Warning: I will not change the way I am. I can try, but I never will really.
Secondary warning: This is one of those posts where I rant and bitch. Because it's a blog, and that's what I'm supposed to do.
Here's how my life is working right now
I hand somebody my heart and they tapdance on it
they stomp on it, it isn't for them
it's too old or too rare or too different
I'm a different brand of human
I'm a different taste of Love.
Nobody wants that.
I've cried in a library full of people over it
I've cleared my throat and spoke my peace to people who were allegedly accepting
I've walked with my head down for four-going-on-five years,
wishing it would change, and it won't.
People read this and tell me they'll be different
and for awhile they are
and then I offer my heart to them
and they spurn me.
I give them everything I am
everything I have
but this is not a fairytale, brothers
despite the fact my heart wants it to be
not only to they turn away
not only is it worthless since their need for it is passed
but they see it as a problem.
Love costs too much to them.
Love has a cost?
How dare you let my act of defense
of the heart you stomped on
be spoken as a defilement to my honor.
Of course, all I can want is my happiness
I haven't spent months trying to make you happy or anything
I'm also sorry that I was a little upset
that you don't
you realize it's the equal of Finley dumping me right?
You realize that's how it feels?
Of course you do, you're an intelligent young woman
and I open your blog and find a big Kate blog post.
Yup.
Nothing's changed.
You want me to be honest with you?
Fine, I'm furious
and not just because you gave her so many chances and wouldn't give me one
oh no
I'm pissed because you're fucking yourself over by dwelling on this and her.
"“You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back."
Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have been broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?"
Alec set his jaw in a stubborn line. "I want to know why you haven't called me back."
Magnus threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of utter exasperation. Alec noted with interest that when he did it, a few sparks escaped from his fingertips, like fireflies escaping from a jar. "You're an idiot."
"Is that why you haven't called me? Because I'm an idiot?"
"No." Magnus strode toward him. "I didn't call you because I'm tired of you only wanting me around when you need something. I'm tired of watching you be in love with someone else - someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do."
"You love me?"
"You stupid Nephilim," Magnus said patiently. "Why else am I here? Why else would I have spent the past few weeks patching up all your moronic friends every time they got hurt? And getting you out of every ridiculous situation you found yourself in? Not to mention helping you win a battle against Valentine. And all completely free of charge!" "
I am not a warlock, Katie
but the man makes an excellent point.
So I'm still here
I even unblocked my blog, though that took an act of will
you still have my heart.
It didn't bounce back into my chest
and now I've hurt you
I fucked us up
and I hate myself for it.
Hate myself for it
hate, hate, hate
loathe entirely
hate.... hate.... hate.
I'm sorry.
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