"...and now that the detestable girl was gone he would come to see this. So she changed her clothes five times a day, flirted, brushed against him "by accident," and would have been surprised to learn how infrequently Rom even noticed that she was there."
-A Company of Swans, shortly after Harriet's departure (The quote that reminds me of how Dan treated Kate at Winter Ball)
Today was Winter Ball. The Ball of winter. Snow graced us again, so the name wasn't a miss. I put on an old dress. Last year I had a new one, and it was great, was beautiful--and then Treela walked up to me and said, "You might be a freak, but I gotta say, that's one helluva dress." I
learned not to look beautiful. People only tear you down. This year, though, I'm borderline. My hair is wild and I have nearly greased it with hairspray to look witchy; a belt rests becomingly against my somehow still-small waist... light purple eyeshadow that glimmers against my seasonally-green eyes, and bright, red lips. Blood-red lips that match my dress. Belt matches black, comfortable boots.
Borderline.
Finley is certainly not as entranced this year, so I'm suitably ugly... no one will stare...
As soon as we're separated, I learn how wrong I am. I keep looking for Finley, but everyone stares at me like I were the shit under a dog's new shoes. The ''ugh, Payton's near us again'' stare. Some don't even know me, don't even know my name, but the expression is universal. I know how Beatrice feels better than I thought, after all.
Kate and Dan dance together. I can't help to watch them while Finley's gone...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkyfRu-dpvc
This comes on. I don't know why, but I think of Katie. "Thinking about her, thinking about me...." Okay, maybe not. But then it got to: "Put your hands in the air if you've ever loved somebody," and Kate looks at me like she weren't really there... and just flings her hands in the air. Flings them, looks at Dan, smiles.
But here's the thing: it was a rehearsal-faked smile.
She didn't mean it. She didn't mean her smile. She wasn't putting them in the air for Dan, then.... and I think I know who. By the way?
Dan's hands weren't in the air, Kate. You might want to consider that.
Not that it matters, since I've established twice now I don't think you'd read this if I should offer it. Oh, it hurt me to watch that monster eye other women when Kate had clearly put effort--more than normal--into looking lovely. Curled hair with those becoming red strikes, a blue dress with a see-through over layer and a darker under layer, the top layer being covered in silver-ish (maybe gold?) sparkles.
And I kept listening. I kept realizing what Kate must be hearing.
"I was at the top and now it's like I'm in the Basement; number one spot and now she found her a replacement. I swear now I can't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby."
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kate's mouthing the lyrics. The more I watch, the more I realize she's not really there. She's not really there. What else is she thinking about?
And I realize I know.
I wait for sandstorm. Sandstorm is the only song I really, really like dancing to. I fling and leap and cry like a drug-induced gypsy-stereotype. I move. Truly and utterly. Totally devoted. My heart beats so hard it's like a drum that's heard over a whole crowd of drunkards. While I do that, I realize I've lost Finley again... and I stop.
I know it's not important, you know, in view of all this learning and watching and cavorting like elderly fey who were sleepy or not caring about grace, but without Finley at those dances... I'm like Casper when he's not in his room.
When he's in his room, it's bright, and there are toys, and sun shines through him, and he's happy... almost alive... happy.
When he's not... he's a ghost. Just a ghost with memories of those toys. Too afraid to enter....
I feel like that when he's gone from me, but only at dances. Only because I know there's a worse dancer.. okay, maybe not. Maybe because... no matter how many women as pretty as Kate are near him, it's me he's with. It's me he holds. It's me he pulls close to his lips to whisper, "I love you, Mrs. Wiese." I feel so ugly at those dances. So many women and so much skin, and I'm in a velvet costume. Not to mention, I'm constantly distracted. I feel the pain and drama playing out around me, I feel the cold floor against their bare feet, feel the glimpses of men to Emily Johnshrud's lower back, feel the life soaring like dolphins over the crowd and flying up again, flying to me, flying everywhere.... it's like I'm high.
Finley still thinks I'm pretty. I love him... I love him so much.
My heart hurts, anyway. I know it shouldn't be Dan who's sitting there, bored through the slow dances, pulling her away from Sandstorm. It shouldn't be. Now that I've seen them together, before he knows me, before he knows I'm watching? Kate's beautiful. And I think that might... be all he sees. Sure, he laughs when she says something... but then, Emily laughs when Allen says something. Vice versa.
I decide to go. I can tell people the cavorting bothered me, it's true enough. After all, these teenagers are far too tame for my tastes, and over-wrought with lust, not music. I've seen revels of the Fey, have attended soul-dances with the vampyre.
True, they were acting. Acting for Lady Eliac. But still....
At the end, when I put my hand on top of Finley, I see a group--Kate's hair flouncing, Allen throwing his arms and warbling rather like a monkey swinging from a vine, back and forth--and walk up to say something to Kate.
As I cover the distance, my head runs over that song from Anastasia: "Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me, don't walk off until we're done....!"
I want to say, "Good bye. I want to talk to you Monday, please find me" but I don't, because... oh, man, I don't want to admit how this bothered me, but...
She doesn't even look at me. She and Lauren pretend to strip for the song... "It's getting hot in here (so hot) so take your clothes off" and Dan nods in approval at Kate's turned back.
I leave quietly. I take out my phone, call Neva, ask if I can still come to their party... oh, no, Payton. You can't come. You might be drunk. Besides, Leslie's here, and you *know* how Leslie feels about you. And Finley's a guy, he might rape us, and that's against the law. Sorry, we can't risk it...
Yeah, okay. It's not like you invited me or anything.
Suddenly the weight of that ''high'' comes crushing down on me.... I see Dan, smirking at his guy friends during a slow dance as Kate holds him gently... I want to run back inside. I want to walk up to Dan, tap fingers on his shoulders, and sock him in the face as hard as I can.
My fingers pull on the door, but it's too late... they're locked. We've left, it's over. Happy senior-year winter ball, bitch. We've ripped you. I stare inside at those multifaceted lights; red and blue, reflecting on the snow like a police car.
"Payton?" Finley turns back to see why I'm not a step behind him. I take his offered arm.
As we get in the car, I dial Katie. She's sick. She asks me questions I'm too dance-spun to remember how to move my lips to. She doesn't want anything but sleep, and why would she want anything else tonight? Why should she? Because I want to hold myself and be near her? I feel like such a selfish bitch that I let her go as soon as possible. I make it quick for her, open the right doors, actively lacking an apology for going against my own word and bothering her... again.
Oh, God, my heart hurts. It hurts so bad. So many people... Kate doesn't know.... Finley's spending the night here, though. He can hold me. He can sleep.
I won't, tonight. Even with my Finley here, I won't. And he's losing patience with how often my heart is preoccupied, how absent minded I am...
I'm sorry. I tried, but in the end, I'm still a coward. The music was too loud, and I couldn't turn it down, and she didn't look....
But I tried...
It didn't work.
As I run into the bathroom when we get home, I look in my mirror.
"Coward."
I'm going to bed.
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