I wish I could say that today was perfectbecause it started out and nearly was.
I felt okay, until I saw her
until she smiled the Allegra smile
until I ran away from Katie as fast as I could, hiding my tears,
trying not to tell Katie,
She loves you, she loves you.
She does.
Or at least she thinks she does.
Oh, fuck, do I know she's going to pick up my sunlight
throw her aside like she were garbage
and blame somebody else for it, I sense it coming.
That didn't matter.
I told Kate I was a bitch and offered her a puppy,
ignoring my suffocating heart, holding back the tears
to make my Katie smile.
That's how I work.
It's all I know how to do, no matter how much pain I feel
when they came together, holding hands, through my woods
I could not see or hear them, no, but I could feel them
The feel of warmth from their hands entertwined made me reel
made me try to flee
made me wish the shadows on the ground would wrap a knot around my heart
and tie it tight, so tight.
And then I told Kate how to make it out of there
and then I tried really hard not to scare, but pretend I was trying
and then I ran into the woods
where I hid for groups last year, waiting for them
and I cried.
I cried in the light of the moon,
I cried in the lonely, low-hung night
I couldn't help it; no matter how happy they were
my heart was killing me, and I cried
and the tears made my second face fall from me
when I got back, a group started to touch me
their hands ran over my shoulders, my chest,
tearing the velcro suit-tie as I undid my belt,
them pulling on my legs
and I wanted to let them do it
I knew what they wanted, and I wanted to let them
maybe if I hurt outside, the inside wouldn't be so bad
the tears wouldn't singe my cheeks like fire from Hell--
but Theresa was behind them
and she screamed and pulled me out, and Kelly came running
and they laughed and pushed and ran from me
and the pleading I wanted to give for the pain
was ended by Theresa, asking
'Who where they? What happened?'
I went back to work
realizing that fear is meant for those
who give a shit if they live or die.
I do not.
Then, another group
one of elder women with glowsticks on their pretty, thin necks
I walked up behind them, screamed
and they ran inside except for one woman
who ran after me when I turned back to leave the Vortex
and hit me in the face
and I fell off the railing onto the burlap
and let the burrs sink into my skin
tear-stained paint ripping from me.
It doesn't matter.
Any of it.
My heart is broken.
I didn't want it to be, I don't want it to be still
I especially don't want it to be anyone's fault
but when I close my eyes and picture them together
the light in my heart goes out
and I cry.
I try so hard not to let it happen
but it does,
it always does.
Time to go back to work....
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