Kate got a letter very unlike the one I wrote yesterday, because I was too stupid to study her movements first. She was already hurt and I meant to help, and instead I think I've made it worse. I can't know, can I? She doesn't trust me. And why would she? For all intents, she takes my life as a lie. Who trusts liars, especially those with good intentions?
She's been a liar with good intentions before, after all. That makes me a reflection of her, maybe? And if I'm a reflection of her, then she doesn't trust herself at all, and who didn't know that? My heart's starting to hurt for her, in spite of what I know she's done--and not only to Katie. To herself, too. I tried to give her what made Katie happy, because I thought it might make Kate happy, too, since they were in love once, and it didn't work. I did nothing.
I am insignificant to her entirely, in point of fact. A reticence who cannot be trusted makes nice with a letter that confuses and twists and now I can't even offer a hug without her fear, not after this. This is what I get for writing an honest letter. This is what I get for showing myself. Rejection.
I wonder if I brought it on myself. Too much happiness at once. Too many people who know I'm not the freak they've always thought I was. I'm up to two, after all. Two whole people to trust and love. Three might be too many. Three might be greedy or rash, even with the best meanings behind the action.
I really hope that's not true. I want to help her. I do. I love her, and I hate that I can't. Are those sentences a broken record, yet? I'll move on.
Found a conversation between myself and Stephanie today.
Here it is:
that what?
....I just need to talk to him. That's all. *Sighs* I just need to feel safe...just for a minute...
can not i make you feel safe?
It isn't that... It's more like...
Have you ever been yourself around people, but not really? A facade--a mask? And the mask...it's a monster, and there are so many voices to listen to...so many endless pulls and tugs and headaches from being that Elia--Mask... living... being... watching...
Oh, God. Constantly watching.. And then you breathe...and you are given wings to open; and the shackles are smashed...
He lets you out. You're cool with a fever, you're flying while falling, and he'll pull you up if you fall over... safe...
It's.... it's overwhelming again, Stephanie.
Have you ever been yourself around people, but not really? A facade--a mask? And the mask...it's a monster, and there are so many voices to listen to...so many endless pulls and tugs and headaches from being that Elia--Mask... living... being... watching...
Oh, God. Constantly watching.. And then you breathe...and you are given wings to open; and the shackles are smashed...
He lets you out. You're cool with a fever, you're flying while falling, and he'll pull you up if you fall over... safe...
It's.... it's overwhelming again, Stephanie.
Payton Thompson January 17, 2010 at 9:57pm
And he's the only one that can do that. Everyone else... They... they can't. Most of them don't even want to. Today... it was a... a bad day with me being Eli--Wearing the mask. You see?
I'm going to find you a quote. It is from one of the most amazing people i know. Give me a second to find it.
"Martin was not an optimist; he was a prisoner of hope." Optimism is about assuming there's evidence that justifies your outlook while hope is about creating the evidence and procuring your own happiness or vision of the world.
It is one of my favorite quotes, and I hope it can help you as it has me.
It is one of my favorite quotes, and I hope it can help you as it has me.
No.
I appreciate the sentiment, dear--but no. This is something that even you won't be able to get.
Not this time.
I appreciate the sentiment, dear--but no. This is something that even you won't be able to get.
Not this time.
You underestimate me, but fine, if you want to stay in your mood all night, i'm not going to try to get you out of it.
It isn't a question of underexpectation. I don't need a solution. I just need some help. I just need someone to not need to know or expect anything of me. I just need someone to know without knowing what I've had to do... have done... will do.
And that person...
is him. But hey. That's fine. I'll stay in my un-declared, un-chosen mood all night.
I hope it's okay with you that when I'm upset, I stay that way for more than three minutes. It doesn't matter. I'm still here for you; that's the important thing to me anyway. I'm being selfish by wanting to break off and stop crying. Silly, irresponsible, stupid El!
How're you?
And that person...
is him. But hey. That's fine. I'll stay in my un-declared, un-chosen mood all night.
I hope it's okay with you that when I'm upset, I stay that way for more than three minutes. It doesn't matter. I'm still here for you; that's the important thing to me anyway. I'm being selfish by wanting to break off and stop crying. Silly, irresponsible, stupid El!
How're you?
Stephanie needed to be independent while exactly what she feared she was. She needed to balance what she wanted with what she hated to make what she was as a person. I tried to help, and when she didn't need me any more, she threw me away like garbage. That hurt and no one knows and it doesn't matter.
"He wants to hang out, and he dangles himself in front of me.. I can't be friends with someone I'm in love with... :("
Maybe she's getting advice from the wrong person.
In other news, Taylor got herself in trouble again because she hates herself--AGAIN--and I have to clean it up. Again. I have to clean it up and not only that, but my mom AND Taylor blame me for it. And I'm like, 'What do you want from me? What do I do that's so horrible?', and they both have plenty of answers for it. Another person I can't help. Just keep breaking my heart, guys. Good job on that.
When it comes to the play, at least, it's feasible to hope all goes well...
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