Special: Lament

"I am perfectly ordinary, minus the fact I am a genius...."


It's my fault... I've been digging through some old things after my fight with Finley...
Report · 12:20am
Fight?
Report · 12:20am
Trying to figure myself out faster...
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Are you okay?
Report · 12:20am
I am not injured.
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Mentally?
Report · 12:20am
I did that to myself.
Emotionally... I would argue that was him, I suppose...
Report · 12:22am
sigh Don't mess yourself too much while I'm away
It makes it harder for me to hug you
Report · 12:22am
I've hidden it very well, haven't I?
Report · 12:22am
Yes.
Report · 12:23am
I shouldn't have kept myself from you.
I had no right.
Then, perhaps that is better.
I am no longer your concern.
Report · 12:23am
Excuse me?
Lies Princess.
I'm still your magician, you myu secret keeper
Report · 12:24am
A secret keeper is about as useless to a heart full of a new affair from Love as winter is to Beehives.
She even cleans.
Well.
And why entrust things to me? You have her.
Report · 12:25am
You have NOT been replaced my love.
Report · 12:25am
I am not the one among we two who said that, Katie.
You are.
I have a place in your heart, yes. That is not diminished.
But circumstance will change it.
Your time of crisis is over.
You see, people have this habit of abandoning me when crisis ends.
Only, not?
They do not abandon. Abandon is harsh, abandon implies I am being used and then discarded.
You have not done that.
But the place in your heart... fades.... when I am not needed. I am.... a seasonal... plant.
This happens... often... with those who take Love from me.
As I have been reminded...
Report · 12:28am
Seriously if your going to talk about yourself like someone who should be discarded that's what's going to happen
You are worth so much more then that and I am SICK of you not thinking so yourself
Your are beautiful young talented... and you need to think of yourself as such
Seriously
Report · 12:29am
There are moments I do.
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More moments. MORE
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That's the danger of living in a dream world, Katie. A world like mine.
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Please
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You look at the truth and the dreams and you love the dreams so much you see truth in them.
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Please dear, you are... will remain as... my best friend
Happy or not
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The truth cuts all the more bitterly, merely for existing.
Report · 12:31am
sigh
Lady friend, I do miss you mucho
Report · 12:31am
I want to pour my heart into someone who doesn't expect it.
Do you have those moments?
I want to walk in the streets and throw out my arms and scream, "YOU'RE WRONG! I'M RIGHT HERE--LOOK AT ME! ....PLEASE!"
Of course, I'd be arrested.
...And probably transferred to a psychologist.
I want someone to look at me and go, Oh. Oh. I was wrong.
I want to change someone into being able to touch my dreams and realize they are worth.... so much more.... than every bad thought or word or gesture.
Yet I can't even pass math...
Can't get my Heroes to like or even desire my company...
I fuck up social interactions...
And I hurt my friends.....my husband....
I confuse myself all the more for being Wise, Katie. That is my secret: merely for existing, I am confused.
They say with genius comes a vision: if I am a genius, and I have a clear vision, why doesn't it work?
Report · 12:34am
Life is confusing.
Report · 12:35am
I understand it perfectly.
That is to say, that I can't understand it at all.
So perfectly.
I can break off little pieces, I can offer them to people who don't want them and won't read or process them.
I don't want it to make sense.
But I want my dreams to mean something...
I want the world to listen.
Report · 12:36am
Me too... welcome growing up to
Very few people actually know what's going on but we fake it.
Report · 12:36am
Especially people I admire. Because I envy that I have the ability to admire them... and never, ever, ever myself.
Not when I have always, always, always done something wrong.
But really, to you? You don't need this anymore, Katie. I'm not helpful.
Now, I simply am.
I'm stuck with being hungry for somebody, somebody like you, to feel my dreams.
Because against the odds it happened; someone listened, and look what I did.
The most terrifying thing in the world is that I was correct.
All you needed to do was listen... and you did.
I.... was... right.
Report · 12:38am
Honey, I'm not fixed
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No.
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I'm masked better
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No you are not.
Fixed.
Report · 12:39am
Listen to?
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But there's a difference in you.
That's what I was looking for, that difference, and I found it.
For my tiny, tiny bit, I helped.
And all you had to do was listen.
I want to beat my head against the wall.
I am, after all, being selfish.
You need sleep.
You have a job to do this morning.
Go, friend, my slightly-better friend.
Sleep.
Report · 12:41am
And I'll see you tomorrow and hug you and tell you your allowed to be confused and lost and 18
Report · 12:41am
I know exactly where I am.
It's the world that's confused.
I will not be eighteen again.
Not if it means the look in Finley's eyes.
Not if it means this much hurt, that otherwise, I could hide and repress--have hidden, have repressed, so successfully.
Report · 12:42am
That's so... sad
Report · 12:43am
And complicated. And dream-made.
And useless.
Report · 12:44am
:(:(
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....Useless.
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Nothing is fully usualess
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Not lacking in substance. Useless.
Report · 12:44am
Can't argure with you.
You won't listen to me
Report · 12:45am
I want to.
I want to listen to someone, Katie.
"Can I be your star sister? Can I at least be that?"
(He frowned at the faery nonsense, the beliefs of the uneducated.... saw her eyes.)
"Yes," he answered, "you can at least be that."
I don't want to hear that I'm beautiful or different, Katie.
Just.... tell me what they mean to you.
Tell me they mean.... something... to you. That I do something.
Report · 12:47am
They mean?
You mean something to me, lots to me.
Report · 12:48am
Dreams, Katie.
Me and my dreams.
Report · 12:49am
Oh yes, dreams mean lots
It's the reason I'm better
Not Renee, dreams
Report · 12:51am
What do they mean to you?
Report · 12:52am
Freedom
Fighing
Getting going
Drive for something better
Report · 12:55am
Thank you, Katie.
I hurt, but I'm not... stricken by it... anymore.
It is barable.
*bearable
Report · 12:55am
Love you
See you tomorrow
mmmmmmmk?
Report · 12:56am
Yes...
Report · 12:56am
And you can be upset and sad and angry and w.e
just make sure I can hug you
Report · 12:57am
My heart hurts for myself.
I am not... used.... to that.
Report · 12:57am
Way to think about yourself...
Report · 12:58am
I want to help me. I think that is good...?
Shakes head More to think about, but you should go to sleep.
I'll see you for the morning.
Report · 1:00am
... Be safe
Report · 1:00am
For your heart and his, I am always... safe.
Safe... for you.
Report · 1:01am
safe for you my dear
Report · 1:02am
I don't know what that means.
Report · 1:02am
Be safe for me and fin and for yourself
Report · 1:02am
I have no desire to injure myself physically.
That would be cowardice.
Report · 1:03am
Mentally?
Don't mess yoursaelf up iunless it's going to end in help
Report · 1:03am
I cannot help that. Such is the crux of brilliance.
Sleep, Katie.
I love you, I'm safe. Now sleep.