So I've spent the past couple of days freaking out about this, and I really should write it down. Maybe I shouldn't be so preoccupied with it? I don't know.
Before I get into that, though, I'll go into Church today. Katie didn't sing, and Taylor only got a little bit. Disappointed in that. I'm not going back for awhile. A church should keep its promises.
When I greeted people, I did it differently than other people. When they took my hand to shook it, I spun around, or I surprise hugged, or I leaned against their shoulders and said, "Oh hey, I'm glad you're here today, friend".
A few smiles, even laughs and the bases of stories (you can always tell), but more often than not... a readiness for disapproval. Like I wasn't doing the thing properly. I did my best to avoid those people, but I'll always remember dancing around like a hooligan among those Methodists. Those *United* Methodists. Haha. Get it? Get it?
...Okay, that was bad. But you get the idea.
Now, I'm on to the thing that's been freaking me out.
Seriously. I was on the Facebook late one night, as I'm pretty often these days. I'm a creeper that way. And Elizabeth messages me in a big frenzy. 'Oh Payton this happened and that and the other thing and I really need you ramargah' stuff... when you're a friend and somebody says 'I need to see you', how do you say no? So of course, I said yes.
When she came over, though, she was different. She brought presents for everybody, which no one's ever done before, and she was way over-apologetic. She'd said there was a specific thing she wanted to talk to me about the night before on the facebook, and I kept waiting for that to come up, but it didn't. Every time we were alone, she looked around at the assembled chaos, never at me.. and then as soon as somebody was back in, she was happy, smiling, laughing, like we were bffs who'd never fought about anything.
Eventually it came to me that maybe she just didn't want somebody to walk in on us talking, so I suggested she take me to rehearsal a little early and we could hang.
When we pulled into the parking lot (crowded from some kid-related event, balloons and sugar everywhere), everything was quiet. Then:
"So what were you mad at me about?"
"Damn you, Payton---do you know how angry I've been at you lately?"
"Why?"
"Because Finley makes you happy."
"I'm sorry if we've offended you... it will amuse you to tell me why?"
"Because... because... El, do you have any idea how much I fucking love you?"
"Well I love you, too, Liz, but I'm a little confused how this constitutes into anger..."
"You're hot, Payton. Seriously. I love every move you make, and I work really hard to make you laugh, because your smile is important to me..."
"Um... thanks..."
"If you had asked me, I would have left Adam in a second for you, El. I feel like whenever you're with me, I'm touching the soul I'm supposed to be. I'm touching on what I've always wanted. Sometimes I think for hours about kissing you, about telling you, but I can't do that. I'm not a poet like you are, Payton. I can't make words come alive on a page."
"You're just as good a writer as I am, Liz, but I still don't understand what you're trying to tell me. Why are you pissed at me?"
I'm staring at her blankly when she starts to cry.
"I just want you to forgive me," she whimpers. "You're so beautiful and wonderful, and I've never been able to get over the fact you aren't mine--but I want you to be. Always, I want that... But Finley makes you so HAPPY." She groped my knee, "How can anybody object to that? But Payton.... El...."
She looked at me, and I saw it. I saw just how much I'd hurt her... I just didn't know how I had. And she leaned in very close, and her hair touched my face, and she took me in her arms and kissed me. Hard. Unyielding. Firmly. Like it was all she ever wanted. I guess I responded, but I can' recall too clearly... I was just so shocked. Of all the things I expected, this wasn't one.
When she let go, I sat up like a bolt of lightning, all the words gone from my tongue. "L-liz--!" I sputtered uselessly, "--!"
"I know it isn't what you want," she said, still crying (am I that bad a kisser? The world may never know), "no matter how much I want you, want to be in your heart like you are in mine, that isn't how it's going. That isn't how fate glides. But I'll wait for you, Payton. Because love like I have for you... when you really know how beautiful and... and... perfect somebody is.... it won't go away." She paused, ran a hand down my arm, and I shivered against my will. "It won't... go... away." The tears had thinned now, and she regained herself. "So please forgive me for being mad at you. It isn't me--it might never be me--that you love that way, and I know it. But... I'll wait. I'm sooooo sorry I was mad." And she kissed me on the cheek.
And for whatever reason, she pulled out of the parking lot and then pulled back in again, started talking about everything and anything but us.
Talked to a few people with me and then left me at rehearsal, shell-shocked, lonely, angry, violated.... and really confused.
I don't love her that way, I never have, and I never will. Finley's my husband, my future, my stability. I love him, I really love him.
But even though you won't read this ever, Liz, I do love you... just not like this. I'm sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that... and I've cried since that I have.
Wish I had somebody to talk to about this. Wish I had someone who'd been through it and knew what to say.
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