Wild: Human War

Sometimes there isn't anything you can say or do. There's someone in trouble and you can't save them, there's something that hurts too much to heal and you're just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. For a long time that entire situation has been my life, really. It's dramatic but there it is.

And the people who don't read this don't believe me, the people who do read this might not, even. But I believe what I have lived, with, without your consent, your belief. Your belief does not make my pain less for having experienced it, nor do the words of comfort you forget to offer when it suits you soothe my hurt.

I still want to help you.

I love you, all of you, each and every one. Now that I'm human, now that I'm awake again and I can live, all I want to do is fix the people I have harmed and stop myself from ever hurting those people again. Stop myself from chaining anyone else to a throne that will, I know now, always be waiting for me to come back to it.

But here are my words.

Sedition.
Love.
Eternity.
Soul. 
Shattered/Legendary/Mythical/Mermaid Queen
Queen 
Moon-Queen 
Water
Eliac
Gay (guilty) 
Finley
Katie
Empty room, lonely nights, a ring that isn't true
Hope (Midsummer night's dream (see above: Queen)("Lord, What fools these mortals be!") ) 
Future, move on
Let go
Freedom, fight, Warrior Human
Wild.....


I will always want to help you. I will always care and fight for you, and listen and council. My life has been hard, though no one has seen it; and the greatest things I'm ever like to do have passed in a shadow. I will tell my story if you ask me for it, and my God, do I want someone to ask for it. Do I want to prove to someone I am and have been the Mermaid Queen, the Balance Queen, the Queen-who-found-her-soul. But you won't. Who wants to see me--me, plain old me--as a Warrior? It's easier to write me off as awkward.

I think that the Rose problems were easier than real life. I might've been tortured and I might've screamed and there was pain, but I was used to it. When I woke up in the morning I had time to contain myself, hide my pain, my secrets. Now I don't even have that; I have silence and a phone that doesn't ring and people who refuse to acknowledge me or abandon me like Elizabeth.... I chose a human path to better myself, but the more I look at this, the more I realize I have no chance to be myself here. No one who is willing to recognize my talent, my loyalty, my heart and my devotion. I feel invisible and heartbroken.

Human is so much harder.

Human is so much harder a war, too, because there is no Lord Azrael to fight now....only me. Only myself and my own desires, which will hurt everyone no matter how careful I am.

I want help and there's no one that I can ask for it fairly. I'll probably hurt them, too. I don't even care about me as much as hurting the people around me; the people who've waited so patiently for me to have this fun little fucking revelation. Not Finley, who gives me a blank, searchingly pained expression whenever I start to verge again on the topic of, 'What if you didn't have me?'. Not Katie, who is so immersed in trying to dig herself out of pain I didn't give her the chance to recover from she can barely think straight; who I watch the pain behind the smiles for and know there's nothing I can offer her but space.

Not my Mother, who would sigh and say, 'Payton, what am I going to do with you?' Not the people who've spent their whole time at my side being judgmental and never really knowing me, never really giving me the chances I fought tooth and nail to live for.

Human war. Human war.




I'm losing.