Wild: CLOP

So Katie made a friend, and introduced her to me
by tumblr, the fertile land of fandom for nerds
and it appears we like all the same stuff.

We played this stupid, horrible game I can't stop playing--
where you try to make a Unicorn run, actually--
called CLOP.

Game made me freaking crazy.

They were so kind.
We were just hanging in Ashley's living room,
doing tumblr, facebook, clop, laughing at youtube
and I realized that I could breathe.

Remembered the feeling of breathing is the best thing in the world.

Even with everything at home as stressful, as difficult as it is
I can do it if I have friends like that.

I'd never have gotten to where I am now without the people I have in my life.
Schultz, when she forced me to think like an "American" during highschool;
for keeping me humble and not acting like a fucking Queen all the time (harhar).
Finley, for looking at me like I were going out of style, for writing me stupid notes in Giant
Hannah Nathan, for laughing it off when I said the wrong thing,
for fairy-wing-wearing flocking trips and howling at the moon
Katie, for pulling me out of the throng and letting me rescue her---just once--
Johnny, for dancing backstage like our feet were on fire.
Dominic, for letting me answer his qualms with a smile, for letting me help.




Really, my life has been very stressful lately. I'm not throwing a pity party, mind you. I'm letting it go, trying to learn, adapt.







But I'm not a Canadian right now. I'm not American, either. I'm just.... me. It's been awhile. A long while, in fact. I think I could grow to like me, the way I'm supposed to be. There's nothing to call me back.










After mad-tumblr-party, Katie and I drove back to her apartment. I thought she'd take me home, but she didn't; we talked, we shook our heads to whatever c.d. she had in the drive, danced a little. We went inside. Katie murmured in disappointment that she couldn't keep doing the driving around thing because she didn't have the money for gas; I took note of it and reminded myself to buy her a gas card or two when she's not feeling so well. Good friends deserve adventures, after all.

"I don't feel like dancing anymore. I'm tired. Welcome to my life. Anyways, I'm going to bed," she announced cheerfully, walking towards the ugly chair in the corner and plucking the Prisoner of Azkaban off its cushions.

"Good night," I said obediently, a smile twitching at my lips.

But she didn't leave. She started reading. Katie started reading and I oddly found myself riveted to the story woven into my heart strings. I channeled the words, I saw it carry through in my head, and Katie read. And read. And read. A few times she'd pause, we'd discuss time-travel (for who better than Whovians to question J.K.'s handle of time?), plot holes, childhood moments, experiences....

I was so happy. Thought made the blood rush to my cheeks and the words poured from my tongue like raindrops.


We didn't finish the book. We got very close, but just stopped. Discussion pulled us away from the story. Katie went to bed.


When we woke this afternoon, a little after noon in fact, Katie was leaving for lunch with her mam. She was moving towards the door; the last of J.K.'s magic wrestled my tongue from silence.

"Thank you," I said abruptly.

"Mer?" She said, wheeling around to face me again, the keys jangling against her hand.

"Thank you," I repeated with a sheepish sort of smile. My heart exploded in my chest.

"For? What're you thanking me for?"

"Reading," I said, after a moment.

"Oh," she replied, blinking, her eyes twinkling with what an idiot I was and how much it amused her. "No problem."



So I got my stuff and walked to McDonald's, bought a soda (I was really low), and now I'm doing this. Playing CLOP, writing my story, tumblring. Trying to sneak a ride home from my Facebook friends.


I want to get home, though. I've Harry Potter books to read....









God, thank you for giving me friends. Thank you that they are good, kind people. Thank you, that they are safe, and will hopefully make it through their obstacles safely, as I have with mine.



 

Wild: American Girl

Today, I watched some wedding shows
painted a sunflower onto my cards
played with my dogs

ignored the silence

Fin invited me out,
and now I'm at Ben's, tumblring

in my mad hatter outfit.

My Mom's getting married in a week from today,
one week.

Today I decided that I'm not having a pity party for myself anymore
I need to let the past go,
especially if I'm to have any sort of a future.

