In fact, only at the beginning. We kept in touch, we advised each other and he was our Sitting head at the White Rose, but in Truth, Tolien has always kept the Black.
...Tolien himself is--and might still be--a Black Rose.
Oh, God.... Tolien.... Tolien, please....
Him: "I have come to understand, with the aid of one from the ranks of the Black Rose, that there is nothing to be gained from selfishness. I could have all the power of reality and it would do me no good if all opposed me. Villains never win; I have been worn down. I have seen and felt first hand the cruelty of the mundanes in power and I understand now what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone's wrath and be powerless against it. I too have fallen for a mundane, Eliac. He is one of the weak who deserves better. I am no longer who I was. I am Tao now. The Tao, the T'au, it doesn't matter which religion or belief you refer to. I have dedicated myself to the greater good."
....No.... no... no.... please.... I can't.... you can't follow me into everything. Not lik--
You're in love.
You've been hurt.
....you need me.
Even now.
Damn it.... I cannot scream for knowing that, Toli--Jac--Tao? You need me. That's what matters.
That's always all that's mattered. Forget my breaking....
Me: "Far be it from me to rebuild an empty past, my Lord.... Tao. What can I do to serve your heart-song? What can Lady Eliac do to soothe with Sunshine and Loyalty? I will aid you; let me hear your tale. Let me hear of your.... Greater Good. "
Oh, but it is breaking. I won't scream and I won't punch walls, but this... this is.... so.... horrible.... I want to scream. I want to talk to someone. Anyone. Please. Someone. I'll take Azrael. This is not a retribution for me; Jack has contacted me for HIM. He's apologizing to ME. Because he fell in love, too. Oh.... not you too... you'll not realize it straight away, but you'll miss what I'm offering. If we're both cut we'll kill each other before long. Listen--
that's not true.
That's not true, that's not true. You need me. I'll still be here. But -I- want.... something.... so, so different.... and I was so close--!
This is silly, Payton. Don't cry, not over this. You're a woman, now. You're--
crying....
Him: "The greater good is many things... One being the betterment of all, mundane and otherwise. All those who radically oppose the greater good must sadly be eliminated. There is an expression about eggs and omelets that comes to mind. When it is done, none shall sit in luxury while others starve in the gutter. All shall have equal opportunities of occupation and lifestyle and there would be no discrimination. And as I said before, the strong will not prey upon the weak. There would need to be leaders and military of course but they would treat those lower than them as equals rather than inferiors. This applies to mundanes, not just us. The mundanes are some of the cruelest people but also the kindest. I would not wish what happened to me upon any other but sadly it has happened. The work of the greater good is never done, Eliac, but I try to play my part in it. We all play our part in the greater good, be it a simple act of kindness to a stranger or unifying a nation. The Black Rose has long since rallied behind this ideal behind me and now it shall be official that the Black Rose, a symbol of darkness and destruction shall become the the Celestial Rose. A symbol of peace and deliverance. You may not understand these ideas but... I know how it feels to be powerless against immense cruelty...."
He did it. He rallied the Roses to the cause I made for them.
THEY did it.
....Cured. They're.... completely cured. Ryan's treachery must have gotten out...
Me: "I can understand... your ideas. Your story remains untried by your beautiful ideals. Nothing can be done... even by me? I would try. For you, I always will try."
Oh, please help me. Anyone. Please, please help me. I am incredible pain from an ailment I can neither diagnose nor reconcile with. My heart is breaking in ways I cannot fathom. I'm in tears and I want to scream and punch things... I want to be sobbing in a corner quietly. Oh.... Oh help me.... please.
I don't know what's wrong, but please.... HELP....
Him: "Thank you, my Lady. We have a part to play in the Greater Good. Maybe one day I would tell you what happened to me. For now, bon soir. If you wish to add my Facebook that I use normally, I can provide that to you."
Stop crying, Payton. He's quitting. You've had countless copies of this same conversation with other people.... people leaving the Roses. It's... it's fine....
I mean, sure. Their problems are cured the minute you leave. They've cured themselves with love. Ryan's been overthrown, and you didn't see any of it. They don't need you. You're empty of Roses. Totally.
But.... I...
Me: "You will always be in my heart. You know that, don't you? Of course, I'll take it. I'll... I'll miss... just... so much..."
