Special: forget this, self

Amin mela lle,
ho, arw'n

amin nitanwu....


Lle rangwar amin?

*

Special: Wolf

Finley bought me a Wolf necklace at Buck skinners' rendezvous. I'm a through Christian, but I identify with that Wolf. I'm wearing it as religiously as my wedding ring for that purpose, because when I'm wearing it, I feel like he were there with me... like Katie were with me.....


.- -. -.. / ... .... . / -.. --- . ... / -.-- --- ..- --..-- / - --- --- .-.-.-

But this post isn't about me. I was just thinking about it, and I like the idea of being like a Wolf again. Wild... free.. tempting. Beautiful. Offers.... an escape. If it were about me, that is, this post? 


Which it isn't.

Ién etmen äën éllówfú ámërtó níën hétën ummérsa-íghtla odáytú,
íthwú ummérsë nién erhen yëseth ndäën interwä nién ërhën ëärthë,
ïntérwó níén heten róstédfë éartha,
ósen äswén heten ämertá ëtmen ódaytë.

Érhen rëätúrëcí áswën óftsé, weetlysë éäútífulbä
ncónstäntíth sáen heten antswï foën enmen,
äén írdba icélí Ovëlá, hówén nswersäth ótnën henwé állédcï,
ndaén liesfï wayath henwé ïddenbó ybën hëten hispérwú níën úroen eártshí.

Íen énsésë óvélï, ënsesú óveló móngath hëten rëäturëcí-írdbó ndaën ámertí-riendfí
útbén hëretó sïén onën Ëäcepë órfën hëten Ëíngbï foén Óvela,
ónen, ónen ëäcepé, ónén eacepa täen lláën!
Óldlybá, nmárrëdúth, áen ïlëntsï atredha réepsca ntoith héïrtë éártshé,
hëten ëartshá hïchwa óldhé heten ïctúréspí foen éepestdí nmostith oúlsa
aën atrédhó ícéla aén irrórmï noén heten loorfa, háttëredsë
ndäen níén hëten íecespú ëwen indfë úrselvesóth,
ndäën nïén hëtén íëcespí éwen índfï úrselvesóth.

Tíen sïén éftlá ótën ëmen,
híléwó héten írdbä siën róoningcä énderté elódíesmë ótën ífëlé,
hilëwä hëtén amertë'sén ëtnén sïén wishingsé, orningmú, óónní, ndaën ightna
tíén sien ëftlé otën émen histä áydën,
oten etsen hatté írrórmä íghträ.

Ósën ívegï émen ównën hosétë hátteredsí ëlvessë,
ívëgë ëmen ównen héten únsen-truccsó lúebä foén ätteredbé, rócénbé lássgä,
Ien íllwä eártë pártath histä áydën heten úietqé ólacësï
níën háttë rócenbó irrórmó....

Amértë, ámërtá, hóën, ymén óvëlë,
eelfë héten órdswë Íen'men peacïngsa foën! 

This is my introduction of Elvish. It is not formal Quenya.... it's like the Cockney slang of all Elvish. The basic, every-day use one. I write it perfectly and speak it not at all.  Don't worry.... here's the English:


I met a fellow tamer in the summer-light today,
with summer in her eyes and winter in her heart,
winter in the frosted heart,
so was the tamer met today.

Her creature was soft, sweetly beautiful
inconstant as the wants of men,
a bird like Love, who answers not when called,
and flies away when bidden by the whisper in our hearts.

I sense love, sense love among the creature-bird and tamer-friend
but there is no Peace for the Being of Love,
no, no peace, no peace at all!
Boldly, unmarred, a silent hatred creeps into their hearts;
the hearts which hold the pictures of deepest inmost soul
a hatred like a mirror on the floor, shattered
and in the pieces we find ourselves,
and in the pieces we find ourselves.

It is left to me,
while the bird is crooning tender melodies to life,
while the tamer's net is swishing, morning, noon, and night
it is left to me this day,
to set that mirror right.

So give me now those shattered selves,
give me now the sun-struck blue of battered, broken glass;
I will tear apart this day the quiet solace
in that broken mirror....

Tamer, tamer, oh, my love,
feel the words I'm speaking of!

Special: This didn't happen

"Excuse me?"

"Can I help you, Miss? Would you like to make an appointment?"

"No, I wouldn't."

"Reschedule? Hear about some of our other programs? I'd be happy to pull some information for you...."

"No."

"....Use the phone? Bathroom? Something?" Receptionist pushes up horn-rimmed glasses.

"No."

Impatient sigh. "Then what?"

"Fuck this office, sir."

".....What?"

"Fuck it. You think I don't recognize the what's going on here? The injustice in 'Do you need to Talk?' flashing in red lights while simuntaneously screaming 'We take Checks!'? What if I do need to talk? Talk to anyone? Talk to you? You think you'd answer me? You wouldn't. You'd sit there at that stupid desk, patter-patter-patter on your keyboard, pattering away your humanity.

