Sometimes I get really angry at you Finley.
You might be good for me, but I don't like recognizing it.
I'm young. I want to do crazy things and go adventuring.
I want to make new friends, swing some parties, dance in the moon.
The closest thing we do to that is Ben's.
ALL you do is Ben's. You don't watch for new things at school,
you don't look for a better-paying job, nothing.
You just live your life with your head down, waiting for it to get better
and relying on me.
That is not okay.
What if something happens to me? What will you do?
Let's say I take really bad care of my diabetes and get into a coma.
Who will you talk to about your problems? Who will you spend time with?
You love me, and I love you. That doesn't mean you should live only for me.
I've had that devotion before, and let me tell you, it ends badly.
You know what else isn't okay?
You not saying good-bye to me every morning. You used to all the time,
and now you just throw me out of your car and drive off to your life.
That is, your classes. I'm pretty sure you don't even have a life. Find some new friends.
Find some. Start applying for a better job with more hours.
You don't lack smarts, you don't lack talent, so why the fuck are you settling?
It's like that with me, too. I feel like that a lot.
I was okay, and you were happy with me, and I came at the right time,
so you love me.
You SETTLED for me.
Let's look at last night.
I stayed up helping your parents, because your mother is so obviously sleep-deprived I could have thrown a brick through the window and she wouldn't notice.
I was being social and talking. And you just... left. Yeah, you're allowed to be tired.
But still.
Okay, so then I come into bed and get next to you.
And I'm thinking, and I go, "What would you do if you lost me?"
Maybe I should've been less direct, because you freaked the fuck out.
You gripped my arm like a vice and shook your head and got all whimpering,
pulling me to you, holding me like you wouldn't let go.
I used to think that was sweet. Now it concerns me.
Finley, this is a huge world with a lot of people that would love you if you gave them the chance
and you have to expand yours beyond me.
You have to act on what you see and realize, however much less observant you are than me,
or your life will be miserable and lonely.
Meanwhile,
I don't suppose you notice that *I'm* freaking out?
I'm fucking withering. I hate college. I tell you stories to keep you happy for me
because otherwise you get all mopey or angry,
so I can't tell you shit. Ever.
That's not how a relationship is supposed to work.
And that's not how People are supposed to work, either
I should be able to tell you something and you listen
and yeah, there's emotion involved, but you can't just let your mind take a vacation to Narnia on LSD
because that shit is wrong, and it makes me angry.
I'm sorry. I know tomorrow is our two-year anniversary.
But this has to change.
I'm thinking we should take a break for awhile
and we should both work some shit out
because frankly I have a lot going on right now
I really hate my life
I hate being trapped in this little town
I hate withering
I hate hearing the same idiots who followed me to M.A.T.C. throw shit in my face and go unchallenged for it
I hate not having outlets like I used to
I hate a lot. A lot a lot a lot.
And you have no idea.
I don't expect you to do what I do for other people
you aren't an em-path
but for the love of God, Finley, you should definitely be able to tell when I am upset
and act on it.
I expect that from someone who wants me to spend the rest of my life with them.
I'm sorry to ambush you like this.
I really am.
But you needed to hear it.
I love you.
Please, fucking answer this.
No comments:
Post a Comment