Him: "It is strange you would miss a person of such cruelty. I will still be around, of course. Just with a concern for others. Tao Taylor Brown if you wish to befriend that profile."
My heart is breaking.
I say that... so often. I say it all the time.
I think you need to know that my heart is like a dam.
And every day, there are little leaks, little problems,
which pain me.
But never a flood.
Help me. Please help me.
I don't know what's wrong.... but help me.
Please help me.
Help...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Special: Senior party
Carebear award, third year running
Best being able to play an Elderly person award
Hide and Seek award.
One from Kate, two from Conner.
None from Schultz.
"As friends---
we are hungry,
for living, for drinking
as friends---
we are thirsty,
for laughter, for love.
It's hard to live
it's hard to grow
for you we will bloom though,
my heart-song,
my friend:
happy birthday."
That's the song I sang.
As a skit.
In front of EVERYONE.
Finley says (who knows if I can believe him?) that's the reason my group won the scavenger hunt.
Schultz threw away the lyrics.
In the notebook, I wrote, "my writing is the faintest, Schultz, so it's possible you'll miss this. Then, why am I worried? You didn't miss me,
when I was invisible.
Let's be friends, okay?
Your heart-giver,
Payton."
I write them so I won't forget.
And now, I'd rather like to cry
wrapped in my heart like I always am
I realize it has holes to fill
in my new life.
It should be a revelation
but instead I am sad, so sad
and want to pick up a needle, some thread
and sew the damage shut.
Dear God,
let me not lose my friends twice in one summer.
Once was painful enough,
please?
I know you are wiser, are stronger
and more good
than I could ever be, God
but please, don't take them from me.
Don't... don't let them forget AGAIN.
Especially Schultz
my hero
who I tried, so hard, to show Payton tonight--
and who, like "most likely to become Kate Schultz"
our Murley
did not notice.
Best being able to play an Elderly person award
Hide and Seek award.
One from Kate, two from Conner.
None from Schultz.
"As friends---
we are hungry,
for living, for drinking
as friends---
we are thirsty,
for laughter, for love.
It's hard to live
it's hard to grow
for you we will bloom though,
my heart-song,
my friend:
happy birthday."
That's the song I sang.
As a skit.
In front of EVERYONE.
Finley says (who knows if I can believe him?) that's the reason my group won the scavenger hunt.
Schultz threw away the lyrics.
In the notebook, I wrote, "my writing is the faintest, Schultz, so it's possible you'll miss this. Then, why am I worried? You didn't miss me,
when I was invisible.
Let's be friends, okay?
Your heart-giver,
Payton."
I write them so I won't forget.
And now, I'd rather like to cry
wrapped in my heart like I always am
I realize it has holes to fill
in my new life.
It should be a revelation
but instead I am sad, so sad
and want to pick up a needle, some thread
and sew the damage shut.
Dear God,
let me not lose my friends twice in one summer.
Once was painful enough,
please?
I know you are wiser, are stronger
and more good
than I could ever be, God
but please, don't take them from me.
Don't... don't let them forget AGAIN.
Especially Schultz
my hero
who I tried, so hard, to show Payton tonight--
and who, like "most likely to become Kate Schultz"
our Murley
did not notice.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Special
"Come to me; what I seek in vain
bring thou; into my spirit send
peace after care, balm after pain
and be my friend."
"But listen, I am warning you
I'm living for the very last time.
Not as a swallow, nor a maple
not as a reed, nor as a star,
Not as spring water,
nor as the toll of bells...
will I return to trouble men
nor will I vex their dreams again
with my insatiable moans."
Today, when you left me
before the sun had painted the sky with its fingertips
I did everything I could to remember the feel of your
heartbeat on my ears
your warmth against the cold retreat of night,
your chin over my shoulder.
You had to go,
my Finley, love
and I will not forget
but oh, oh
how I wish that courage,
wishing were enough
to keep you close to me
when so much else is falling to pieces
in my budding life,
now sprayed with pesticide.
Without you,
I would be abandoned
and I would have no reason,
to bloom.
Finley....
bring thou; into my spirit send
peace after care, balm after pain
and be my friend."
"But listen, I am warning you
I'm living for the very last time.
