Special: Sorry, Kate

I'm updating the titling habit. If it's an apology, or something like a revelation, it'll get a different title. That said?

This is for you, non-reader-who-won't-see-this. :'(

I wish Kate were my friend. Maybe we could hang out, now that I'm just Payton. Not that I don't... I don't have to be Eliac anymore.

I don't think she'd see the difference, or even care.

Despite of the happiness I've experienced today... that still hurts. I think of it often; who else do I have to think of?

God, just let her talk to me once. Let her know I'm sorry if I've done something or thought something to offend her. Let her know that I'm trying to think good thoughts for her and I want her future to be happy. Let her know the first time I mentioned Dan in this blog, it wasn't all "I want to rip his guts out", it was, "I love you," because I do everyone... even him. Even if there are times I've been mad he exists, my thoughts for him are generally good.

Please?

I know it shouldn't bother me this much, it's just... Finley and Katie are the only people who knew that secret, and they were so kind to me; but I gave it to her and she threw it back. What if I'm not cool enough for her? What if she was hurt by knowing me? It isn't even that I'd be all, "get back with Katie, B@atch!" Because that's not... how I roll. I just want to help her. She's in trouble. I tend to focus more on the people that are a lost cause to me, who never wanted that heart piece to begin with.

I don't think she did.

Sorry, Kate.

P.S. the comment on LIAO, the "more than she knows" shit.... I hope you realize that I wasn't saying you don't know yourself, because I've been thinking whilst re-titling, and it came to me--I only meant that I wish you could see that you were, yourself, beautiful. You always are, to me. You hate yourself a lot, and I want that to change. You're wrong about your flaws, in general... more than I think you realize.

More than I think you know.