Festivus is a Seinfeld holiday where friends sit around a pole and insult each other. It takes place on Christmas day. Some people even celebrate Festivus instead of Christmas, which seems strange to me. Then, Christmas must sure seem strange to them.
We had one at rehearsal yesterday, and I told them a lot. People said a lot about me, to, but it was more to me, and it wasn't negative. Schultz told the others she was leaving, as she had when I found out... but this time, sitting in a room full of people she's saved from themselves, it really was hard to contain myself. I cried. We talked about how Schultz had impacted our short lives so much, and how we'd miss her, but how proud we were of her. Dominic said he'd felt like a freak before he'd met Schultz, and that he was glad that he could go to her room whenever he wanted to. Also, he's not joining the Marines anymore. He's going to college, getting a history major. He said Schultz was a big impact, not only on that choice, but his life.
And I said, "Raise your hand if Schultz is your hero, too" and everybody did. Everybody. Even quiet Jacob, my friend, and Conner, even sassy Kellie Grob, even Johnny Friedl, who looked a little embarrassed about the thing to begin with. Everyone.
Schultz was.... Schultz seemed.... I don't know... surprised. Like she hadn't really thought about how much we mean to her. I think sometimes, she really thinks her "children" don't care for her... but we do. So much, we do. I don't want to be all, "Especially me" but...
I raised my hand after the others had put them down, after April had started to cry--tiny, dainty lady tears that faeries would keep in bottles as an ingredient of human innocence and pure, pure love--and said, tearfully, "Schultz was the first person who made me a person," and April hugged me.
Of course, this was after I had said, "Please don't label me as 'Payton', because I'm different than what you know, and even though nobody in this group is outright mean to me, you don't exactly go out of your way to be kind or learn about me. I'm trying to reform, I'm trying really hard to be like you, so help me..." and they told me not to. Told me they loved me as I was... Kate even apologized to me. She hugged me. She whispered into my ear, "I love you, Payton. I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I..." Sorry she hurt me. Sorry. She doesn't hate me.
I nuzzled into her shoulder, smelled her skin.
Felt like a creeper.
"I love you, too, Kate," I whispered, and I meant it. Still mean it, now.
But it wasn't just her. Everybody hugged me, and I felt their hearts and they were happy, and we were a family; we were wild and safe and free....
My heart felt bare, but I did not feel vulnerable for it, and neither did many of theirs. I would have known, if they had.
Oh, how happy I was to not be afraid at Play practice again... I didn't feel hurt once tonight. Not once. Stung briefly, yes, but never hurt. Not like I had been before. I feel like I have friends. True, some will forget me after this show. True, some of them are only trying to be kind temporarily because of Festivus, because their arms felt my sorrow in theirs and is sorry for it. True, some of them are faking it to not look like assholes.
But I don't think like that. It is not my nature to do anything but forgive, to love, to live, to smile.... and to hug. Most especially do I like that.
Kate is acting like.. like my friend. I am hoping so much she doesn't forget that I'm not.. not a liar. Not a freak. That I did what I did for good, and I love her.
Tonight, when I acted as Beatrice, I had to act like I was worried Allegra would hurt me. I didn't do it naturally, I had to act it, and though I'm sure the scenes suffered a smigdin for it, I do not regret the lack. I'm not a freak. I'm not... I'm not a freak.
Also, I'm a "Goddess" of Connect Four, if you ask Johnny, Ms. Schultz, Kate, Mr. Yoder, Mr. Torrenga, my entire 4/5 study hall, Molly Ebel, Dominic Anderson, Kelly, Taylor, Finley, or... um... well basically anyone...
Things are okay. Things are better than okay. It'd even be perfect if I'd seen my Katie-bird today... my heart has a little ache for her, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps I am merely paranoid, it is an entirely plausible suggestion. And Molly, too... but Elizabeth can handle Molly. I can give advice. Molly's a lot like I was, only, like I was in the seventh grade, not too recently. I can put her back into her normal self easily, carefully, and with the right encouragement. I have taught Elizabeth to do this, do it well.
I'll miss you, Ms. Schultz. I really will, I'll miss you. Not from the High school.. I'd never tell a hero to pass their dreams.... but.... not seeing you? That will hurt me. A lot of my success comes from knowing you are alive, are sitting tall with a smile.... it makes me feel so brave, so strong. I worry.
But I have friends. I do, I'm making them again. They smile, they greet me in the halls... they wave at me. I talk to them. They answer.
So simple, yet you cannot understand how much it means.... not to feel.... like there's something wrong with me.
What the fu--! Katie-bird just messaged me!
...Guess it's a perfect day, after all.
Happy Friday world.... And thank you, God.
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