Wild:

I went to a play tonight.

It wasn't very good, but I could sense and feel the effort
the love behind it
and it still was abysmal
I wanted to fucking hit that woman's face
and her prissy daughter,
so unlike the nice children in my house

kill.

Channeling, if you know what that means,
Channeling so much emotion--they knew Schultz was there, they knew it, don't ask me how--
anger, sadness, regret, so many things
and I was overwhelmed
and anger coiled in me like a snake
and no one noticed.

And we went to the pinecone
Schultz, Conner, Katie L, Katie G, John Collins, Rachel Braun, April Schultz
and we sat there and ranted
and we talked and God, I missed them, I missed everyone
I was so unsteady from their hearts, so overcome by just being able to talk to someone--

I only talk to two people in the world.
Do you have any idea what that's like?
Two people answer my voice when it sounds.

And we left, and I was holding the Fox for Schultz
as everyone hugged one another, loved one another, too-tight good-byes;
and Katie--Leona--said; "You'll have to give that back, you know, you can't hoard him"
and I said, "shh. maybe she won't notice."

And Schultz turned to us with questioning eyebrows--they've been talking about me, I realize, I can see it in their faces--and Katie said, "She's hoarding the Fox."

I had not been hugged.

Not too closely, because things I do have a tendency to be taken the wrong way, but I hugged her and she hugged me and it was all I could do to not cry.

I held out the fox with a last kiss on his little orange ears, gingerly (yes it's a pun hahaha) to Schultz and said my softest, "Goodbye," my human goodbye, the one I was feeling right then--

Because I'll never be a Rose again. That was it. This week I lost everything; my love, my home-stage, my friends, my seniors, my crown, my powers, all--

and she didn't take him from me.

She said, "Keep him for me?" And without objecting, my eyes screamed the tears I wasn't crying and I clung to him like it was air and I were suffocating....

Oh, like I were.

I am suffocating. Everybody knows it, why not tell?

And Katie, gently; "He needs a new outfit. Something for Summer."

Schultz, "A raincoat maybe."

I would make him a wardrobe if I had the time. That's what I'm doing tomorrow; so help me God.

I said nothing. I held him close to me, and Schultz kept going with questions she meant to be gentle and kindly:
"You'll take good care of him?" I huddle to the little porcelain fox, shaking--not from cold--hoping they don't all forget me again, because I couldn't bare that, not now, not right now, please God not again, and nod. "And feed him often. And keep in touch, update me?" On the plans. For his outfit.

Another nod, the weakest smile I can give.

And Katie laughed and ran with the people she missed too and I wish she had stayed with me because alone was like an ache in the set wall that fell and I was so empty.

God, I'd lost it all. I'd lost everything except for a blind devotion from a man who refuses to see any flaw in me, however minimal; who I will make happy always because what else can I do? Who am I to deny someone's happiness?

I don't have the will to walk away like she did; I just don't.

And I got in the car and I hugged him to me and Finley--sweet, oblivious, devoted Finley--was talking to me about this and that and I burst into tears.

Shock on his face. Shit. Had he done something wrong?

"Oh Pay, Baby," he said, and I felt sick and nuzzled my Fox, my Fox, the Fox who wasn't leaving--the Fox in my bed now--"What is it? What's wrong?"

"I don't want them to go," I sobbed, huge sobs, all the sobs I'd not shed over Katie and the Roses and losing my Crown and the Tumblr that changed its name to "long live the moon" in case I come back and the Poem I wrote but couldn't post--all of it--I sobbed it then; "They go and they forget me they forget to answer me and I don't care but I feel it--God, Finley, I felt it all--I channeled all night just like Jazz Di Pasta and I wanted to kill that fucking woman and I couldn't--I just couldn't--" I stop for a breath; a first pause as I weep, "Please just take me home I don't want to be alone just take me anywhere and Katie," I sob, "Kept looking at me like she were expecting me to stare and I miss them and they forget me and I talk to two people--two people--and now I'm losing one and Schultz was so heartbroken and I'm dying, I'm dying Finley I'm dying I can't watch this happen and I'll be whatever they want me to be--I'll say whatever they want me to say--I would've stood out there all night I don't care how cold it was and I don't want them to go," I finish, sobbing so hard my shoulders shake, tears onto his little porcelain face;

nuzzling against him like this were the Golden Compass and he were my Daemon, like I'd never let him go.

I kept repeating those things in different ways but I was angry now and anger overcame me from those people and when it left me I felt sick, and empty, and sad and hurt and all I want is Katie, all I want is Schultz or Hannah Nathan to be here with me. I want someone who understands how I feel, who can make me feel human.

I felt Finley,  then.

I'm supposed to tell you, non-real people, that I'm not always right when I "feel" people, that they aren't books to be read, that I'm human.

That's true.

I felt Finley, then.

And he was sad and I set myself aside--human Payton had no need for pettiness, no need for scrumptious emotional scandal--and I said, in a completely normal voice, "I'm going to bed now." He blinks twice.

"You're all right?" He asks, sheepish at tears like the best of men are.

"Perfectly fine," I purred. "Just a little distraught. I apologize; it won't happen again."

I'm "Flawless" and he believes me and when I let down my hair in the mirror?

I had Alex Kingston curls. Real, honest-to-goodness Alex Kingston curls on my head from the knot I had had on my head.

Jesus God, they are beautiful--

But there's no one here to see it except for my Fox.


Finley promises he'll talk me to Schultz, that I'll see her soon, that surely she will not forget me, that surely she cares, like she were a talisman.

Wrong, Finley. I have the talisman here, covered in my silly girl tears. My poor James; how silly you must think me.



I want to see her anyway, but she has a life. I get it. I let her go, I promised that I would and I have--just like Katie.


But God, my Finley--my little "Tony"--how I wish that it were someone who understood me, now, that I was with instead......









My
beautiful
hair....