A cellphone in my kitchen.
"Get a ride and come here, then, if it means so much to you."
"Then I will walk."
And walk, and walk.
"No you won't! Don't you dare!"
And then I am walking.
A car pulls up, and my friend runs to me
and grabs my arm as though to stop me
and my face---so hollow and wane, like I'd never seen sun--
Breathes like I've been resuscitated, and golden dust seeps from my lips like a powder
I become beautiful, suddenly, impossibly beautiful.
Too much of that. It's so wonderful it aches, but I can't dwell on it. It isn't here.
A table at how I imagine the inside of the Fireside, since I've never seen beyond the outerwall and the inner first chamber
Low-lit tables with white table cloths, red lampshades on mini-lamps
classy-dressed people, like in a ballroom
and the workers, too
And I am eating there.
I see myself in a sparkling red dress, like Jessica Rabbit's only less whore--trollop--like
My golden hair like stars, like light
Finley said, "I don't want to leave you without light, Payton."
I said, "There are lights everywhere, Fin. Just look around you!"
And he gazed at me very seriously as if I were a child and in trouble and responded, "You know what I mean."
My eyes bright blue, my skin so pale
and I am thin, with deer-like limbs
that star-hair only lightly grappled back from my face, which is somehow elf-like
This impossibly lovely me picks at food with a fork, most of it gone
not important.
Across from me, a man I do not recognize
A curled mustache, black, to match a fine tophat and combed-back hair, like night
a suit from Holmes' time, down to the waistcoat and the cane
paler skin than my white, snow white, snow white like only one other I know
eyes that are blue and pierces me, a different type of blue than mine
I look up. LiL' Wayne is on the tele for MTV.
And his voice, charming and suave as his mannerisms and movements, says, "You know why we are here, my lady."
"Do I?" My own vocals are far smoother and beautiful than normal, like a siren's song, rich and beautiful; "And what reason is that, that I know of?"
"Because you fear me, sun-ward. Because you fear who I am, and what I can do to you." His hand wraps around my own, lightly, but his eyes flash. Ravens dance across that deep, deep blue of his gaze.
"Dessert tonight?"
The waitress is one who does not believe
not in ravens of the eyes.
"Yes" I begin, in too high-pitched a voice and she eyes with me with an intense and utter anger, "Yes. Please." My gaze searches hers. Gold powder on my lips. "Kate, Listen to me--"
"My friend here has always had an eye for things that are sweet, haven't you, my lady?" My charming friend chortles; his gun digging into my exposed thighs threateningly.
Kate looks at me with judgment. Am I cheating on Finley?
"Run," I mouth, "Run, Kate."
The nameless one with the black thief says, "You are a friend of Eliac's! How... charming. How sweet. Why, if it weren't delight herself, knocking at my front door!" He pulls out a wad of hundred-dollar bills and hands them to her, his fingers lingering on her hand; and she sinks into a flawless smile.
She sways and I catch her. "Arsene! Stop!" I plead, "She hasn't done anything wrong. Please!"
Schiffy is fixing my computer. I tell him my system name through a relay system involving cellphones, other minor details. Fucking viruses.
Kate's eyes open. "E-eliac.... doesn't.... not..." Not real. Not mine.
I breathe on him, the gold powder scattering; and he grabs me. Kate bumbles to the floor.
And he kisses me, eyes hungry, and suddenly a huge dragon emerges from his empty flesh and blows fire.
"Real," I say to Kate, hugging her to me, and hold up my hand; and a great blue ball of light surrounds us--we are the only three there. The others have vanished. When I lower it, Kate's eyes are closed. The top bill from Arsene's pile is slightly burned, but still usable. Others are still there. The dragon is gone, and so is the building, ruins flickering faintly.
Dopplegangers. Doctor Who. River Song.
Jack. "I am always your temptation, Eliac. Don't try to tell me different; don't you try to say I'm not!"
"Weigh the pros and cons."
Shit, I need one of you here for this! Where are my heavens?!
Dinner at the Fireside, the way I've always imagined it.
I am eating alone, quite plain.
"Hello, Kate."
She punches me in the face.
I look down on my hand, see no magic, and weep.
I close my eyes. A treehouse. Love. Hugging Katie, Finley. Safe, safe.
"You seem to think you have a choice, Payton. I can tell you to do whatever I want."
"If I, Lord Tolien, want something I'm damn well getting it regardless of what the council thinks...and I want you."
Lost. Lost. Lost.
My brain and heart are conflicted with themselves, and I keep running through the difference, not the answer.
I want my friend. I want my heart.
Can't get them.
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