Not as a swallow, nor a maple
not as a reed, nor as a star,
Not as spring water,
nor as the toll of bells...
will I return to trouble men
nor will I vex their dreams again
with my insatiable moans."
Today, when you left me
before the sun had painted the sky with its fingertips
I did everything I could to remember the feel of your
heartbeat on my ears
your warmth against the cold retreat of night,
your chin over my shoulder.
You had to go,
my Finley, love
and I will not forget
but oh, oh
how I wish that courage,
wishing were enough
to keep you close to me
when so much else is falling to pieces
in my budding life,
now sprayed with pesticide.
Without you,
I would be abandoned
and I would have no reason,
to bloom.
Finley....
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Special
My future mother-in-law
has a right to assign her nineteen-year-old sun chores
that is expected, when he can't move out, he has responsibilities to maintain.
That I understand.
But this bullshit that she's pulling
just because she can
just because DEREK IS PUSHING HER INTO IT
that is NOT okay
and I am FURIOUS.
She is
STEALING ANOTHER ONE OF MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS SUMMERS
just because she can.
I'm done helping her.
Done.
has a right to assign her nineteen-year-old sun chores
that is expected, when he can't move out, he has responsibilities to maintain.
That I understand.
But this bullshit that she's pulling
just because she can
just because DEREK IS PUSHING HER INTO IT
that is NOT okay
and I am FURIOUS.
She is
STEALING ANOTHER ONE OF MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS SUMMERS
just because she can.
I'm done helping her.
Done.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Special
I make friends by loving,
and giving them my heart.
I am very used to people not taking it
not wanting it
not using it at all
or worse yet
taking it
using it for evil
then throwing it away.
That I am used to.
I am not used to laughs
when I can't control my wild side
when all I want to do is make happiness
I am not used to kindness,
I am not used to Katie happy or
an un-shy Renee,
not used to a grinning Hannah
a sleepy Mrs. Nathan (good-hearted darling)
furry dogs
and a full, untouched hurt.
Finley's coming and I'm smiling
and I'm not hurt.
I don't deserve
to be happy
but I'll accept it,
anyways.
and giving them my heart.
I am very used to people not taking it
not wanting it
not using it at all
or worse yet
taking it
using it for evil
then throwing it away.
That I am used to.
I am not used to laughs
when I can't control my wild side
when all I want to do is make happiness
I am not used to kindness,
I am not used to Katie happy or
an un-shy Renee,
not used to a grinning Hannah
a sleepy Mrs. Nathan (good-hearted darling)
furry dogs
and a full, untouched hurt.
Finley's coming and I'm smiling
and I'm not hurt.
I don't deserve
to be happy
but I'll accept it,
anyways.
Special: Oh, shit
Katie, this is the nightmare I had about you. I was up about five-thirty because of this dream, and even though it won't happen, I'm writing it down. Text me and tell me you're okay when you see this okay? I'm sorry you're busy, but it was really, really bad.
Last night, you went to the Grandview carnival. Grandview is the city the popular television series 'Ghost Whisperer' takes places in. You went to see a fortune teller with blue-black hair and a flowing white dress who was very, very beautiful. And she warned you not to go home that night, because bad things were going to come, very soon, to you. Pain from somebody you loved.
You went home, though. Disobeyed the tellers' advice, I guess because you were with people who didn't believe in that stuff--I don't even know if you do. Dream you definitely decided not to against her better judgment. Dream you's hair was pink, by the way.
When you got home, it was dark and nobody answered you. Even though it was silly, you were calling for Brad, like, "Hello? Brad?"
And then you laughed at yourself and went to pour yourself some sort of drink I assume was alcoholic. To calm your nerves? I don't know.
And then a hand came over your face, and.... someone we both know was killing you. I think they killed you? The last shot of the dream is a really bloodied Katie with dry, cracked lips calling for me.
And then I woke up.
So, I know it's not real. It's just a very, VERY fucked up dream.
Still.... text me, okay? s:>
Last night, you went to the Grandview carnival. Grandview is the city the popular television series 'Ghost Whisperer' takes places in. You went to see a fortune teller with blue-black hair and a flowing white dress who was very, very beautiful. And she warned you not to go home that night, because bad things were going to come, very soon, to you. Pain from somebody you loved.