 Don't think I don't know that you're at this minimum-wage job for the wage and not the good of it; don't you dare accuse me of not knowing! And everywhere out there"---jab a finger at the window--"there are people, just like you, not caring... Apathetic. Their unfeeling cruelty, the worst kind in point of fact, is what pays that wallet that you spend on bad porn videos and Mcdonalds when your mother isn't hounding you for a diet.

 And you have it, too. An unfeeling world of cows, a city of imbeciles, a crown jewel in the throne of suffering. Well, I know Suffering. I know Apathy, too. So fuck this office. I'd burn it down but the thought's delicious enough on it's own. I'd punch in these poorly-built walls.... and that sign--! So Eat your McDonalds with a grimace, like we who come here, people like me and like you and that fella over there, eat your food like a grimace like we take our lives with one.

See if that makes you feel better.

See if that makes you feel human.

See if you feel like me."

The horn-rimmed glasses had slipped again, and no movement was made to retrieve them.

"....Perhaps you'd like to see the Doctor, after all," came the reply. Tears streaked the stubbed chin.

"Miss?"

But she was gone.



Staring at the carpeting, hands trembling, the receptionist turned off the sign.

Special: The half of my heart

This morning, Finley ran his fingers down my arm. Gently. And I looked at his eyes and mentally swore at Mattie Gokey (from A Northern Light) for stealing the "his eyes were the exact color of Amber--not honey, like I'd originally thought, but Amber" bit. And then I turned back and closed my eyes and felt warmth. Looked at Agador Spartacus, the dog we're watching for the weekend here.

And he said, "How did I get so lucky, Payton? How does this happen, getting to hold you like this? Why can't people appreciate..."

His voice gave a buckle and he stopped.

And I said, "I'm the lucky one, Finley. I'm the lucky one......" I nuzzled his chest. "And I love you. So, so much, I love you...."

And my voice buckled, too.

And then there was silence,
and he held me tighter,
and the world was quiet in the wake of love


at least until he left for work.

Special: Reaching

 Sometimes,
in the deadly reaches of my quiet heart,
I wish for power.

If I were to find that place
pursue it, like the hound it is
There is no secret, no doubt or hesitation;
I  know what I would find:
success.

There is an advantage to being quiet
when one is not among friends
an advantage to feeling, knowing,
the ruthless hearts of ruthless men.

I would dust the cobwebs
from the tired souls of human-kind
I would twist them, turn them
for the eternal spring made by my advantages.

There is no champion for which I could not find weakness,
not at least among those who have so relished the torture of me.
That deadliness is terryfing, and sometimes, it will not let go
because I know it's there, waiting

In the reaches of my mind,
where I let it lay--
too afraid to discard it,
too afraid to let it stay.

Special: the Haunting of Castle Malloy

So last night, Finley and I played Castle Malloy with Taylor and I. And then Katie and Finley and I played Castle Malloy, and then Katie and Taylor and I to finish off the night. Tar those horse-tile puzzles when they're unexpected, but thank goodness Katie's good at math.

Also, Katie wanted a guru last night. I wanted to, but it wasn't where my song was pulling me. Oddly, my song was pulling me towards myself, and Katie pushed a bit to have it so, I'd say.  I told her about Evil, I told her about me. A lot about me, more than I think she's taken in one sitting, at least as an overview.

And she listened. I am not used to having friends listen about me, it made me feel guilty.

And I typed up this poetically-lacking description of why I disliked myself.

I don't know what I expected, really. Words? A letter? A typed response?

I didn't expect Katie to hold me until I fell asleep as a response. A very, very kind, unexpected, and comforting repsonse that I certainly didn't expect, not at all.

I fell asleep on Katie last night. I fell asleep on my friend and when I woke up, she was still here. Sometimes even those small miracles give me wings, and today, I am flying per that score of wings.

Somehow, it doesn't even matter, what's happening today. I'm still baffled. Baffled and in love with my heart-halves, totally, completely. Happy....


Sitting alone for that happiness seems a wicked waste, but there's now way around it and I smirk at those who'd cross me.

Go ahead and try! Go ahead!

I have a Katie, a Finley, and you will not stand in my way now.

For example.

"Payton?"

"Yes?" Yes, strange boy I don't even know.

"Will you tell your fucking sister that she should just leave Michael and I the Hell alone?" I focused on him. Felt cruelty, anger, sarcasm, ''games'', like in the Roses only he makes them up himself, and a misplaced belief in his own witticisms.

Ugh.

"Oh my God, I am not your messenger! Coward! Not even having the courage to face her yourself! You think I'll carry your weed-sucking mouth-words to her? Eh?!"

People looked at me odd. I could read it on their faces: Did Payton just speak? Loudly and with purpose? Did Payton just swear?


My heart,

you give me words.

