I held a crying Finley in my arms tonight. The bill has been passed, and his future resides in teaching. Finley's hope for his future--for our future--having an apartment in two years suddenly is unavailable. Even with our combined Schuster's money from next year (roughly six hundred dollars and some eighty-dollars in addition, plus whatever we can earn in the summer), it won't do us any good to have college bills and medical bills and utilities AND rent. We couldn't do it all for sure, and certainly not with the month-ahead rent schedule we need to have.
Want to have, more like. So we sat in my basement before he went back to his house, because he just didn't want to be here, apparently, and I couldn't go with him; and I whispered it's okay, and he said that I was his only strength. Without me, he wasn't sure he could go on like he was, living on so little hope and so much love. It isn't enough to earn it or to hope for tomorrow without a today... and I was in his heart always, so surely I was that? I am hope to him.
He left then.
Now I'm alone and it's late and everyone I know is busy, and mom forgot she was taking me shopping to feed the kiddies and play patty-cake for a few hours... not to mention I completely fucked over my solo and ensemble piece.
Today sucks.
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