You went home, though. Disobeyed the tellers' advice, I guess because you were with people who didn't believe in that stuff--I don't even know if you do. Dream you definitely decided not to against her better judgment. Dream you's hair was pink, by the way.
When you got home, it was dark and nobody answered you. Even though it was silly, you were calling for Brad, like, "Hello? Brad?"
And then you laughed at yourself and went to pour yourself some sort of drink I assume was alcoholic. To calm your nerves? I don't know.
And then a hand came over your face, and.... someone we both know was killing you. I think they killed you? The last shot of the dream is a really bloodied Katie with dry, cracked lips calling for me.
And then I woke up.
So, I know it's not real. It's just a very, VERY fucked up dream.
Still.... text me, okay? s:>
Monday, July 4, 2011
Special: this one's for me
You know, I write some very beautiful things about people.
Poetry I take for their heart, that my fingers tack to pages
just so they can see it for themselves.
Sometimes, I wish someone would do that for me
I want to know what's in my eyes,
I want to know what you can see from your heart for feeling me
I want to know if my smile melts your heart.
Then, I suppose that is the common wish,
of Poets?
To have someone write about them,
too?
Poetry I take for their heart, that my fingers tack to pages
just so they can see it for themselves.
Sometimes, I wish someone would do that for me
I want to know what's in my eyes,
I want to know what you can see from your heart for feeling me
I want to know if my smile melts your heart.
Then, I suppose that is the common wish,
of Poets?
To have someone write about them,
too?
Special: Breathing after pain
"You and your poison makes me cringe sometimes.
And Payton was fighting it for me.
I was so poisoned I was blind to it...."
"[You]
Report · 9:12pm
And until you can complete that purpose, I guess you're stuck with me.... telling you how beautiful and wonderful you are.
That you deserve to be loved, to be surrounded by people who care enough to listen and touch your heart like you touch ours.
[Katie Gundlach]
Report · 9:12pm
Gosh, it seems like life can't get better.
I have you. At the very least I have you and that's worth a lot."
I will always fight your poison;
just because you're in my heart.
At least you care enough to admit it.
And Payton was fighting it for me.
I was so poisoned I was blind to it...."
"[You]
Report · 9:12pm
And until you can complete that purpose, I guess you're stuck with me.... telling you how beautiful and wonderful you are.
That you deserve to be loved, to be surrounded by people who care enough to listen and touch your heart like you touch ours.
[Katie Gundlach]
Report · 9:12pm
Gosh, it seems like life can't get better.
I have you. At the very least I have you and that's worth a lot."
I will always fight your poison;
just because you're in my heart.
At least you care enough to admit it.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Special
Mmm. Mother nature, seriously. Stop ravaging my insides. If you wanted women to be pregnant this much, you could make this feel awesome. You could give me, I don't know, joy rides or something in your sky-chariot.
This shit is fucked.
So yeah.
If you were going to ask me about the fight I witnessed (and of course, ''wanted'' to fight in but also to help, always to help despite Ruth's encouraging words against ''people-pleasing'' today), I would laugh at you.
I would say, it isn't over a girl. ("Isn't it always about a girl?" No.)
I would say, it was over a boy.
Two boys.
In love.
Breaking up. With Testerone. And friends who don't know the undercurrent.
I would say, I laughed, wrongly
mostly from the policemen who saw my hat and thought I was a gangster and said, "was there a fight around here?"
guess I was redeemed by Finley's dress shoes and pants and shirt.
Mm.
Also, this:
"When you call me snow white, is it a term of affection?"
"Unusual question." By God, I made a rhyme! I'm so wonderfully clever. Look at me and all my joyful cynic, cramp-filled cleverness. Why, I should win a medal. Statues should be erected in my honor. The heavens should weave themselves into a cloak and place at my hairy hobbit feet. Wheee!
"Unusual answer to a two-option question." Yours did not rhyme, and you have tempted me. You are over-thinking a simple name given for good-will, Kate? For shame.
"How do you mean?" Bait taken, but to be fair, it wasn't a two answer question. You confused me.
"I mean it for your pretty skin. Dark hair and white skin.... like her, yes? Loved and envied like her, too."
No response. None. Pft... silly Payton... at least it stings less when you're expecting it.
If only a little.
