Special

That's it.
There's a set date and much less Sun.
Figuratively speaking,
I'm moving to Alaska.

By saying that, by trying to get someone to talk to me
listen to me
I've managed to upset my Moon.

I don't know what you wanted me to say
when you asked me for advice
because if it were me
I wouldn't have taken on so many things in the first place
then, that's why you're ahead in the world, isn't it?

Because people like me, people who are afraid and want someone to talk to
more than anything
go slow and reasonably, and you push hard to get what you want

It was wrong to expect you to wait for me
when you were already living.
That was unreasonable, totally and completely
what else could I expect?

Finley's right, you don't need me

I'm done with Band and church
especially if they're breaking you like they broke Michelle,
done.

I doubt anyone will even notice.

Maybe Michelle.

I'll take my bible from the bookshelf in Brad's apartment (not yours, now)
and read it once in awhile, to compensate
but I will not sit through Kevin, preaching what I did wrong
even if I'll miss Russ' sermons, Kevin's I will not miss at all
Sam's condescension, not even a bit


No, they won't miss me.

God won't miss me, either, since he's always with me


You have problems with this new lifestyle
and I'd help if you asked
the thing is, there isn't a lot I can do

I can't give you lots of money
can't put you up in some beautiful house filled with fun things to do

I can't tell you, drop a job
and maybe take out a loan for her tuition before you kill yourself over it
because you should not kill yourself for another's future
especially if you're not sure they're staying.

Trust me,
that much I know,
that hurts a lot.

Do you even read this anymore?
You're past the ''Kate'' stage
and the thing is, the thing I realized today
is that I am part of the ''Kate'' stage, too
and now that you're happy again
you don't need me
exactly, exactly like I said would happen

I wished then I was wrong, but I was not
and it doesn't matter how much I love you

not if you're moving on
and you are
and I should never, ever, ever
have hoped to dream differently
that somehow I'd figure this out
and you'd be different and not give up my Magic for you

but I can't figure things out I haven't done yet, Katie
especially not when you already know what you should do and are angry at me for trying
especially not when you have other people who you know turn to first with things like that
since I'm useless, useless,
and very discarded for your new life.

The life I've always wanted for you.

"I've gotten greedy payton

I want her happy...

but not without me"

Yeah. Know how you feel. 

I can't follow my advice in response, Katie.

I can't follow you. You have to have realized that?

I will try very hard, but I can't.

There was also a new blog post I didn't understand there. 

I meant to ask you about it

but you scared the shit out of me with the anger and frustration

especially when I really just wanted to leave since you didn't want us there

especially when I am dreadfully and totally afraid of storms

You didn't mean to hurt me.

I know you didn't, and I can't ask you to change your life for me.

No one can ask that,

no one would listen if somebody did,

but I'm still tempted to.

Because I love you.

That's always mattered to you,

and now you don't have time for it....

that's what I get for being dependent on too much sun

I hurt my Moon's heart defending you

I can't sleep for fear of losing--not just you---my friends

I am tired of people not answering me. 

I am tired of blending in. 

I am heart-wrenched by it. 

ALSO? Also? 

I found a conversation in my archives the other day.

It was you and I, and me helping you

but because I KEEP my promises, I won't say where or over what

and you told me you wouldn't say anything

but you're the only one I talked to about that thing I knew

and you lied to me over it. 

At least forgot you promised me. 

And that's why Kate was mad.

I don't think it mattered that I tried not to say anything over it

and even tried to discourage you

you got it out of me anyway, 

and then told her I told you just because? 

....seriously? 

I love you so much Katie. 

And now you've grown up...

I haven't. 

And you won't be around to help me

even though I always was for you.

You know what my fear is, Katie?
Your post on Dependence....
it wasn't on me, was it?

There was a time I would have known for sure
those fun days when you told me your heart and I was happy to know it
now it just hurts.
it's like there's a void where your heart is supposed to be...





today I looked, and looked, and looked
and couldn't find it
and cried over it.






Ow. Ow. Ow.