Special

I had nightmares that kept my eyes open. I could almost sense them, waiting for me when I slept. I still wanted to sleep, though. Some basic human instinct drives us to do so. I even went to bed early, JessePalooza's today and I'll be up late and early and all that, but my body wouldn't let me sleep. And when it did let me sleep, it gave me nightmares.

Some parts, brief ones, were good. Things I know won't ever really happen. Kate and I having a snowball fight. My tree house. Katie coming into my room randomly when she got back and saying, "Renee has me forever, because I love her. She'll see me first thing, but you know what? I'm in fort now. She might be my forever.... but that doesn't mean I can't miss you, too." and then just sitting next to me. Holding me the way I always want to hold my friends.

But also, mostly, bad things. A play I'd read once suddenly had me cast in it. I didn't know the lines. I tried, but I didn't do well. And Schultz, during the interrogation scene--though it was not, from what I gather, a murder mystery--asked horrible things of the cast, who was misbehaving. I'd never seen my hero that cold, and it wounded me. Real me more than dream-me, I might add. Dream-me was like Puck, the prankster, even in appearance and clothing.

A man who climbed mountains getting trapped in different types of ice, always facing different types of monsters there. Horrible monsters, not-there readers. Frozen tails and claws and dead-flesh coloring. Details I do not want to recall; as they sent me running out of my bed when I woke up. I woke up on the floor in my downstairs living room.

Everything hurts and I am tired when my alarm goes off.

So upset. I miss so many people..... I miss Kate and Hannah, Morgan and April, Johnny and Kellie, Kya and Conner, I miss Schultz. I miss them so much my heart is sickened with it, so much it hurts.

Music will creep into me today. Music will keep me sane.


So many others have tried, but music will do it. Music always listens, even when people don't.

Even when you are like me and love people so much it hurts. Even then.




Especially then.


"Yes, I hear you. Get up, you say! Well, clock, even you can't order me to stop dreaming....." -Cinderella