Today, my play schedule reads that we should have gone over Act one. We did not. In point of fact, we had no rehearsal of any kind. Schultz was gone, and the cast organized a rehearsal amongst themselves that concluded of a read-through. I fear that cast. I tell you here, I tell you here, I fear it! I did not go. I am angry for their gossip and their pretend smiles... well, not all. Most.
So I did not go. I hung with the Katie-bird.
We played smash brothers, and I failed at cleaning. Again. I failed to entertain, I failed to cause laughter, I failed to have anything to help with, was generally boring. Sometimes I feel like a horrible disappointment for myself. Sometimes I worry that when they no longer need me, my friends will leave me, will drop me like a rotten piece of Tupperware.
I hurt Kate today. She and some other people were bad-mouthing Allen, and I am so sick of that. I'm frustrated with him, and he isn't my favorite person, but he has a very valid reason to be unreasonable right now. The world is demanding things of him; and the others have no right to judge upon that demand, yet they do.
I tire of that. I feel angry and confused and sad.
Katie watched Grey's Anatomy... a woman had been hurt. That scene bothered me. She was so beautiful and in so much pain... so trapped... so restricted.
Not to mention Maddy P. Sophie--the character I identify with in I am the Messenger, the one who doesn't wear shoes--is a waste of time, she said in class today. What's the point of her problems? Not wearing shoes or wearing them--she's rich! Who cares!
And I fought with her. I fought hard and I won, right there inclass. Everybody stared at me like I were a sickness they didn't want to catch and I realized I poured my heart--and therefore my sentence structure--into that reply.
I feel like an unwanted freak, and the world has nothing with which to disprove me.
At least I know my lines.
I tried to tell Katie I'm worried that now that she's happy, she'll stop talking to me, today. She didn't know what to say. I guess it's because she doesn't know if it's true or not. Maybe it's even because she knows its right and she wishes it weren't, but she can't stand me. I feel like I needed some reassurance... and she went to bed after reminding me what I'd done for her.
It's not that I'm not happy to hear about how great her life is. It's all I've wanted for months. I just... I just want to be happy, too. I want to have my Katie-friend again, feel happy and confident like I did before these last two times we've hung out where it's more ''um, hi, Payton, forget my heart, okay?'' and less ''This is what hurts me, and this is what I need to say, and this is what I need from you".
I feel inefficent and my heart hurts. What if I lose my friend for not being normal, after all? What if I'm not enough? She could have anybody in the whole world for her friend; who'd dislike a Katie like mine?
I'm paranoid, but tonight, I feel lonely... and it's not the paranoia speaking. I'm alone and my heart went to sleep, both halves.
Ouch.
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