Special: Dinner with the Murley's

I woke up in Finley's arms this morning. It was warm and he'd taken off his shirt (they didn't have the air on, get your mind out of the gutter), and I was laying against him, and I could hear his heart and feel the warm breath against my face, and I was.... complete. Trouble-less and complete. Oh, oh, I didn't want to move. Wanted to keep that safety, that serenity...  And the feeling of love, deep as mine, while feeling mine, which makes it twice the love. Real, real love. I did not want to go...

But I did.

Mr. Engstrom forgave me for missing the Star Spangled banner. I explained I made bacon and slept and dance central'd and how I tried to get a hold of people and I felt so bad about it he actually laughed at me. Played Connect four, dominated.

Kept remembering Finley's arms...

So today, I hung with Kate. I was a little worried she would cancel, just because she doesn't know me that well, but she didn't. We had fun. I helped her weed (well, okay, she did most of the work while I was a jerk, made poor jokes, blathered about random personal things nervously, and built tiny utopias from the rocks on her lawn), I did her dishes, I tried really, really hard to charm her family... I think I did okay.

We played Nancy Drew. We went over me being Crazy, how Kate didn't think that anymore. Kate's also writing me a letter (no joke, I'm curious about that). I told Kate (while sitting in that pretty sun) how people tend to run away from me when I do something differently than usual, and she said, "Do I do that?" and I, without hesitation, answered, "yes, you do."

"...is that bad?"

"It hurts." I stare at a flower, feel the guilt and even willingness to make it up and then add, hopefully, "Someone needs to tell me the truth once in awhile. I do not hold it against you."

"Oh."

"Normally," I said absentmindedly, plucking a patch of clover and tossing it into the bramble, "I search my friends' souls when I'm with them." I think about that. "Especially Katie. Katie likes searching her soul, and I do, too."

She looks at me and grins, and I go on, "I'm sorry," I explain. "It's just that Finley and Katie are... I Don't mean this self-deprecatingly, and I've been working on this, but.... they're the only friends I have. I'm so lucky to have them."

"We need to work on that."

Also? At dinner I had venison and hashbrowns with green peppers and asparagus. They Murley's were very confined in their order, and it took me awhile to adjust from the laughter and bad jokes I expect from my own table. After all, their table isn't mine. Every house functions differently, and they were very... tolerant. I like Kate's Father, though. The guy is really ready to crack a sincere smile, one he feels, after he got over the handicap that his daughter is friends with somebody like me.

Betty--Can I mention her that way in this blog, or should I go with Mrs. Murley?--was polite and a hostess, but I can tell we won't be braiding each other's hair any time soon... same with Ben. Ben is very loyal to his sister, though. You can tell, and I admire that. For my part, I did not press him.

I also apologized for not knowing Dan well yet. I wanted to, I said (in truth, I would feel better for knowing him, perhaps it would help), I was just worried he wouldn't.... that he didn't... that he didn't have friends like me. I'm really worried the guy would hate me, but it's obvious he's important to Kate, and Kate.... somehow, amazingly... is my friend now.

She said she could see it going either way---Dan liking or disliking me--and then we made fun of that creeper who had a laptop in his van. We played with the Technician's handbook, too, all inside "the Final Scene", a Nancy Drew game she happened to own.

It's easy to be charmed by Kate when you're not worried she hates you. I appreciate the difference now that I notice it and accept it as truth.



All the same, my heart wrenched for Katie. I suppose that is my other handicap, isn't it?

Always worried for my friend. Because even though I really was focused on Kate, I kept thinking about how I wished things were different, that it was the three of us hanging out. That... that that was okay, you know? Accepted friendship.

Still, I had fun. But my heart is twisting for Katie....

I wonder why?

Special: Jolly Sailor Bold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neC3dZgERtQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOX3VYzzRiA&feature=related
This song caused the dark part of my soul to melt and stay melted, pooling and swirling like a storm trapped inside my eyes.

"I disdain all glittering gold..."

Special

http://www.wikihow.com/Cook-Bacon-in-the-Microwave

Because you know you don't want to fuck too much with Katie's stove top, do you now, Payton?

:ooo

Special: What I would think if Katie left (The stars of your Heart)

I thought about what would happen if she went through with leaving today. This is what came out... I haven't cried for writing in a long while.

You were giving the stars of your heart

Those which engulf the weary souls:

You were giving the stars of your heart

And yet their shine was cold for me.

Companionship, so sweet a song to taste,

My empty-hearted star, my love!

We used to sing it often from the trust inside our souls;

The lucid warmth of human flesh gave us that subtle glow,

 from closeness,

Embraced us for being alive together—

Oh, oh! The triumph of that precious life!

My soul, it would tousle your bright constellations

Gently and with tenderness,

 like a tiny child, a rose’s petals, a lover’s hand

If only to bask you in soft, soft heart-light,

As good, true friends all want to do.

Yesterday, though, my friend and dream, your stars,

 Your stars so bright, so clear

Refused to bask my heart-light,

No matter how soft, how livingly tender:

And I had no alternative

 but to feel that happen.

I put on a mask again, last sun,

Oh, so suffocating in your presence!

So heart-wrenchingly necessary!

