"I am not God. How dare I complain of Angels?"
A destroyed room for insulin-searching means a sleepless night so I can even see Finley. Of course I managed to avoid the big, dramatic "aah, you're old enough to clean your own room!" speech, but the inevitable thing is, I can do this now and save myself grief later, or I can not do it now, sleep like I desperately want to in my nice, warm bed, and lose all freedom later. Freedom is good. Freedom means time with friends, when they're nice enough to have me. Freedom means taking naps in Finley's arms.
Freedom means working on the novels I never quite seem to finish unless hit with that burst of clever imagination. Freedom means exploring. Even when there isn't anything fun to explore I don't already know about. I'm really writing this to keep me away from my room, which isn't my fault its cleanliness had to be destroyed so thoroughly. What else?
Director has always told me, in our rare moments when we aren't totally stuck to the "roles" given us (even if I attempt to avoid them entirely, no fruit is borne) that I remind her of her when she was an awkward adolescent. I've known for years she hates herself, but never really put two and two together. Doesn't that mean she hates me? Oh, right, silly. That only means she's been lying to me. No, she's much more reminded of herself by Molly Ebel, and I know that, which is why I'm so pissed she gets every advantage, this stuffy little sophomore who pretends a big smiling face when there's someone of influence around and manipulates the "oh poor me, I'm so unpretty" angle.
Most of which is untrue, I might add. Anyone in our circle finding intolerance of Molly would strike that individual to the ground, as they would for me. That and of the seven Winter Break parties, no one has yet invited me to any one. Even Finley's been invited. How is that fair, precisely? Unlike my love for Secret-keeper, most people don't appreciate or even understand the depth of my affection for them. My total devotion to any friendship we may have, ever. They hit me when I say, "I really feel lonely sometimes", but when they have a party, I don't even make the list. You will doubtless be amused to point out the hypocrisy.
I am not.
In other news, Secret-keeper has been dealt another un-needed blow to her already-stressful life. There's so little I can do, and I want to. Does she know that? Is it enough? She needs someone to love her. Someone to really love her.
Had lunch with Secret-keeper's poison today. The infamous KM/Elephant keeper. Elephant Keeper, who I would like to strangle, forbearing even SK's pleas/warnings against, I smiled at, made polite conversation with, kept entertained with Arby's stories. Two people I no longer trust in a room, oh squee. She is very easily distracted, that poison. It's funny but I can imagine them together, you know. Not creepily? But... you know.. imagine the look of love I'm sure that bitch could've pulled off from the countless lead-role opportunities she's been unfairly granted.
Of course Director would whine about my unfairness here. I am not God, how dare I complain of angels? I can hear it now. But really it's more always the same person, thank you. I wouldn't be so angry that she involved new people if she even vaguely tried to give everyone the same chance. She can also can it about preparing us for the real world, because I want one chance to be the big star and then I am done. I'll go back to fading quietly into the background. That's what I'm good at, isn't it? Fading.
I don't want to hurt her. I understand her job is difficult as a Director. I'm just tired of people I look up to stabbing me in the back without even (a) noticing or (b) caring. It's a lot like Choir. Choir really likes to pick the same cast, over and over and over again, and when somebody graduates, a new person is selected. Oh, unless if, say, they're blood-relations, their parents have given him money, or he has total favoritism. Seriously? Way over-milking the favoritism teat. And then on those rare lucid moments where he realizes I do have talent, he sends me to some musical festival because he really does like me. I'm just... fatter, less attractive than the other potential prospects.
It's funny how similar Choir and Director are. Both of them are fond of me, both cordially dislikes the other, they fight like a divorced couple (believe me, I should know), and neither of them give opportunities to the correct people. "Why didn't you have a problem with so-and-so?" is their question when I point out the obvious. I don't have a problem with the people that *fit* the role. I have a problem with people in which other factors, very obviously, have a hand. For example. Choir's daughter? Yeah. Second musical ever. LEAD ROLE. Chorus? I was fine. If she were a senior, even, and there was not somebody better suited to the part, I would have given over. LEAD ROLE? Fuck no. Another example, so I'm not jaded: Director casting Ms. Kilroy IN A LEAD ROLE for her second play, ever. She is NOT ready for EVEN an understudy. And when asked why a sophomore with surprising little experience (considering I, myself, have seen her audition after reading the script and considering that I was the worst casting, let me just point that out), I was told that anyone who had a problem with Ms. Kilroy "could shut their mouths".
Right, because clearly, that's a completely sound explanation. I don't care if I'm owed it or not. I am an actress in a technical troupe. I have feelings. I ask something, and then she treats me like a publicity report on someone knocking down an orphanage for a strip mall. What am I going to do with this information, exactly? Sell it to the Times? "GIRL CAST UNFAIRLY IN SMALL BIGOTED TOWN'S HIGH-SCHOOL PLAY"? I trust her with everything. If she asked it I would lay down my life for her, really lay it on the line. If I remind her of herself that much, why doesn't she trust me? Especially when I do her? She's trusted me with other things, Director has.
I just want to be involved, guys. I know you, being Gods in your own rights of different Kingdoms, are too mighty and powerful (in addition to vain self-loathing) to realize this, but I am lonely. I cry myself to sleep most nights because while other people my age have fun little gatherings, all my efforts to join or even make my own fail, without even an 'epically' attached. Choir and director are surrounded by people that they could talk to who would be their friends, and they won't give me a line, they yell at me when I get upset, and don't cast me when someone else talks to me, realizes wrong has been done me (even after I defend the pair scrupulously, even someone who has worked with either or both of them), and complains.
Rejection from people who know you have talent? Yeah. Means you're imagining the talent. They will tell you different. Why? Because they don't care about you. They do care about the lawsuits and the job they could lose in this shitty economy. If they do care, it is tiny, and it is the exact same amount as the other students. I wonder if secretly teachers hate us for having to like us?
Ms. Hall doesn't. But of course, I can't try and make a friend. Because every time I try and make friends with one of my teachers, they take it in some wrong way, somewhere, and then I'm just annoying. An annoying, naive little kid who wants a friend more than a passing grade (or a passing grade more than a friend, depending on the teacher in question). That's all I'm seen as. Even from people I love.
I get nothing for my unwaivering faith and trust in these people. Nothing at all. I wonder if they know how much that hurts me.
I wonder if they care.
No comments:
Post a Comment