Finley was busy today, but I had rehearsal. Tomorrow I have a field trip. I think Kate might like me, she waved at me again in the hall. Now that she's known me and not seen my mask per result, she sees me as human. She sees me as Payton.
She sees me as myself.
Not the point, but a quiet pride assuages me that honor. Also, today, I read--continued to read--"The Reluctant Heiress". If there is a book that could make the burgeoning soul feel love, it is that one. For me, my heart flies to know the opera Magic Flutes. I don't know them, but tonight, sitting on the sidelines of a stage while the devoted cast did scene work, I felt it. Truly, utterly, as she had felt when writing it, and knew it per its success. Felt the moment, too. Smiled, lost in the dreams of a fool, as the others interacted and lived.
But oh, those dreams, and oh, the feeling. The legend of the Lilly and the Opera; the lines which I wanted so much to read to my friends...
Falling in love with Hollister was easy tonight, and I think I know why.
After rehearsal--skipping the T-shirt business--Johnny took me home. Box Elder bugs ambushed me; seriously all over me as I spun around, crying, "Get them off me! Get them off me!" Ugh. Ugh. Ugh!! But they were all right, and....
And I noticed Johnny was looking at me differently.
I suppose it's my fault; I danced with him. We were playing as players do, back stage, pretending to dance, and suddenly he got sexual... and I moved like a lustful woman who was wild and free.... and we got closer...
"Shut up backstage!"
He looked at me with a longing I recognized, if only vaguely, but it didn't register. After all, it was only a brief moments. A few heartbeats, breaths, moments, and we were laughing.
He took me home, though, and I saw that look, and with Johnny... I realized I always, always feel like I am dancing. From how he speaks to me and looks at me, or doesn't, depending, I realized he was mine for the taking if I wanted him. Yes, he loves men, but he also loves me. I imagined following a white-clad Fate with a train full of diamonds, imagined picking one up and keeping it.... and then I realized Fate had probably dropped it on purpose.
Johnny was that diamond.
Oh, the music he listens to would normally appall me, but with him, my blood races. And when I got out of the car, he said, "I love you" with that cheeky grin, and pulled me into a hug that ended with his head on my chest, me instinctively nuzzling into his shoulder.
There is a danger in freedom. For my happiness, for my youth, I must remember that. After all, it is Finley I love.
That said, I am, of course, a woman. A wild, beautiful, clever woman with gypsy dances and smiles that could caress you. For that moment, I felt like Eliac again. I felt... dangerous.
That said, let me play.
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