Special

"Katie coming into my room randomly when she got back and saying, "Renee has me forever, because I love her. She'll see me first thing, but you know what? I'm in fort now. She might be my forever.... but that doesn't mean I can't miss you, too." and then just sitting next to me. Holding me the way I always want to hold my friends...."

I'll always remember that you came, you know. Even when I forget where you went, or you forget the path into my home, I will remember that. I will remember that and forget less trivial things; for example the creepy old man at Stop n' Go who gave me a cow-purchasing eye as I walked past him with the caffeine-free sprite.

Maybe I should start over, blog. After all, it is perhaps an injustice to you, throwing this on you without explaining why, delving into praise for my heart like I do. My heart.... my heart. So I will tell you differently, instead.

I suppose we should start with darkness. My eyes were closed, my cellphone close in case of emergency. Finley was asleep, too. He holds on to me, even in his sleep does he do that.  And I heard my phone.

You know, I had my phone on because of the quote at the beginning of this post. Because I cling to my dreams like the scent of musk clings to a museum or old hotel sheets; always, constantly, and it never quite washes out.

And I had not one, but many! From Katie! Katie had come home, and instead of going to sleep, she came to see... me. She did it. She totally completed a dream, just because she read my blog and could. Just because she missed me, even a little.

First text.

"Wake up. (2:07 a.m.)"

I'm sorry, Katie. I did not.

Second text.

"Okay maybe that's wishful thinking. I'm going to wait out front of your house for another ten minutes and when you don't wake... you will call me first thing in the morning okay? Constant texting for ten commence. (2:12 a.m.)"

Third text. These are all very witty and funny and... you. You, you with the face! No, not you. YES, YOU! No, the other guy--Do you like tacos?

"I'll be there! With a love that will shelter yoooou! (2:12 a.m.)"

My heart, you say that like it is special... your love is always a shelter to me. It is precious. Anyone who thinks differently is going to get a murder telegram from this guy right here.

At that one, I woke. I guess it was the word 'love'. I am always awake for that! I answer.

"Here!" That text was stupid, but please understand and forgive me, words. I was semi-conscious. All I knew--without even looking I knew who it was--was that she was here. She was coming. It was okay; she was home. Even semi-conscious, I still knew it was you. I still felt that bubble that says sunlight is here. Daylight is here; I'm safe and happy again. You're home.

"Finley," I said gently, "you have to let me out of bed now."

"What?" he mumbled, and then he saw me with half-open eyes and smiled. My smile. The smile God and Finley made for me, alone in a moment of mercy on my life. "Payton," he said, snuggling into me. "Payton..."

And I slipped out of bed and put on something other than my bed clothes--a dress, grey flowers, a purple underdress. Phone again.

"I missed you. And i have book for up to oogle over! And i want to see you. NOW."

Oh dear. 'Tis in capslock. Perhaps she will beat me; I am slightly over ten minutes?

"Yes! Come outside woman!"

You know, I still thought I was dreaming. I felt my feet on the stairs and was a little confused as to how they'd gotten there, but I knew I was going somewhere important. Somewhere good.

And I did. There she was in that red shirt and the fading, darker hair just walking. Katie walking. Katie step and Katie movement. Slowly. Like it was important I knew she was walking.

And then I did not walk. Then I ran.  I ran straight for her like it was all that mattered; and at that moment, it was.

And then she hugged me. It was a real, I-missed-you hug, a real friend hug, a hug that said things I am happy to understand. A real I've-had-an-adventure, take-some-of-it hug. A real you-have-me-for-now. One of those moments where you realize how much you missed someone much more than you thought you did.

My heart ached from it. It'd been two weeks; nothing. A blink of your eyes in a life for living, and I was already hungry for my friend. My real friend. Not my pseudo friend, but my equal. Someone who knew and loved me the way Finley did, only without the encumbered part of baring my weight for eternity. You know my sunlight is MY eternity....

And I was talking to her. And I don't remember what we talked about, I surely had nothing interesting to say. I remember talking about the Doctor. I remember swaying like a Petlar (a creature from Thundercats, a flower who lives for a few hours for a human-emotionally-full lifespan and then dies), from being cold from my sleeveless dress, being tired.

Truly, while I first spoke to you, while my little young-sponge mind was soaking up the fact that you were there, I kept repeating Anna Gravinsky's words in my head: "You will wake up now, please. Completely."

And so I did.

I remember talking about our blogs. I will check yours before I return to my warm bed and my Finley; I promised you I would and I will.

I remember talking about Doctor Song. River Song.

I remember saying, "I am awake, now. I was not before, but now I am."

I remember your poor nose, stuffing in envy over your love for my cat, and not it. I remember your worry on that particular allergen given your future with it at the moment. I remember the conversation that you and I are equally, and at different reasons, done with the Murley known to us as Kate.

I remember... something...? about a tea party. Mm. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening well. I was trying, but the words were playing soccer with my ears, and my team had the better goalie. I would've won, truly and completely, against an incorporeal thing like words, but I was too busy looking at you to score. Too busy trying to understand that you were here. That you came to see me.

I remember saying silly things about the Lady Tortisa... I love that story. Sometime, I will tell it to you, if you are in a mood for listening. It is a good one. 

I remember going to my Grandparent's and that I'd be home by Wednesday, in time for Band. 

You offering Game night, I remember that. And I quite agree. Provided, of course, that we have some variety. Do you know Amanda Nevine? She has some truly interesting ones. Like Funglish. Not Whatzit. Fuck that Whatzit.

I remember talking a bit about Schuster's. And saying I might really try to scare you this you and you being miffed about it, which amused me tremendously. I won't scare you OVERTLY. Perhaps that is fair? Compromise? 

You're home, Katie. My headache doesn't matter, my closing eyelids don't matter....

You've got your stupid wrist band, and we'll listen to my C.D., and your life is and will be busy... but you're home. 

You're home, and of all the things you could have done, you came to see me. 

Remind me what I did to deserve having you around??

Heartsong,
you are my heart song
you are above me,
but you'll be in my heart.