Just to bring down your confidence in your ability to cause pain, cramps hurt more.
....Does that mean I still win my medal?
I posted on Kate's blog today.
We'll see how that hip-hop rolls
and if I'm invited to her dance club.
If only to watch.
....Participation is forbidden from me.
"All we wanna do is eat your brains..."
This shit is fucked.
So yeah.
If you were going to ask me about the fight I witnessed (and of course, ''wanted'' to fight in but also to help, always to help despite Ruth's encouraging words against ''people-pleasing'' today), I would laugh at you.
I would say, it isn't over a girl. ("Isn't it always about a girl?" No.)
I would say, it was over a boy.
Two boys.
In love.
Breaking up. With Testerone. And friends who don't know the undercurrent.
I would say, I laughed, wrongly
mostly from the policemen who saw my hat and thought I was a gangster and said, "was there a fight around here?"
guess I was redeemed by Finley's dress shoes and pants and shirt.
Mm.
Also, this:
"When you call me snow white, is it a term of affection?"
"Unusual question." By God, I made a rhyme! I'm so wonderfully clever. Look at me and all my joyful cynic, cramp-filled cleverness. Why, I should win a medal. Statues should be erected in my honor. The heavens should weave themselves into a cloak and place at my hairy hobbit feet. Wheee!
"Unusual answer to a two-option question." Yours did not rhyme, and you have tempted me. You are over-thinking a simple name given for good-will, Kate? For shame.
"How do you mean?" Bait taken, but to be fair, it wasn't a two answer question. You confused me.
"I mean it for your pretty skin. Dark hair and white skin.... like her, yes? Loved and envied like her, too."
No response. None. Pft... silly Payton... at least it stings less when you're expecting it.
If only a little.
Just to bring down your confidence in your ability to cause pain, cramps hurt more.
....Does that mean I still win my medal?
I posted on Kate's blog today.
We'll see how that hip-hop rolls
and if I'm invited to her dance club.
If only to watch.
....Participation is forbidden from me.
"All we wanna do is eat your brains..."
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Special: sun-drunk
Yesterday, I went to Mt. Olympus.
I taught the children
their share of mythology from the names and rides
my mom shook her head at my dreaming
and I threw her into a wave that made me wish for Roses.
Water did not harm me,
but 'Apollo' certainly did
seeping into my snow-white skin
and turning it this gold color.
It makes me feel wild, sun
and that is very dangerous
(as King Haggard would say).
Not to mention the red patches you left on my shoulder.
I saw beautiful things, though.
The Eagle with the feather-wing missing, soaring.
Wizard Quest.
Hellooooo, large discounts!
I didn't go in to a game I would have won.
Peace-making..
The man with the tattoos of his children's name,
glowing love,
black mini-beard bristling,
skin shining fiercely.
That's how it works.
A patch of marshland
colors I remember but for pride's sake will not name.
A phone call.
"Pay?"
Time to go home.
Taylor's seizing.
Wrapped in Finley's arm,
my skin is still warm when you touch it.
Still warm, today.
Is this
what Queen Aislinn
feels like?
Talked to Kate today.
I started to go Payton on her, on the Facebook
realized what I was doing
and then she left me.
She always leaves.
I taught the children
their share of mythology from the names and rides
my mom shook her head at my dreaming
and I threw her into a wave that made me wish for Roses.
Water did not harm me,
but 'Apollo' certainly did
seeping into my snow-white skin
and turning it this gold color.
It makes me feel wild, sun
and that is very dangerous
(as King Haggard would say).
Not to mention the red patches you left on my shoulder.
I saw beautiful things, though.
The Eagle with the feather-wing missing, soaring.
Wizard Quest.
Hellooooo, large discounts!
I didn't go in to a game I would have won.
Peace-making..
The man with the tattoos of his children's name,
glowing love,
black mini-beard bristling,
skin shining fiercely.
That's how it works.
A patch of marshland
colors I remember but for pride's sake will not name.
A phone call.
"Pay?"
Time to go home.
Taylor's seizing.
Wrapped in Finley's arm,
my skin is still warm when you touch it.
Still warm, today.
Is this
what Queen Aislinn
feels like?
Talked to Kate today.
I started to go Payton on her, on the Facebook
realized what I was doing
and then she left me.
She always leaves.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)