I woke up in Finley's arms this morning. It was warm and he'd taken off his shirt (they didn't have the air on, get your mind out of the gutter), and I was laying against him, and I could hear his heart and feel the warm breath against my face, and I was.... complete. Trouble-less and complete. Oh, oh, I didn't want to move. Wanted to keep that safety, that serenity... And the feeling of love, deep as mine, while feeling mine, which makes it twice the love. Real, real love. I did not want to go...
But I did.
Mr. Engstrom forgave me for missing the Star Spangled banner. I explained I made bacon and slept and dance central'd and how I tried to get a hold of people and I felt so bad about it he actually laughed at me. Played Connect four, dominated.
Kept remembering Finley's arms...
So today, I hung with Kate. I was a little worried she would cancel, just because she doesn't know me that well, but she didn't. We had fun. I helped her weed (well, okay, she did most of the work while I was a jerk, made poor jokes, blathered about random personal things nervously, and built tiny utopias from the rocks on her lawn), I did her dishes, I tried really, really hard to charm her family... I think I did okay.
We played Nancy Drew. We went over me being Crazy, how Kate didn't think that anymore. Kate's also writing me a letter (no joke, I'm curious about that). I told Kate (while sitting in that pretty sun) how people tend to run away from me when I do something differently than usual, and she said, "Do I do that?" and I, without hesitation, answered, "yes, you do."
"...is that bad?"
"It hurts." I stare at a flower, feel the guilt and even willingness to make it up and then add, hopefully, "Someone needs to tell me the truth once in awhile. I do not hold it against you."
"Oh."
"Normally," I said absentmindedly, plucking a patch of clover and tossing it into the bramble, "I search my friends' souls when I'm with them." I think about that. "Especially Katie. Katie likes searching her soul, and I do, too."
She looks at me and grins, and I go on, "I'm sorry," I explain. "It's just that Finley and Katie are... I Don't mean this self-deprecatingly, and I've been working on this, but.... they're the only friends I have. I'm so lucky to have them."
"We need to work on that."
Also? At dinner I had venison and hashbrowns with green peppers and asparagus. They Murley's were very confined in their order, and it took me awhile to adjust from the laughter and bad jokes I expect from my own table. After all, their table isn't mine. Every house functions differently, and they were very... tolerant. I like Kate's Father, though. The guy is really ready to crack a sincere smile, one he feels, after he got over the handicap that his daughter is friends with somebody like me.
Betty--Can I mention her that way in this blog, or should I go with Mrs. Murley?--was polite and a hostess, but I can tell we won't be braiding each other's hair any time soon... same with Ben. Ben is very loyal to his sister, though. You can tell, and I admire that. For my part, I did not press him.
I also apologized for not knowing Dan well yet. I wanted to, I said (in truth, I would feel better for knowing him, perhaps it would help), I was just worried he wouldn't.... that he didn't... that he didn't have friends like me. I'm really worried the guy would hate me, but it's obvious he's important to Kate, and Kate.... somehow, amazingly... is my friend now.
She said she could see it going either way---Dan liking or disliking me--and then we made fun of that creeper who had a laptop in his van. We played with the Technician's handbook, too, all inside "the Final Scene", a Nancy Drew game she happened to own.
It's easy to be charmed by Kate when you're not worried she hates you. I appreciate the difference now that I notice it and accept it as truth.
All the same, my heart wrenched for Katie. I suppose that is my other handicap, isn't it?
Always worried for my friend. Because even though I really was focused on Kate, I kept thinking about how I wished things were different, that it was the three of us hanging out. That... that that was okay, you know? Accepted friendship.
Still, I had fun. But my heart is twisting for Katie....
I wonder why?
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