Special: heart-halves

It's funny when you think you have something and you realize you didn't.

Like today, I thought I was okay. Not unhappy, but not happy either. A reasonable medium.

And then I saw Katie, and my whole heart lit up like hers had from that dream, when she kissed my hand and I felt a surge of that special happiness and general Payton-tenderness that only my heart-halves give me--and she was smiling and happy with those beautiful eyes--and I realized I felt human. Suddenly I was happy. Instantly, like somebody had flipped a switch, I was myself.

And then she left and it was gone again, and it was almost worse for having me noticed the difference at all.

I had to take off my ring to really get into Beatrice (and not get ink on my fingers) and I danced around like I had a hernia. I wasn't Payton Wiese while it was gone. Just plain old Payton Thompson again. Oh, lord, I hadn't missed that.

Though it was Ms. Schultz herself who donned my ring with a comforting nod and smile, I couldn't hold still back stage. I moved nervously and danced... and oddly enough, it was Kate who comforted me. Kate who looked at me with concern when I unconsciously moved my foot or my eyes twitched with that unnatural speed; Kate who took me into her arms and told me it'd be all right.

I felt like I'd stolen something, but she was...she was happier, after she had. Only a little, but she was, and it boggled my mind.

Nathan knew his lines, but not well, and he won't work to make it better. It's so frustrating to see Dalton literally mouthing Hollister's lines while Nathan struggles to even look at me. Dalton is always checking on how we can make stuff better as a ''couple'', how he can say this differently, should he move here at this point, what about this line? Nathan was apparently born to think he's too good for the rest of us and that arrogance is sickening. We had to go over Beatrice and Hollister's mini-moment over and over and over again, because he just... just couldn't understand love.

If there is something that frustrates me truly, it would be that... to not understand love!

Then I saw Finley, and I sat in his arms for awhile, and my heart was there again, healed, perfect, happy. I smiled and laughed and was myself. Like nothing had ever been missing.

Oh, how I love those two. How they make me happy... they make me myself. Sometimes I don't feel so much like myself unless they're with me. Because... because I did it. Not just me. More God than me, I have to remember that. My friend, God--He sent me friends! Not just any friends, but two true, true, close friends, friends who understand and listen and love like I do...

Two halves of my heart. Two blessings on my life. Two friends. Two lovers in the non-conventional sense.

Finley, who shows the dark I had once, who lives through it through love and support. Finley and Katie share my music, my art, my words and my spinning tongue. Katie, who shows what I want to be, always smiling against the grim and fighting to make herself better even at the worst. Finley, who smiles at the moon. Katie, who says 'fuck it' and plunges to the unknown.

How many words could I write about them? So many. There are so many good things to say about my heart, my soul-friends.... the ones I love.

Tonight I'll hold tight to a coat and a bear...

Because sometimes love dominates me. Sometimes it swallows me up and makes life worth it. Really worth it.


Oh, Katie.... Finley....


My friends...