If I cannot touch you, companion,

Why give me the stars of your heart?

Yet I will forgive you

For you fill my life with stars—

Even if it’s tolerance, now

That you don’t need my help?

But harken now, for in these words do I implore:

Blacken not my lonely nights,

Nor take my stars from me;

Pray, take not my stars from me!

Not if they are yours.

Special: Swallowing the sunlight

In these words I put my hope
I put flowers, summer fields, freedom
I put all the good feelings I can muster,
they're all for you, my love.

Swallow the Sunlight.
Be your hope.
It's waiting, it's right here,
take it! I'm giving it,
to you!

What pressure is there among true friends?

We love you,
We want to give you silver wings
so you can spread your gentle wisdom
honest truth,
those big, big eyes,
the greater self-expectation,
the inability to enjoy cleaning,
you silly,
silly
goose.

The hope you've given others
is the hope we'd give to you
if only you would take it, feel it
feel like how we feel for you
appreciate that golden heart
that heart that makes the southern sunset
a trifle, on a dirty street.

Your existance is more wonderful than
a faery revel, world-wide peace
no starving people,
funfetti cake everywhere
smiles and love, all given to you
every good wish and feeling
is surmised by a painless heart,
but also by people like you.

Swallow the sunlight, Katie
Take it now into your heart
close your eyes and breathe,
because I'll bring you nail polish
I'll do your dishes, silly goose
I have sunlight in me, too

but only, friend, when I'm with you
when I'm with you,
when I'm with you.

So now, I'm giving you happiness.
It's in here, you found it, it's right here
I want your purpose to be
to make yourself happy, not for me
but for you,
I'm giving you sunlight and dreams and wishes
I'm giving you hope and a chocolate sunday
I'm giving you firmness against that stupid, stupid
doubt that all of us have,
the doubt you let live in the special places in your heart
my wonder, my wonder, my beauty, my friend.

Don't you dare let them in to our castle of Sunlight,
those shadows who'd tear you, hurt you, degrade!
In our castle, yes, our Castle,
where angels sing young children songs
where bells hang from the ceiling,
glimmering with polished gold
from the sunlight I'm giving you,
from the sunlight that you have.

From the sunlight that you have,
it's already there.

.....Taste it.

Special: another strange dream

Schultz and Kate went to a live-theatre production of Beauty and the Beast...at least I think that's what it was. It was hard to tell, I didn't pay much attention to the show. So Schultz and Kate were there, and I was with them--we seemed to be there on purpose together, which did my heart a gladness--and...and Katie was working there. She was pulling ropes in a kind-of visible room half-covered by a red, velvet curtain...

And Kate and Katie fought.

A noticable-to-passerby fight, and Schultz and Kate exchanged looks....and then I played Switzerland. I played Switzerland and they weren't happy, but they weren't trying to kill each other.

Katie was angry at me for trying in the dream. She said, "Payton, please stop thinking you're helping me. I'm NOT fine, okay! I'm NOT! Just... just... deal with that, and move on with your life! This isn't your affair!"

Kate, though... Kate and I seemed to be very close. I made her a lot better than I made Kate by dancing with her, in round little circles, singing "Human again."

They went their seperate ways after the show,

and I woke up,

in tears.

My heart-half....


I'd only seen her that angry once, when we were in the car to Scrap of Paper.


This time she didn't come out of it, she left me with a frown
in that dream.

It's odd how we want to comfort people.... When I hold Finley, I can literally make his emotions bearable. For Katie, I want to do that, too. For most people. I've got to learn; people don't WANT that.

Still...

Special: retired diplomats

Today, mom told me we were moving
first through angry screams in a telephone,
then placidly, the anger under-skinned
as the plastic slipped her hands.

I felt the familiar cringe to mend
the knowledge pop's a stable man
who's held us up when we didn't have money.

"Where do you want to move, Payt?
I don't do anything right, Payt. ('I'm right.')
What do I do, Payt? What do I do!?"

I need a friend
I need a comforting person
I need a heart-half,
maybe a Schultz-hero
someone, though, please

don't make me go home
after school today,
do not make me play
the diplomatic board again...

Special: ''Your Future, your Budget!'' Project (Economics)

I'm going to start by gathering my starting information here. It'll be easier to access than having to download Citrix everywhere, ever. :/ Hopefully....

Here's how I'll do this. I'll start by organizing tabs and go from there.

To start, some general information:
http://www.kiplinger.com/columns/starting/archive/2007/st0404.htm

http://www1.salary.com/Museum-Curator-Higher-Ed-Salary.html

+Housing

http://www.bestplaces.net/city/wi/monona#

*Utilities

http://www.city-data.com/city/Monona-Wisconsin.html

-Gas

-Electric

-phone

-Total:

Groceries
http://www.personalfinanceanalyst.com/the-average-cost-of-groceries-per-person-best-guesses/

Insurance

http://www.personalfinanceanalyst.com/the-average-cost-of-groceries-per-person-best-guesses/

Savings (Account at Bank)

*Figure out personal income prior to this!!!