I need to close my eyes, and hope.
 
It gets harder every time,
because I see how heavy Adult's shoulders are
you know, from living.

I am going to throw myself into life, now
stop breathing, stop resting, and live.

Maybe do the American Clubbing thing
that sounds reasonably fun
and probably dieting, dieting sounds important

prettier girls have an easier time of it
so I can fool them into thinking I am, if I'm a little thinner, maybe


oh, right.

Wild: Meteors

when the yellow-hooked moon is smiling
in the too-cold touch of night

someday

I will be sprawled on top of a
lover
my head on their chest

and I will hear
their beating heart

will be sprawled, as lovers sprawl

someday

and my love will
put
her hands to my cheeks
and tilt my face where her face looks
our eyes
meeting
the same stars, meteors

sharing the same dream

someday

and we will know,
we'll know

we'll just fucking know.

Wild:

air carries the scent of cigarette smoke,
i look up toward the road--
i wish it was your face I saw
beneath the sweating sky

Wild: the distraction I'd kill for

Something I wrote for fun today: 


The instant I glimpsed you
I desired you.
I was helpless against beauty
And helpless against curiosity.

Your smile and your voice, they sing
In my angry heart and groaning brain
They sing and sing
And I picture my fingers
In your hair
Tracing over your thin, white neck
Fingertips grazing your dark-hair.

Oh, I don’t love you.
Not even a little am I looking for love,
Not now, not how I feel right now

But you would be a good
Distraction
And you would sate my contact hunger

Isn’t that the
Important thing?

I could make you whimper, moan
I could make you
forget
the touch of men

If you lingered in my arms
forgot the moon-less sky that’s clouded
With smoke from the wild-fires.

Sate my curiosity
And I will dream you on my bed
Faery magic as I blow
Silver on your sharp-edged jaw

My love, my dear, my darling---
Please,
Be my
Distraction?

Wild: YESS

Finally, progress on the Revel Music scene--
a genre of music I literally did not figure out until ten minutes ago
from a lucky click to an old favorite I didn't know the name of
but recognized straight off--

ironically, the genre
is called
Psycho.

Wild: Damn Goodreads. Why? WHY?

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/682933.Enchanted

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10215963-stopping-time-and-old-habits

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/186437.Yarrow

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1295728.The_Quickening

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6041009-faeries-gone-wild

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12700342-the-peculiars

And all of these books became my love children. Period.

I intend to buy them--maybe with my Schuster's money, if I don't get hired before. lawgha;lhg

I want to fall in love again
with faeries, with magic, with words that mean nothing
looks that mean everything
I want to twist smoke with my fingertips,
wear dresses that're out of style---

I will not rejoin the South country's revels---
No, it's safer to buy books. 

Wild: the energetic girl

I can sleep until the sun sets
when I've seen it rise
and I could run a mile
if somebody could freeze time.

You cannot be impressed with me
for never needing sleep
I'm waiting for your voice to sound
in my silent ears.

I'm waiting for your touch, you see
to nudge me from the silent dreams
that play behind my eyelids
while I wait for life to start.

I do my duty full and well
I play my cards, obedient:
day or not is not a problem
when any hour will do.

Exuberance:
that is the price
of friendship;
one I am most willing to pay.

Wild: So over everything

I'm going to kill someone. Kill. Murder. Eliminate.
I'm three inches from killing everyone in a near-me vicinity 
fuck diabetes
fuck stress and money and life
fuck not having enough friends, fuck not being appreciated for being an individual
God Damn it
Kill

just

everyone

so
angry


so
fucking
angry

kill everyone.
murder
eliminate
immorally exterminate
I swear to god I will go Dalek on all of you
stupid, stupid pancreas
stupid, stupid insulin
stupid, stupid robots who can't say my name right

AOGT;EARWLHG;AHTG
So
pissed.


soooooo
past patience
soooo
over being nice and understanding.....


So.
Over.
Everything.