Special: Envying Kate (and sorry, Schultz)

Play auditions today. My Last for Fort Atkinson High School. As with my other rehearsals, Schultz had made up her mind when we went in. Kate actually told me she "knew Schultz knew that she [Kate] wouldn't take anything other than a large role." Verbatim. And I'm reading for Beatrice. Why? Because to Schultz, who doesn't know me and won't even take the chance to know me, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, I'm crazy. I'm stupid. I'm absent-minded because I hum to myself.

So for this play, I will be cast. As Beatrice. Kate will be Allegra. Why? Because Kate ALWAYS gets the big roles. Since the beginning of time. Because she won't take anything else. I try and be open-minded and, for my trouble, have gotten smaller and smaller roles with less importance and less personal relation throughout the years. Not a single chance to shine. Do you think people remember Chef Hatami, or Mrs. Hollander? I'll be talking to people who have seen it--most don't even remember I was in the cast--and then the subject will move on from the main characters to, "Who were you, anyway?" "The Chef. You know, the french one?" "Oh! The fat chick who made weird food!"

Lovely. That's *exactly* how I want to be remembered. Conner will also be cast. So will Johnny (who I basically dragged into the audition process), and so (I hope) will Nathan Cozak, who I went out of my way to approach and say, "You are Hollister. Audition." But of course, I couldn't have done those things, could I? I'm *anti-social, eccentric, and freakish*. Good God. If I'm cast as Beatrice, I'll have to really think hard about taking part in this production. I'm fucking sick of this.

I wanted one--ONE--chance to be the big person. One. You want to know the difference between Kate and I? She's thinner and prettier. Schultz likes her better. People talk to her. She's competent with any and all tools. She can fix Katie, whereas I cannot. Apparently she's also a better actor, or at least she's talented enough to take every dream I've ever wanted. I can't watch that happen again with this group, especially not after the shit that went down with the Haunted Hallway and Greese. The people who've been my heroes for four years don't give a fuck about what I want. They won't give me the chance to develop, rather, they just want the money. They want the liked person.

Who'd come to a play I was starring in? What's that? No one? Oh, right. So just give me a role people can laugh at me in. Like they do every day. What else is there do do?

Well, I do like Payton... eh... Payton, will you be a corpse, please? Sorry, you'll be sitting on the floor FOR HOURS.
Sure, Ms. Schultz. Anything for you.
Thanks. Kate?
Yeah?
You're a Zombie. You'll get the best makeup and costume, and you'll have to lead these guys. They're relatively new to acting, but I know *you* can handle it.
Gee, thanks!

You see, that was the Haunted Hallway for me. Tonight was more:

Payton?
Yes, Ms. Schultz?
I need you to be the exact person I picked you out for, since my instincts are never wrong.
...Um.... But can't I try for another person? What about one of Edward's wives? I really understand betrayal well--that is, not being as pretty as the other person. I really want a chance to prove myself as an actress, and I can really empathize with--
Kate?
Yeah, Ms. Schultz?
You're Allegra. She's one of the main female roles. Congratulations. Payton, read as Beatrice, please?

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to see that I'm right. Again.


Get to know me, Ms. Schultz. Even though you won't ever read this, or honestly, in my opinion, care, you are killing my dreams. You won't even let me taste one, and I might be done with it.