I've changed enough to change my soul,
I think, I think, I think
So today I changed it for you
show you the wild, the beauty, but still a flag for olden time civility
I hope you like it. Honestly.
...Because I do.
I think it's beautiful in a way I'm not, or maybe I am.
Half the fun is in the fact I'm not quite sure.
Today, Renee invited me on an adventure.
To Superior. She said she didn't want to drive alone.
I know what that's like. I fear driving, period.
"I'll go with if you want," I joked with a grin, elbowing her.
It's easy for me to find out why one person falls in love with another.
I feel for the person who loves, feel the pieces they've given to each other
and in that moment I saw it.
She had a grateful smile.
Like she was a little worried about her trip
and there was a little Katie in her stance and eyes
and that made me smile, too
made me feel less lonely--happy.
Happier'n I've been in awhile.
We played Nancy Drew, iSketch
we laughed and watched funny Youtube videos
and Renee wrote me a silly letter.
She let me keep it since it was in my notebook.
Here it is:
"Payton Pie :)
Hi! Hello! Good morning.
You're looking at a fantabulous treehouse online. It's beautiful.
I'm sitting next to you. Weeee!
I hope my madre says it's okay for you to come up north w/ me. It would be a splendid time. You're cat is so adorable! <3 I wish I could steal her. Lalalala.
Herman sherman werman german. Hear that sound? That's the sound of forgiveness. Let's make a quiddich (don't know how to spell?)
league, and make youtube videos every week. Apparently putting inanimate objects on your head is a way to get people to like your videos and I'll make ''the face'' in the background.
Goodnight!
<3 Renee (not Renee Armande... diff Renee)"
It made me laugh and laugh, because we'd been watching TV and she's too polite to change the channel.
I'll keep it, Katie. It's going next to our thankful sheets. I saw a little of you in her. It made me miss you a little less... have I mentioned I miss you terribly? It's okay. You're going on adventures, you're learning your heart again and conquering the bad things now that you have the courage and strength to stand up to that clawed cat of ours. You know... the one that hasn't purred in awhile.
I'm happy for that piece of you. Especially since Renee doesn't seem to mind sharing. :) Friendships are good. She even called me. Without me even doing anything. Just because she could and she was lonely, too.
But I forgot! I forgot to finish my story.
So I made that joke and she gave me that look that meant so much because it gave me hope for you two, as people and friends and lovers or whatever, and then she was all... "Would you come?"
I laughed. "Seriously?"
She thought a minute. (We were walking to Shopko to buy candy.)
"Yeah. I'd love to have you. I'd HATE to make that drive alone. And heck, I brought Katie last time and people didn't mind, they were all 'you brought a person'! So why not you?"
"And I'll get to meet your cats! And be your friend. Hell, as long as there are people who won't mind that I'm a little bit of an oddity, why not?"
"You'll get to see where I grow up," she grinned. "I'll ask my mom if it's okay. Hope it is. You'll have to find something to do during that baby shower--I'm the only friend allowed there--but besides that... you know, I'd really love to have you!"
"I'll saunter around the streets, talk a walk."
"Um. Not a good idea. You'd probably be offered a hook job."
"Ha! Let 'em try. I'll talk 'em down. I'll say, 'How much will I be paid? Is experience required? Do you smoke anything illegal? If something goes wrong, should I call the cops?' And they'll practically sprint off."
She grinned.
"I heard nobody tells the truth there," I said carefully, not pressing, just curious.
"EXACTLY!" she said, "It's ridiculous. Everybody over their asses there to lie and whatever, even over really, really stupid stuff!" Renee went on a mini-rant, not holding back. It occurred to me... she trusted me.
"It's beautiful there, in Deluth I mean, but there are just so many assholes around..."
"We should run the assholes out," I said, "tourism'd go up by fifty percent... you'd probably get the key to city."
She laughed. "Right! We should do it."
"Set me on 'em. I'll talk them up so much they'll beg you to run off." And not be by myself in the house. Not go stir-crazy. Renee I barely know you and you're offering me an adventure. It's... it's just so... Katie. It's something she'd do. Rescuing, I mean.
I was wrong. You will be happy. If only because I see in your face you'll fight, tooth and nail, until you are.
I don't know what I did to deserve another friend, Renee....
But thank you.
For the first time I don't hurt because things are changing. I'm excited to try something new. You didn't even know and you made me better. As somebody who tries to make things better, I'm stunned. And admiring.
Katie's sure in capable hands.
And trust me, Renee: if there's one compliment I can give you, the greatest honor I can leave anybody with is to protect my Katie. Not that she needs it, you know? I just worry. I just want somebody to love her the way I do, only... different. Because obviously it's not that type of relationship.
And as of right now, I'm giving it to you. Not the relationship, but the trust you'll do what is right in the end. Stuff like that.
And even though you don't read this anymore, Kate?
THAT'S how friends talk to each other. THAT'S how friends trust, and love. We tell each other secrets and laugh.... you don't make them cry.
Ever.
I've unfriended you on Facebook. It took me courage and tears to do it, but I did. You hurt me one too many times. And this girl--this pretty, kind girl who I barely known--has shown me more friendliness and love (yes, love) than you ever have. Ever. She doesn't even know my heart and she loves me.
I'll forgive you. I'll help you if you need me or want an ACTUAL friend. Or if you want to apologize. Or to talk to me, and actually listen this time. The day you aren't too much of a coward to do it. The day you stop hiding behind your dysfunctional relationship, I'll be around. I'll be waiting.
Rant aside.... Superior! A new friend!
I knew that dream meant something. I just knew it.
I love you, Katie. And the more I learn about your heart the more I love it. And I love your Renee, too.
It is nice to have a friend again...
In truth, even though I completely understand and appreciate your hard work and wishes, that I have missed from you.
After all, Katie. Even angels can't be everywhere.
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