My final letter was this:
"Since we’re done talking after this anyway, I have nothing to lose. I have no reason not to fucking tear my talons into you over what you did to Katie.
Who I love. A lot. Who I’d do anything for. I love her easily as much as I love Finley. She’s my best and only true friend. She’s one of the only people I’ve talked to all summer, and she, unlike you, has not failed or left me. She smiles when I’m different and helps me when I’m said. She is, in essence, the perfect friend; the best friend… one you do not deserve. At all.
So let me tell you, Kate.
Katie thought I was crazy, too. The difference between you two is that she gave enough of a rat’s ass to realize I WASN’T.
When I got honors and went to that Dinner thing, I don’t know if you were there, I got a text from Katie. Seriously. Katie. I was so happy to hear from her until I saw that she was, even in text form, totally heartbroken. The butterflies *don’t* last, Kate. Ever.
Anyway, Katie texted me. Why? Because she loves me. More than she does you. Because while you were grinding her ass into the ground and having pity parties over your ‘terrible life,’ I was offering my hand. I was diverting her away from mentioning your name in our soul-searching talks together, because I didn’t want to look into her eyes and see that hurt there again. That pain you bestowed was a power you had no right to have, Kate, and one I feared you--a truly dangerous ‘rose’--would use if you found out about it… and you did. Often. Without even caring or accepting it, you did that. And I found her in her broken self, and helped her start to mend. Which you would never, never have done.
Short term, you were a lying manipulative bitch who hurt my friend and I had to pull her ass out of trouble. I had to help her pull the pieces you left lying around together, because there were times where she cried. That might be hard to accept, the whole ‘she’s not a piece of meat but a human being who loved you more than most people will ever really understand unless they’re ‘crazy’ like me’ thing, but it’s true. Just because I reminded her she WASN’T a piece of shit to other people, her heart felt a smidgin better. That she was WORTH something. That you WEREN’T what she thought you were--which at times I said just for her, because at that point, I actually believed you a human being with feelings and consideration for others. Clearly, that illusion was later disbanded.
I helped her. She let me, she’s a lot more complicated, wonderful, and pure-hearted than you’ll ever be, and I did it. Which sure as fuck means I could have helped you if you’d let me, which you won’t. Which I cry over at night more often than I’ll ever tell you, because given what I know of you, you’ll find some way to make me look like an obsessive shit hole over those tears.
Every word you told me in fear I knew was right, I swallowed in the name of good will, but I have no reason or purpose to protect you from yourself now. You DID hurt her. I DO think you did it on purpose, because you won’t tell me differently. You DID do the wrong thing. And it was my greatest honor in the entire world to be chosen as somebody who deserved to help somebody as wonderful as Katie is…
Especially since I envy the flying fuck out of you. I envy how pretty you are and the opportunities you’ve wasted--every opportunity from not having to dig puss out of your sibling’s ass to eating sugary foods just for shits and giggles to looking beautiful without even trying to what you could have had with Katie if you’d had the guts to take it--especially for those reasons. Many, many reasons, Kate. I’d tell them to you, but that would involve me telling you why I like you, and you don’t give a shit whether or not the sane person likes you, so I’ll leave them out.
Katie and I had sleepovers. She beat me at connect four when I was trying, which I did not have to do when playing you. Katie and I would watch movies and I’d fall asleep curled up next to her, happy and full of light, just because she was there. You see, unlike you, when Katie is upset, she cares enough to help other people. She isn’t a conceited ball of shit, she CARES. My Katie cares and you HURT her. You eclipsed THE SUN. And oh, oh, did I want to hurt you for it, Kate. She was so empty when you were gone. It was to me--the ‘crazy’ one--to fill her with love and light and music and memories, was to me to build her back up when you GOT BORED and LEFT HER. Just because it wasn’t EASY.
And here’s me, defending you from the play people who got sick of your shit day after day. Here’s me, trying and kicking and screaming to give you a hug when you’re down, and there’s you, walking away, and never caring. Ever. Calling me a crazy liar behind my back, because that’s what cool people do.
I have to live with the knowledge that you are nothing like me and apparently want to be nothing alike. Even if it’d be better for a lot of people if you did try that, try to change from who you are now…. And when I say ‘a lot of people’, I’m including you in there. It’d be better for you, too.
Not to mention what I know about Dan. No, I’m not talking about our conversation, but I am sure talking about Dan. I should really tell you exactly what I know about him, but I won’t. Won’t tell you what I know about what you did to Katie, either, besides that you fucking shook her up and I wanted to wring that swan-white neck.
Snow white. I didn’t notice it until you said something, but you’re right; Kate. You ARE that cold.
Except that I think cold is too kind. ‘Cold’ implies that you have feelings, and I’m not sure that you have even that. At the very least, not the way I do, Kate. Katie does. Katie’s my sun for a reason. Katie’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and every time she mentions your name without that pain creeping into her eyes, I hear the angels singing in the heavens for my pride. I am so proud that she saw past your manipulative bullshit--which is what everyone said, by the way, Kate, your friends and hers both, and I heard it. When you hurt her, I picked her up. I saved her. And you are the villain, Kate. You were right there, too.
We all heard it, and didn’t tell you. Why? Because people think you keep too much inside like some fucking volcano. Why? BECAUSE YOU DO.
I also notice that Katie’s other friends don’t trick me into tears when I go to their house for sleepovers. Maybe that’s just me.
Since you hate me anyway, why not throw some truth in there?
Payton"
I'm done hearing I'm crazy. I am all done. I'm done hearing that you aren't listening just because you don't feel like it, done with that too.
I asked my hero, and was told I had done the right thing by telling the truth. I did it as tactlessly as possible. This will hurt her. Hurt her like she hurt me. I feel so sad and kick myself over it until I remember staring at Katie one of the first times she came over.
I remember feeling her big heart and realizing I loved her. More than I should love anyone. Dangerously more than. I remember looking at her tree-trapped eyes and seeing how much she'd been hurt, and vowing to myself to change it.
Today, I did.
But I do not revel in the pain required to keep that oath, Kate. Not that it matters since you'll hold it in, anyways...
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