You think I don't know
that your heart is complicated right now?
I am not
your obligation
and I do not
expect to be.
Especially not
in the face of your experiences, Katie.
The ones I *can't* fix.
The ones I sense, and understand
and can offer nothing for
but my always-open arms.
As for me?
A blow of old pain
is still old
and still stinging in my heart
for being different
(while my greatest crux as well you know)
it isn't your job;
don't think I don't know that.
I write for myself,
too.
I'm reviewing with Finley today.
Driving, not people
because I'm used to them
used to editing
used to throwing on a smile.
Driving?
Not so much.
Iron scares me.
Seriously, it's a habit by now
one I cannot retract
one I am good at acting around.
But it'll let me see you.
You think I don't tell you my heart?
You'd be right.
You think you know why?
You'd be wrong.
It's complicated, Katie.
It just is.
I'm not saying yours isn't
I'm talking about me.
My heart is causing me to freak out
has been for months
and I'm sorry if one sentence got your goat.
I'll make sure
to warn Hannah
in advance.
For now,
I'll stop infringing on your
treasured life as much as I can;
not only because I feel bad that I need to be near you
but also
because hiding my heart is tiring
after all this time
after the first part has burned away
Katie, the rest won't leave me
no matter how much I try
to convince myself otherwise.
After all
you have other friends
and even if this will kick the fuck out of me
it'll be easier than trying to untie my lips
and tell you the truth.
Those words I want to tell you
tell you in my nightmare-like dreams
before you walk out on me.
For all my writing,
words on some things just won't come
relationships just won't change
not just because I wish they would
even if Finley knows now
and told me that it's okay with him.
there's a lot dependent on me
and I hate it
I don't mean the work or schooling
well maybe the schooling, I hate it there
I hate smiling and speaking and being ignored
just like before
I hate it when I try to plan something with new friends
ones I thought I had
and I see the gleam in their eyes that says, "Shit"
before they make some polite excuse.
So yes,
that's "old"
But Katie, that's what my life is like.
When I'm not talking to you,
Fucking it up with poor Kate, who yes, I still cry over
which I know you understand, that second line, there
or trying to explain things he isn't used to to Finley
those things being the drama of women
the heart-sores of Payton
(Why?
Why isn't he used to them?
Because I used to give them to you
and for the biggest stuff I have right now,
I feel like I can't.
Not with how you are right now
not with how I AM right now
it just...)
My tongue is silent
and I write to myself.
Because people won't listen when I speak.
Remember when that guy opened a door into my face on the phone?
They do that every day, without the door
and because I love them, I apologize for it.
Always will;
I really can't help it by now
Kate told me the same thing, that I shouldn't
and I tried
and Kate started talking to me
in the long run, I don't know if it worked or not
but now it leaves me scared.
What that means is
when your life gets interesting and busy and all the things I want it to be
I freak the fuck out
because I'm trying not to tell you how dependent I am on you
because it scares me twice as much as she does.
Oh, there's much to it than that
but I'm doing the right thing
yes, I am sure
I'm leaving you out of it
because I'll say things I mean
say things that will make me different to you
say things you do not want.
This sucks three times as hard
when all I want to do
when all I want to fight for, be alive for
is to see you smile.
Smile, and be happy
and let me know your heart
the way she did.
I didn't mean
to bother you
but that Post?
...It was for me.
I don't expect
your aid
to my dull and battered heart
you have much more to do
than me
don't think
that I don't know that now.
You know what, Katie?
I still want to help you
and I still want to listen.
*Sighs*
Don't forget that one especially
I think it's more important
than all the rest here
the rest that involves me is nothing
if I can work to make you happy...
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