Wild:

Saturday: Renfaire with Sarah. Bought a new Necklace I've now enchanted to feed me instead of a White Knight. Wheee, self-reliance. Sarah learned a lot about me; that I can dance the old-style dances and that I look good in a Corset and that Rachel from Four Winds will hate me for eternity; even if I won't explain why. I was sunburned, too. So badly burned. And there was this seller of full ensembles at a place called Fox something Renaissance and he and his co-worker were....flirting with me. Both of them. I can't tell how flattering that was, how pretty I felt. He took pictures of me for his website, even. He flushed when I smiled at him. I haven't felt so.... at peace... in ages. There was a group of singers there that sang A capella Medieval music that was beautiful and I harmonized and a woman offered me a job there if I felt like traveling--she gave me a card. She said my voice was like the moon on the beach. '

I'm calling her, I'm emailing her, I will NOT leave her alone until I get a chance to sing with them, make love to their voices with my voice. Travel with them in a world like this one.

There were belly dancers there. I couldn't take my eyes off them, there was a woman with dark hair that reminded me of Dyrim who flirted with a Knight. A flower fell from her hair and he picked it up off the ground and held it to his heart and I loved them and I loved everything and the sun was on my shoulders and I ate chocolate cheesecake and the world was perfect. Perfect. I bought soap from a man whose wife had a Doctor Who theme for her text message tone; we eagerly discussed River Song....

No Roses. Not one. What would it be like if they could be out in the sun, could live and walk as people do? I want so much that to happen, I want a world where I can be that person again. Feel like I did then. My voice was slipping into Queen....
 
I bought a necklace. Quartz. And a charm; the symbol Wungo, the letter W, which stands for Balance in the Norse alphabet. I chose it at random before I found out what it meant and tied it to my quartz.


Sunday: Eau Claire with Sam and Paula. Waterpark and Arcade Tom foolery.

Monday: More tom foolery; a long drive. See Finley. Sam and I have nothing in common but I really like her; she's so friendly and kind. I worry about the impact of her stressful life on her mind. She actually had a little breakdown on Sunday, the poor thing. She's so delicate for her strength and I want so much for her to trust me, be close to me. Just so I can be close to her, trust her.

Today: Saw and hung with Johnny Friedl all day today. Told him about the Roses, but not--not too much. I made a huge fucking effort to strive away from that part of my life, really be human. Johnny makes me so happy and I wish I had more to offer him for his kindness. We talked about him a little bit, and I wish we had talked about him more.... he needs someone to listen. He said if it's okay with Katie I should go clubbing Friday. OMGOMGOMGOMG HUMAN REVEL? o_o My dream, a reality.

Tomorrow:

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

Sunday:

My life:

My future:




But? No.... no Roses. I'm learning to be okay with that. I felt sun on my limbs..... I can live without them. I can. I can. I have to. I'll fall in love and change my soul and dance with pretty women and read Shakespeare and get too much sun and live. I feel like it's sinking in: it's done, it's safe. This is only memories.  I'll be nothing now. Soon I won't need even to advise, my regency will keep my people safe.


I want so much to fall in love. Real love this time. No devotin, I want to live and breathe and be wild and crazy and young--because I haven't been. Ever.

God, please.....