Clothes

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081212201442AAvgRJ2

Gas

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Average_cost_of_gas_for_you_car_each_month_lets_say_on_a_national_standard

http://www.worldofstock.com/stock_photos/TRC3872.php


Fun



Total Expenses



Difference:

Special

Sometimes, the worst poison we have to ourselves
is to know the inevitability of an action and ignore it
to do the thing behind that certainty, despite our fear,
mistaking a lack of caution for courage
and suffering for it all the while.


Half the heart....

Special: featuring Anna Akhmatova

.....This reminds me of Finley so much...

THE GUEST

All’s as it was: the snowstorm’s

fine flakes wet the window pane,

and I myself am not new-born,

but a man came to me today.

I asked: ‘What do you seek?’

He said: ‘To be with you in hell’.

I laughed: ‘Ah, unfortunately,

no: perhaps you wish me ill.’

But, his dry hand touched

a petal with a light caress:

‘Tell me, how they kiss you,

Tell me, how you kiss.’

And his eyes, dully gazing,

never lifted from my ring.

not a single muscle shifting

beneath that evil-glistening.

O, I know: to know passionately

and intensely is his delight

there’s nothing that he needs,

nothing I can deny.

Special: Dancing with poison; HELP ME

Saturday. In less than six hours, I'll be helping my friend, the Hannah-Nathan, the Nathan-Hannah. Finley and I recently watched Red and Mrs. Doubtfire with barely a mishap, and earlier on in the day at that. Red was funny; restless retirees of the CIA bringing on the ''old days''...it reminded me of the Roses, but in the good way...the challenging way... the 'could I do this?' way.

Katie's having a Party tomorrow. I'm capitalizing Party because it is not a shinny of fun-loving idiots being defeated by video games and drinking caffeine. Instead, Party is people drinking. A lot of drinking. And poor choices. And Katie's a year underage. And Brad's done with college and has injured Hannah with that break-up of theirs, my dear Hannah.

And.... And.... Oh, I have no right to worry....

But I'm terrified of this Party. Why?

HERE'S why:

"Why do I drink? To "forget" about my problems. To fit in socially in the wrong ways. It's an excuse to act on anything and everything. To let go of myself, especially when I'm busy hating me."

"No, I don't need to drink to feel better
No, that drink just makes me stupid
No, drinking can't be my excuse anymore"

But also:

"And you know what? I'm not drinking. Hahaha!"

And:

"...Taking care of me...
And singing like she does.
She's Cinderella
Beautiful, sweet, caring, and has a voice that fits...
She was one her hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor
Something I only see in Disney movies

Payton is a living breathing Disney Princess
And I am just another person who complains
And makes it about myself...."


Katie, you're the older Sister I always wanted Randi to be. But right now, I want to be the whiny little sister, I want to be the smart ass that points out you're breaking a promise you made yourself. I fucking love you, got it? And you...you shouldn't be doing this.

And yes, if you read this, you're right, naturally.

I can't stop you. It's your choice, your life. You can even be angry at me if you want.

But Katie...

I didn't want to touch your kitchen after that, and I wanted to apologize. It is not your Kitchen's fault that you drink and that bothers me, and it isn't yours for doing it...it's mine, for not telling you it bothers me.

It does, Katie. I'm sorry, but it does. I won't let you do this to yourself until you're legal, I won't let you break this promise to yourself, unless you are willing to knowingly confront the expectation of that choice. If you do it after that.... I will regret for you... but at least I can move on from that. I can't move on from knowing I didn't do anything when you're about to make a poor choice.

I wanted to bitch and scream at you when you picked up that glass, Katie. I did. I wanted to remind you how many times you'd told yourself No, wanted to remind you how much that word meant. I didn't. I swallowed my bile and stared at the baseboard I haven't scrubbed yet, the untouched dishes...

But it does, Katie! Damn it, it does matter! Maybe I'm being a drama whore! Fine! Maybe I'm throwing a fit where there shouldn't be one, but you must realize the only arguments I have here are one I've read, DIRECTLY, from you.... or felt from you. Maybe both.

Please.... please don't drink. Go, fine. Of course, it's a Party and you're young, you're going, you're hip and lively. I understand that and admire that. But please.... don't... don't join them. Keep your promise to yourself, Katie. Please.

Hang out with someone else. Someone who won't drink. Not me... you're probably angry at me for this... but...You Pray for strength every night. You wish for will power and the ability to back out and act on bad situations. You're my hero. You're good and strong, and just.

So don't fuck up another promise to yourself. Don't you dare.

Once, in your blog, you wrote you wanted a Guardian Angel.

I am taking that position for tonight, and if necessary, after this.

If you love me at all?





Don't drink.




"...Next time we're out and about it'll be about her.
Well do dinner and music she likes
We'll color and dance like loons
And laugh like it's the best day ever...."

Special: A Princess' Ball

Last night, I had a dream.

It was horrible in its loveliness,

Precious for its scarcity,

Ghastly sweet.

