"Before you ignore this, it's the last one you're getting. Before I leave you in peace for what will probably be a very long time, because I'm not coming to you again until you come to me or need me for something, I just wanted to tell you... You owe me a letter. You owe me one, single letter, please. You promised me you were writing it, when I actually was mistaken enough to think you wanted me as your friend. All I want to know is why, Kate. If you have questions about Katie and I and what we talked about, I will tell you.
"That things about her that made me happy?
Gosh it seems like it's been so long since I've really though about it.."
"I don't mean to nose your personal life with a fork or anything... I just thought it might help to remember the good things.
It helps me, when I'm sad."
"Yeah? But won't it make you more sad?
remembering what you're missing?"
"Missing?
I have it to remember it at all.
If I didn't remember it, I wouldn't have had it at all.
And wouldn't that be worse?
I love what I had.
And if I wish really hard...
You'll be happy again.
Why would hope make us sad, Katie?
You didn't lose her, not really.
You keep her in your heart.
And you can remember it when it hurts.
And it does hurt.
I know it hurts."
That is what we talk about. I make her happy, and you are barely used in our conversations. If you are, it is by me, slowly steering Katie away from it. She's moved on now, and you should be proud of her, because it was very, very hard. On her. You know that already, Kate, but you should still be proud of the best friend anybody could have in the entire world.
You hurt her more than she'll admit to you. Even in the days she trusted you, I doubt she'd admit that.
All I'm asking you is the letter you promised me you would write me, and I'll leave you alone. I will not search the soul of one who repels me, no matter how much I love you--and I do, Kate. You hurt me, too. Just for sitting next to you, you took my words and spun them like riddle and they stung me. That numbness of yours is dangerous and you should know it.
Not my business. I'm here to apologize for the lie you accused me of doing, because it hurt you, and that is not my intent. I could care less about you when I am helping Katie, Kate. I love her as much as the sun. She is my sun. She is my best friend. And if mentioning you is to help her, then I will. Loyalty is not going to be flayed by you, no matter how much I want to and could help you.
Not that it matters, since you don't care about being helped at all. Not by mons--people like me.
I'm only asking the letter you promised me, Kate.
In the name of all the worrying I do for you, and all the love I have for you, and all the times you've wounded me because of the way I am, you at least owe me that.
One-word response that you've gotten this will be sufficient. It's all I've come to expect of you.
Your heart-wrenched friend,
Payton"
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