When I wake in the mornings
discombobulated by a surplus of vision
(running through the forest in a white dress,
looking for someone I love....
I found you, alright
dead as a doornail,
you woke me when I was murmuring in your hair
with a shot of the Finley right behind
his long jacket tails twitching as he ran to find
the source of the screaming
"Please don't be dead."
Quiet at first, gentle.
"Don't leave. Please."
Unreasonable. Who did I think I was?
"I love you. I love you so much;
please come back."
I took you in my arms.
"I can't tell you how much I lov--"
The familiar words die in my throat.
"I love you more than I'll admit,"
I continue, using the scary paraphrase I don't like to acknowledge;
the tears running while I nuzzle your non-responsive face
"I couldn't tell you when you were alive, but it's different now..."
Wind billows on my face, and it alarms me; I lower my voice.
"It's different now. I can tell you that I never stopped loving you.
Not from the beginning.
When we were laughing about Kate, I loved you.
I saw you broken and I loved you.
I saw you fighting to get better and I loved you twice as much.
You were.... a good person... Katie.
God will welcome you.
You'll hear much more of that later, but this..."
As I'm speaking this unnecessary monologue to you,
what we're seeing is Finley, still running.
Apparently I covered a lot of ground.
"This is my moment, and...and Katie...
If things had been different...."
The words die in the Rose-made throat, again.
I couldn't say it. Not even now.
It would've been beautiful if I had,
eternal if I had, honest if I had, but I can't.
Love does that,
and I woke with my name on your lips
and your hand on my arm
and the light on my face. )
and my throat is too sore to move
and my eyes have sleep attacking them
and my ears are striving to hear your voice, and can't make sense of it
can't make sense of something I close my eyes and sigh when I hear
I don't tell you how beautiful you look today.
I don't tell you how much.... I... you were there. That means something to me.
I don't tell you how much I was amused by your grumpiness,
how apologetic I was for that hacking dry cough that tried to tear my chest apart last night
and no doubt your ears to boot.
I don't tell you anything about Ryan talking to me again, asking for advice
or my dark Zach, reeling in his pain like you did, me watching it happen again
I don't tell you about the almost thoughts that haunt me when I sit with you
because giving them words will make them more real than I want to admit.
I don't tell you about your Kitten's unease for my words to her
when you stepped out last night
words about you, us
I don't ask where you were when you come back, acknowledging the truth
that I no longer have a right
I don't tell you the smile isn't entirely for the rap battles,
it's for you, it's watching you be happy and being rewarded for my presence by
your heart melting my heart
like sunlight on the snow.
I don't tell you my plans for Battleon, how I've finally figured out my revenge
that is, that I'm not taking any, that this is a new age and I can build up what I had again
easily, and it'll give me something to focus on, something to fight for
besides your honored name and Finley's waiting promises.
I don't tell you how much I want to go home, collapse, and sleep
sleep and dream of you
because I do that, apparently, right next to you or now
some part of my heart is worried for you,
and I don't know why.
I don't tell you about what I want to.
It'd fill the car with words you don't really want to hear,
and I save them.
I offer them to you with my eyes, my heart's open like a book
flip past chapter one, it's a list of what you took from me.
Chapters two and three are on the Dragon, nothing more
Chapters four and five are on the Roses and their war
Chapters Six and seven are on sordid expectation
Chapter eight is on my Wiese, featuring my heart on his sleeves
Chapters nine through ninety are the fucks who broke my heart
Chapter ninety one is you and Fin, pulling their hurt apart.
Always open like a book,
always open like a book
a long, long one that you know you'll never really read
not in one sitting, so not at all.
Its' dedication is to two people....
But for you, today, Katie
I write a few, few tiny things
I'd really love to say.
No comments:
Post a Comment