To begin, there was a party

A ball, one glittering with chandeliers, candles

An Anastasian paradise,

The gleaming white ballroom pristine.

And the people!

Polished society at its finest

Meandered through the crowd

Smiling, nodding in mute recognition

That prestige had brought them.

Men in tuxedos, silken ties,

Arm-wrestling men-folk from romance novels

They knock back oysters, whisky, wishes--

And with their eyes, the lovely women.

Women in gowns of every era,

Some covered with crystals,

Some plain in their garb;

And all in breathtaking jewelry.

Katie’s there,

She’s beautiful.

Clad in a dress-shirt

One the color of Finley’s eyes,

The breath-catching blue,

The blue of a true sapphire mixed with dreams.

Moonstones,

Rimmed in Celtic-patterned gold

Hang from Her ears,

Her wrists, her slender neck…

The dress, in back,

Is tied with a gold ribbon,

Tied down the low-cut back,

As though to hold it together.

Her feet are bare,

--that red, red hair--!

She smiles,

It gives the dream-me breath

Hope, love;

Purpose.

As for me, I’m in a magic dress

Woven from catches of Caribbean water,

The waves shimmering over the fabric;

Clashing with my goddess-gold skin—

My hair has streaks of sunlight,

Like I’d swallowed it…

I’m still wearing

Finley’s ring.

I do not know the faces

Assembled in this crowd

 So I head for my Wizard-friend,

The siren-calling beauty brighter than the rest.

As soon as I take that barefoot step

On the off-white tiles

Towards her, though?

A fanfare sounds,

Murmurs ripple through the crowd.

‘The Princess is coming!

The Princess is coming!’

And from the double doors,

(Ornate as ever, of polished ebony)

Another woman came,

Almost as beautiful as Katie.

She glides inside,

And I gasp at her dress:

The top a wicked corset,

Striped with royal purple, blood red

Tied together with black ribbon

The bottom of

A swishing black lace,

Making the white face

Look paler.

A lock of curled black hair swept from her face—

Kate!

Dream-me does not register this,

She—me—walks to Katie,

Offers my hand to dance with her---

Katie see Kate, goes to her….

Kate extends her hand—it’s accepted—

They dance.

They dance, they dance!

Some dances after, me still smiling,

Katie goes to get some sun-wine

And the Princess comes to me.

She smirks, takes my hand,

Kisses it.

“Ah, Payton,” dream-Kate chides,

“Did you really think she’d dance with you

When she had me?”

I wake up, past my ringing alarm,

Nearly late for school.

If it wasn’t real….

Why, then, does this hurt?

Special: The Ruler of The Kingdom (part of a wierd dream which was cool)

The Kingdom's monarchy was unprecedented, disreputable, and savage. Every ruler had to run in The Game for control of The Kingdom, must prove his or her embodiment of his or her Dominating Trait. In the end, the ruler of The Game would win the Kingdom and rule until his or her own death, upon which a new Game would be held.

The time had come. The King of The Kingdom had been stabbed in the night; no one knew why or who, or even if he had done it himself, but it had been done, and the King was dead, and it was to the new Players to run for ruler of the Kingdom.

They had come from reaches of The Kingdom near and far, had presented their reasons for Playing, and the City of the Kingdom, whispers spread of their grave and powerful talents....

Special: a calving Glacier

Sometimes, when Glaciers
-- those solid, ancient, sheets of blue-green ice--
die, they die slowly.
They fall to pieces on the edges,
drop them into the sea,
discarding their troubles.

I think the world
would be a lot easier
if people could do that, too;
could throw their troubles deep into the heart of the ocean,

let them falter harmlessly.

Yesterday my heart hurt.
People were hurt and I was hurt, and scared, and helpless
I wanted to talk to my friends at Play, but they were in pain from each other again
they were in pain from each other again
so I walked their line.
But for me, there came a friend
I had a friend after the worst had calved from me,
I had a friend


And this morning, I had a big smile on my face, cleaning didn't seem quite so annoyingly repetitive, and I felt...

Warm...happy...safe.


Warm....happy....safe.


My friend...
I needed you and you came.
I can't get over this,
I yelled at you, sent nasty text messages,
yet you forgave and comforted me.

The act of kindness boggles my mind,
and I will hold it in my heart.







Troubles, by your smile.... are calved, for me.

Special

The play opened tonight on me, a girl pre-occupied with kisses and fantasy and magic and love.

It was wonderful. We fucked up but we recovered. We learned from each other, we matured, and we were at a good place. Hardly any issues with interrogation. Ate everything--BUT Olives. Apparently Kate's family has heard about me. Schultz was very proud of me, and got over the War General to be more of a mother hen. That made me happy for her. While she whirlwinded about the greenroom while other people stuffed their faces with Murl-food, I sat inside the greenroom, pretended to read a book, and focused on projecting my energy as far into the room as possible... a game of Hearts trick. And she was happier. It wasn't me, but I tried.

