Special: Moon-drunk

"If you don't mind me asking..."

"There is nothing I could keep from you. Erm... what's up?"

"Do you go into all your friendships expecting them to end, Payton?"

I thought about this for a moment.

"No," I said, slowly, heart twinging as it pictured a few friends I had lost, "I don't. I go into every friendship wanting for it to last forever. The thing is, Kate.... People find something.... different... not wrong, please don't think that I'm self-deprecating, but different in me. They fill themselves up with Payton magic and suddenly they don't want it anymore.... they ''change'' and don't want me, anymore. I always want them... and they get... bored? Is bored the right word? With me." Somewhere in my heart I hold everyone who has heart me. I believe that then, do now, don't say it.

-Last sleepover with Kate

The only three people I've talked to in the last three days are Kya, Conner, and Finley. Kya and Conner once, Finley just about every other time.

It's to the point I cry when he leaves. I can't help it. My "weak" heart loves him so much..... without the sun OR the moon, there's an eclipse. It's darkness unless I can find another light in my heart.

I'm no Wizard.... I can't conjure up an "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" and have everything be fine.


More dialogue from today.

"Do you feel like you're being replaced? Is that it?"

"No. She'd never do that to me." She promised, and I trust her.

"You knew it'd end. You told me it would, that she wouldn't need you like she did before."

"Of course not! I wouldn't want that."

"And even if she does need help, she has Renee to talk to now."

"I just wish I had more time. I've been trying, Finley... so hard.... to fit into the speed her life is going, but I... I can't make this leap. It's impossible... not in four days."

"I think she knows that, Payton." He leans over, shakes my soda. Satisfied there's enough to drink in there, he continues. "I think she wanted you to live with her before Renee, but now..." He shrugs.

"That's not fair," I said. "Renee isn't responsible for this. She and I are friends, she even likes me. Katie said so."

"But she might not want you... you know... encroaching on them," said Finley gently.

"I just wish she'd tell me that," I said gently, pushing away my fries. "I wish she'd say something to me, Finley. She hasn't texted or emailed or Facebooked or called or.... anything. I know! I know she's busy. She has a busy, busy life. Any good friend must respect that, and I do. Haven't I? I sit patiently and help her work, I let her answer her social life while we're together. That's important. That is a priority over me. It's just...."

I've lost so many friends. I've made so many of these excuses for friends before, friends I really loved. It's only that I poured out my heart to her, which I had no right to do, and am kicking myself in the face for it. My heart's troubles and fears, even summarized like they were there, are not her problem anymore and I have to come to grasps with that. The fact that Finley is probably right. It's just I want this to be different from Nicole or Liz....

"It's just that I miss her," I said quietly. "That's all, Finley. I just... I miss her."  I miss being close to someone who drank from the sun. Miss feeling two-way love from someone I could trust. Lately all I've reveled in is moonlight--which I love, dearly. Still....

He smiles. "Maybe Brad will take you in if she won't. You can do his dishes, bike to McDonald's and Matc... it'd be fine. Easy. Simple."

That idea has merit for when my far-fetched dream is crushed by my lack of ability and success. I must remember it; perhaps he will take me.

If it weren't for Finley, I'd be hurt. That's my fault for not making more friends, not hers. I have to remember that.


Even when it's darker, the moon will shine a crescent for the blind...

Want to know a secret?







A lot of the time, I feel blind, too.