Wild: Dream Digging

Aaye, Courts!

Hail, the White Council of the Elements and of God. Befoul no heart in this chamber, know it well and hear it justly. Greetings to the Noble, the unjust, the powerful, the unfavored, the wise--by the word of the scared Law, hear this humble voice and know its truth.

Greetings to this council, untainted by the temptations of wickedness; victorious to the thrall-doms of the evil: the heroic. The best and finest of all good creatures and beings alike sit in this chamber. May the time of our existence honor the valor of your every breath...

May the opening of our hearts free us from petty injustice, and clouded Right--Rest forever in the Valor of the Law.

wild: Not a Queen anymore

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to come to terms with being normal. I ruled a kingdom. I spent four years breathing magic and believing in it.
The real world has spent every day since I tried to do the "healthy" thing beating that magic out of me. I look and I look for it, and I find it. Now it doesn't seem to matter. I'm the only person that ever wanted it. The only person that believes in this world the way I do is me.

I lost friends. Good friends.

People who told me they'd fight for me and didn't.
People who were disgusted with me, or disappointed with something I did.
People who only wanted to be my friend when it was easy.

And then there are people that lost me and don't care.

People who will always see me with a stigma attached.
People who don't care that I've grown up, and become social.
People who I feel would rather cross the street to get away from me than say hullo.
People who never liked me, and, no matter how many times I try, never will.

What's the point of that? Why do I even bother?

I lost the big thing I was supposed to do in High School. I made one friend, and I fell in love, but nobody answered my texts or emails, any of that shit. Now, since I had to figure out how to be "normal" on my own, it's too late to make friends. I'll never have any.

Even when I meet up with people I knew, when I was myself, when magic was easy as air, there are long silences. I tell them the truth and they stare. We agree many people our age our idiots, and they leave after an hour, when we do the things I do that they don't like - but they don't have any alternatives for what they'd rather do.

I can't handle the only noises I hear being the ones I create, and I have nothing to show for it. I have no armor left, and that is something that can't be fixed. I lost the most important part of myself, and nobody even noticed. There's not a single person that asks, and I so wanted them to. This is supposed to be the best part of my life, when I laugh and make stupid choices, but there's nobody.

I see Katie almost every day, and that's the only thing that keeps me sane. Finley, too, he keeps me sane. He never questions me, but I feel like he likes me a little less every time I see him. His friends still judge me. When I'm around them - his little posse of cool blokes - he has deliberately snubbed me before. What am I supposed to do with that?

I always told him the truth. I kept him up to date. I was honest. I did this in the best way possible, the way that hurt everyone the least. I was so careful with him, because he was, and is, precious to me.

I can't fix this. I lost a belief that was the core of every thought, decision, sentence I said, and I gave it up.  It broke me and I don't know how to fix it, even though I keep trying. It'll be years before I can forgive myself; I'm pretty sure there's plenty of things I won't forgive myself for.

I lost my kingdom.  Timothi and Slyandrile, Dyrim and Calue, Magnus, Nyx, Brontus, Maria, even quiet Lucy. James. Azrael. Ragfaron, my dearest friend. Michael - my Ignio... so many. So many more.

Part of me recognizes the irony of it; I worked so hard to be normal, succeeded, and hate it.

All I want now is to become disillusioned with this stupid, mean world again. Being hopeful was so much easier before I learned what people were really like. Cruel. Petty. Vengeful.

I can find the good in them, always, but it doesn't matter, does it? The only person who benefits from knowing your heart is a good one is me, if the people I tell won't listen, or don't believe it.






























I am no one now.



























































































and I miss him. Sean. He made me feel like I was magic on my own, and I'll never see him again. At the first chance to prove all of the things he told me about defending me, he instead did the opposite. He loves her, I guess that's how it works.






















































































He's the only friend I lost that I might be able to get back, though.


















































He's the only one who didn't have to call me a Queen to treat me like one. I still get them, you know. Messages. From Knights, and Lords, and the very rare lady. Noble ladies are a very self-sufficient bunch. My good Siragon, for example, there's rare a day when I don't hear from him. I lost it. I lost the magic that I devoted my life to, because, even though I'm happy, I'm broken, too. I broke down my world, all of it, to give myself to her. Alisare is shattered.









But I won't give up on it. I can find new knights, and ladies, and lords. I can rebuild this Kingdom, I can make it guileless and cunning both if I must.


I think it's the  only thing I can do, because getting -- getting out of bed every morning shouldn't hurt this much. Living shouldn't hurt like this. Katie and Finley weren't the only things that made me happy when I had magic in me.





















































































Here's to hoping that, if I am deserving, it returns to me.