Also, I prayed to God for a great show...and then we had REAL RAIN! REAL! During the right time that even stopped when it was supposed to! Oh, God...

And then I danced. I danced crazily, did the gypsy, did the Payton-magic, moved, moved, was free. And the others gaped--they laughed, yes, but a sort of awe in their eyes while they did--they were impressed with the wild, crazy Payton--and I did not cover up, not even a little bit, not even at all.

No masks tonight.

I don't want to forget this. I don't want it to end.


Oh, man...

Special: A game of Hearts

How this works:
Old tab-recycled, this tab is applicable for today but has already been taken
Old tab*- action remains needed
New tab-new tab, this issue/compliant is new today (or has been unnoticed until now)
New tab*-action needed, opinion stated, etc.
[Switzerland]...[Anything in these]-a group of tabs is labeled by those brackets. Watch for them.
Must begin with: ==___'s Hand==
Must end with: ==That's the Deck!==
Must end with: {Number of Tabs:__}

MOST REASONABLE TABS WINS! ('Nathan was wearing a Black blazer today' would not be a reasonable tab unless heavily modified and with purpose)
==My Hand==
Tab: Katie reasonably happy today. Even skipping, smiling, might even mean it a little. Yessss!
Old Tab*: Kate unsure of Katie.
New tab: [Switzerland] Katie's possibly-considered overly-affectionate actions towards Kate are causing discomfort. Mirror those actions personally (but on a slightly lesser degree) in order to secure the stability of their happily-budding friendship. Kate will consider Katie slightly ''infatuated'' (but mending) and Katie can act how she wants without worrying about offending Kate with what is normal friendship behavior for her.
New tab: Nathan Kozak getting used to me!!!!! Held hand without complaint, genuine smile, laughed at my jokes. *Boner (address?)
New tab: Valerie is nervous as fuck. Flitty eyes and clippy movements, overly apologetic, fidgeting constantly.
New tab: Aww, Jane! Way to comfort Valerie. I saw it and I appreciated it. Way to look after your own, honey.
New tab: Hannah Engstrom worried about possibly needing to defend her father. She hasn't yet (won't, more like than not unless some shit really goes down) but is attuned to it. Worried about how she is compared in comparison to Mr. E. Is it bad to be compared to him? Good?
Old tab*: Schultz is really being very nice about trying to give Hannah her own voice, and the cast is mostly doing their best to follow the example of her leadership.
Old tab*: [Switzerland] Reinforce this. Both could use the help.
Old tab*: Schultz is ready to blow a gasket, and why shouldn't she, with this much to do? Do whatever possible to lower her stress level, help however possible.
New tab: Hannah is a younger version of "Schultz" in some ways. Stress starting to affect her; snappy, less eager to laugh or please, withdrawn, distracted.
Old tab*: Jacob feels very anonymous as a Stage Manager. Although he's happy, he appreciates when people talk to him. Visit him more often.
New tab*: Morgan is really apprehensive about this new group of people. Help her through it (delicately) when needed until she gets used to this whirlwind of awesome.
New tab*: Regarding previous: pointed by KT--especially without April. Is Morgan trying to fit in by being an "air-head"? Mm. Needs further study.
Old-ish tab*: [Switzerland] Comfort new-comers to the new environment.
New tab: Mm. Kellie's been upset and now she's gone. ''Sick''? Bullshit. Nothing can be done for Kellie; it isn't a Payton she needs. Try best to make her smile and laugh unless (unlikely) she comes to you.
Old tab*: Conner's responsibility is drooping his shoulders and keeping his eyes on the ground. Conner tries to smile (especially around Dominic in order to make Dominic think that he and Schultz are ''happy'' with him, a detail I appreciate even his subconscious recognizing) but it never reaches those eyes. Conner's ''Roy'' is much better when especially affected by being Assistant Director.
New tab: Previous especially bad today. If all Schultz wants sometimes (according to JTF) is appreciation, Conner needs to be told I appreciate the knowledge I have garnered his actions (and that I've noticed that effort more than he thinks or gives himself credit for). Note: Done.
Old tab*: Help Dominic in any way. This show will be a blow for him if he doesn't have the support he needs and deserves as ''head of the show'' in a way.
New tab: 10-4, Previous. *Dominic's Beard: help (?), Run lines with Dominic (?), make Dominic laugh (!!!) and smile. We love him, he's our precious baby...and he's growing up... :(
New tab*: Keep an eye on Schultz. She'd never let you help her, Payton, but you need to keep an eye anyway. This is her last show and with your help especially it could be fucking awesome.
New tab: Whoa, Chali. You're really good at acting.... off-stage and on.
New tab: It's okay, Nathan. Sheesh.
New tab*: You're glancing nervously, Kate. Why nervou--Oh, just kidding. It's late, isn't it?
Old tab: Lee having emotional difficulties.
New tab: Lee and Jenny terrible for each other but playing stupidly with love like we all (stupidly, did I mention stupidly?) do in High school. They are not going to last. Currently, Lee is trying to remain with the butterflies while fighting to stay with Jenny. Jenny is fighting off his affections while really wanting them to come forward like in the crappy ABC family romantic comedies.
New tab: [Needed] *Help when you can in the case of Lee and Jenny. I think we'll get more trouble from Jenny (who hits) than Lee (who gets the bruises), but I think that both are too stuck in their roles for a mature relationship. Jenny needs to address her self-confidence issues more severely before striking in order to make herself feel better about who she is right now, and Lee needs to fight back more when he's hit.
New tab: Oh, Finley. You hurt and I know it, I can feel it right here in the fucking middle of rehearsal, and I can't do anything. This time it isn't a Payton you need....
Old tab:*[Needed] Molly on verge of breakdown. Leave her alone and let her do her thing.
New tab: Brad!!! You're a great Halo player! Glad Finley held his own, though.
New tab: Dani, keep an eye on what you laugh at. Schultz isn't always amused by your well-meant tomfoolery.
New tab: Taylor of the backstage, I understand your job is difficult, but don't take it out on us unless we really deserve it. Having Schultz address us regarding the backstage crew to get your boyfriend's attention back is really immature.
New tab: Schultz didn't see through that? Mm. Maybe there's a little more to that, but the above supplied more than a needed motivation. I guess she can't guess *everything*...
New tab: Sam!! So adorable! Good-hearted but mis-guided with A LOT of self-esteem issues WAY worse than the average girl.
New tab*: Watch out for that one. She might need a Payton soon.
New tab*: What's this? Katie and my mom are friends? Fuck yes, people. Confetti to all involved.
New tab*: Watch for Emily, she feels left out and even ignored. That makes her even more nervous than she already is.
New tab*: Huh. Payton lied to Schultz about why you were late to that entrance.... Is that because you don't want Schultz to know?
New tab*: Wow. Ah, that is.... [Needed]: Payton does not think Schultz knows of (or would care about) her ''ability to play Hearts''.
New tab*: Mm. What is it with Payton wanting to touch people today? Why does her heart flummox when they smile when she touches them--she expects revulsion(?).
New tab*: Especially Katie. Why is Payton so happy when she touches Katie? It isn't a Sexual thing or even a romantic pursuit thing, obviously. That's creepy for the others, and probably her, to boot. Find a way to address and dim that severely.
Old tab*: Watch Johnny. Poor boy's ready to explode from a lack of appreciation, being stepped on A LOT more than I think he cares to admit, and so on. 

