Wild: Deep breath

You might wish a little
to be carried off somewhere....
-Sappho


I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm getting on a plane and going to Raleigh, North Carolina, to intern at a Newspaper. Any section I want. It's paid intern, and free room and board, why the fuck not? I mean to work hard. Okay, yes, I'm staying with my crazy cousin. And yes, she parties really hard.

But they do have unlimited wifi and I'm the only one who uses it--how could I ever, ever say no to that?

For a week in the middle, I'm going to New York. Seeing things, touching things, learning to live. Fighting. Going to see Brave and probably Wicked or Phantom, just to be touristy, wearing my new clothes that make my mother's toenails curl. The things that make me look different. The things I'm proud to own.

But holy fuck, fuck, fuck, am I going to miss the people I love here. Katie and Finley. Finley and Katie. Maybe even Morgan or Mallory, or Sam, even though we haven't hung much. Schultz, even if we haven't spoken in like two months (Schultz if you still do the blog thing, Finley's taken up guardianship of the Fox).

I'm going to miss those people. I'm going to miss those two, because they're my heart. Even in the face of this mega, epic adventure, promises to see me again when I get back, I know that I'm going to come back a different person. I'm leaving who I am, right now, behind me forever. I need to change.

I'm seeing ghosts here. Roses who won't look me in the eye when I pass them or murmur 'Ithil,' or press two fingers to their lips and then off their foreheads to prove they comprehend that I am of the Ordainment. *Bites lip* I'm sure that Brontus will look after the Kingdom while I'm away, and if not him and Henri and Dyrim, then Katie. That's a comfort, I suppose.

I loved my people when I ruled them. I know it even more, because I don't rule them anymore. I'm going to mess them, sharing their troubles with me at the Revels, flirting and brushing silver hair from my face. Taking off priceless gems from around my neck at the end of every night. Knowing that I belonged....

Sacrifices.

Sacrifices for my future, for my real life. It's so hard for me to look at it that way, but I can't seriously expect to fall in love if I'm like this, can I? Miserable and trapped and suffocating? Wilting like a summer flower in the autumn chill?

I must find my own light, moon or not. I must find my own White Knight, Queen or not. *Clenches eyes* I need to learn to make myself happy.