Wild: Human-touched

I'm seeing Kate tomorrow.

She and Katie and I are doing something for like three-ish hours around three
easy enough to remember.

Tomorrow I'm getting up early and buying food and litter for my cat.
I'm doing some cleaning.
I'm changing, putting a little more silver in my hair.

I'm so nervous.
It's hard for me to be around humans right now,
because I'm imbalanced in both worlds.

I feel like my stomach is rolled up into a ball
or maybe it's a balloon that's near a mischievous first-year holding a push pin
or a chunk of ice that's chilling in a snowball
something poetic like that.

Really, though.
Nervous.

I'm glad I'll have you with me, Katie.

I need a filter sometimes.
I need someone to remind me I'm being a fucking idiot
to cool my jets and stomp angstily back to the Tardis
await a new day.

I'm glad I have a chance at fixing what I did to you, too, Kate.
I'm just glad you found it in yourself to forgive me.
I warn you, it's a big undertaking, the undertaking of me.
A lot of people have tried it and failed.

I hope, I really, really hope, that I don't fuck up again,
and that you don't forget that I'm human too.







It's hypocritical of me to say that, though.


I sure forget I'm human, sometimes.....





HUMAN HUMAN HUMAN.
I'M PAYTON. NINETEEN YEARS OLD.
SILVERY-BLOND HAIR PARTY.
LITTLE OBESE, NO BIG (HAR HAR)
NOT TOO TALL
OLD CLOTHING
 DIABETIC AND ROMANTIC
NOT OVERTLY ATTRACTIVE
HUMAN HUMAN HUMAN.

I know, I know. I get that rant all the time.

But it's so easy to forget that when I'm balancing it with--
Eliac.
Nobility, grace, ease,
she of the moon, the seas, the rivers, the rain, the frost.
Power in her fingertips
the crash of raindrops on her voice
and the love of eternity in her heart.
Respected, abide-d by, adored
considered beautiful to the point it's inhuman....

Where people know me for my suffering
my heroics, my honestly, truly saint-like behavior
where people see half of my heart for what it is.

Anyway, Kate. If you still read this (?)
it's more than a lot of "humans" can say, that.
Seeing half my heart for what it is.

I'm sorry. I'm going to be overwhelming and secretive and cautious and scared,
because I'm not used to dealing with regular people like you.
Oh, God. That sounded assholish. I mean, ah, non-Roses. Really, that's all I meant.
*Nervous face*


Soooo
this is my first human blog post in awhile.

That means I have.....













Hope.