Special

I asked him to come. I thought perhaps that would be wise, because I'd done something horrible to you. You didn't have to deal with me alone that way... I thought it was plausible. I thought it was fair. I thought it was what you wanted.

Forget my issues. You have enough of your own. I deleted that for a reason.... I had done you an injustice for assuming otherwise. That's my fault. It is not your responsibility to help me, not right now, not at this time in your life. Not when you have three jobs and a college tuition--two, I can't forget that--to pay. New apartment and life style and girlfriend and...

I write when I'm angry. Some of this--a lot of this--is me, sifting through my thoughts. Most especially the traitorous ones, Katie. I have to put them somewhere, because if they just build up, they'll kill me. I'll explode. Boomboomboom is not what I want to happen; I've had too many times where I couldn't control it and it didn't help me at all.

I made promises to you and kept them. You made one to me and broke it. Yes, you had a reason, but it wasn't a good one. You turned me trying to help you into me betraying Kate's trust. That's part, if not a lot, of why she's angry at me. Why she's STILL ignoring me. I'm angry at you over that now that I've figured it out.... but I'll forgive you. I always do. I love you too much to not... and you know it.

I don't know if you were trying to say this, but I certainly don't think I'm irreplaceable. Part of the reason I'm freaking out is because I know I'm not, especially not to you, and especially not at this point in your life. It terrifies me. Love, which is so precious to me, is something that is... horrifying... to lose, even if just for a week or couple of months or whatever. I'm vulnerable, if also incredibly strong for that. Unfortunately it's a huge flaw of mine, self-doubt.... and I know I'm not that only one with it, even if that doesn't excuse it at all.

When I was over the other day, you had this insane inner-turmoil and a weird armor I didn't recognize at all. That frightened me. Really frightened me. Inner-turmoil means... inner struggle. Inner pain. One you weren't addressing. One that at the time I was sure you wouldn't want me to help you with anymore given where we were... and I wanted to. I just didn't know how. Sometimes we have to solve our own turmoil, and I could feel you trying to sift your way back into your own self... I think? If that makes sense... ?

I am pretty involved with the Kate stage of your life--err, whether you've left it or not, which is none of my business. That left an impact on both of us, and the relationships all of us have with each other. That's always going to be there, and I don't know how that effects you and I/you and Kate/Kate and I/whatever. It's like a big hole... sometimes I don't wait to be pushed. Sometimes I jump. Not just over that....

I'll still help you, if you still want me. I'll always help you. I'm sorry.... I know it's not enough when I'm a flaming bitch covered in leeches like this, Katie. I know it's not enough when I get to be this selfish and self-absorbed. You deserve better than that from your friends... but I am, and I mean that. I hope that sincerity to my stupidity and fear means something... it does to me.

I'm afraid of that church. I'm afraid that what I've done isn't good enough, and that I've made mistakes. I know God will forgive me. I've explained everything to Him so many times, and I know he loves me. I've apologized and try to reform from my bad habits when they crop up. It's the people there I know won't if they'd found out. I feel like if I step out of place or say the wrong thing, they'll ignore me. Or something worse, I don't know. I'm so.... accepting... that people not doing what I do is incredibly strange to me. It makes me almost angry, and then I feel wrong, being angry at Godly people. I look at people like Chris and go, why? He's so sweet and good! I find a girl, no older than eight, crying in a stairwell for something minor and give her candy and say to myself, she doesn't deserve that. ....things like that. If you weren't there, I wouldn't be.... but because you ask, I will remain. At least as long as you do.

I'll help whenever you want me to, Katie. And I will wait. I am a very patient waiter. Patience is, after all, a virtue.....