{Number of Tabs: 44}
==That's the Deck!==

==Katie's Hand==

Special: Volcano heart

SO MANY PEOPLE ARE HURT AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO,
NOTHING I CAN DO
STRESS EVERYWHERE, IT BUILDS UP AND UP AND UP
NOTHING I CAN DO, NOTHING I CAN DO
FUCK YOU SWITZERLAND, GOD-DAMN YOU
YOU'RE USELESS IN THE FACE OF TEARS
USELESS NEXT TO STRESS AND PANIC ATTACK
THE FEARS OF OTHERS BUILD AND BUILD
HELPLESS,
HELPLESS,
HELPLESS

I HATE THIS.

I'M EXPLODING, EYES ARE SCREAMING
BUT I'LL SMILE, RUB YOUR BACK AND HUG YOU
SO YOU CAN RUN AWAY FROM ME WHEN YOU BURST INTO TEARS
MARVELOUS
USELESS PAYTON, USELESS PAYTON!
PAIN IS LAUGHING IN YOUR FACE
SCREAM ALL YOU WANT AND PITCH A FIT,
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
NOTHING YOU CAN DO

BLOW UP,
SEE IF THEY CARE
THEY'LL GOSSIP AND THEY'LL LAUGH ABOUT IT





LET ME HELP YOU
BECAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME
LET ME HELP YOU PLEASE
'CUZ I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME

I DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING 'SIDES THOSE CRACKERS
THAT BIT OF CRAB AND A SIP I STOLE OF YOUR SUNKIST
FUCK IT, I KNOW YOU'RE HURTING!
I KNOW YOU ARE!
KATE IS TOO! SO IS SCHULTZ! HANNAH! CONNER! DOMINIC! JOHNNY! OTHER HANNAH! JENNY! LEE! MORGAN! APRIL! JACOB! BEN! MAMA!

EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'M BLOWING UP AND FUCK YOU ALL
BECAUSE YOU WON'T ANSWER MY SMILES
LET ME HOLD YOU AND TELL YOU IT'LL BE OKAY
NOT EVEN MY KATIE, MY FINLEY
NOT EVEN YOU!
NOT EVEN MY OWN HEART!

THE LAVA'S OVERFLOWING
SET TO BURST AND OVERFLOWING, AND YOU'LL NOT LIFT A FINGER
NOT LIFT A FINGER TO PLUG THE LEAK
BECAUSE I WANT TO HELP YOU!


PLEASE!

(cuz next time i won't be able to stop it from blowing......)