During rehearsal today, Kate's movements were very Allegra-like. When they were not Allegra like, they were Kate like. There were no pauses for movement, no gazes towards the door, no watch checks. Kate was Allegra. Kate was focused. Kate smiled, laughed, was charming or bitchy (as Allegra) per occasion demand.
Kate was lying like a rug. Her eyes were in so much pain I could have filled a pool with it. I debated asking, but when my fringe question failed, I dissipated attempts. I watched her as one who is horrified watches a child drown at the bottom of a chasm; wishing they could save them, but also knowing the fall would kill them, too.
It wouldn't kill me. It killed me more to not make the jump than it would have had I taken it. I made merry. I did my absolute best to fill the room, to make her smile... to be honest, I did that more to lure her over to me. I did that more so Kate would say, "Payton, Katie trusts you. Let me help." Katie told me that would not happen. Katie told me that Kate is within herself when she is upset.
It didn't matter; I had to try. I love my Kate. My heart hurts. After (and even during) rehearsal, Kate would go to people. Kate would fringe, "God, I am sooo stressed right now!" in that delectable voice she oughta be proud of. And people would say, "Why?!" In their loudest "eh" voice.
And Kate would say, "uuugh, nothing," and smile. Say a line. Smile again. Broader, Ms. Schultz is doubting it. Line. Movement. Kate laugh. No, I'm paying attention, really! Line. Movement. Laugh at Morgan's jokes. Make fun of Hannah. Distract. Line.
Lie.
There's nothing I can do. Ms. Schultz, today, is stressed and annoyed we're trying too hard--managing to misinterpret even the simplest of instructions with twenty-two people must be annoying. She isn't as bad today, though. Sometimes... being Ms. Schultz must be overwhelming. Must be killing, what with the pressure of being.... her. She hates herself. That hurts me, too. It doesn't matter it hurts me--everything does--but I can't help her yet. Someday she might let me try, but I won't overdo. I'll be straightforward. I'll have to look her in the eye and truth her, little by little, word by word.
She needs a Finley-bird, I think.
After rehearsal, I stay behind. It's early, eight opposed to nine, and I try and laugh. I try and be close. Kate talks with Ms. Schultz (Schultz summoned Kate. She's not as good an actress as she thinks, but no one wants to deal with a broken heart in high school) and then leaves early. In my mind, I stop time. I run over and make Kate come back to present with a big, "STOP! (Time stops. And then, quietly): I know your heart hurts, Kate. You'll deny it, you'll say it isn't true, that you don't need help, but you do and I know it. Please let me help you. Please put some of your eye-sorrow in me, let me carry it for you. Please tell me what's wrong."
I can't stop time. I'm not even brave enough to walk after her; she leaves without complaint and I feel like I've stolen something--she's hurt, I know it, and I can do... nothing.
I talk and laugh with Ms. Schultz, Conner, Hannah's, Jane, April-Morgan (why separate them?).... but my mind is elsewhere. My eyes are on the door. I make polite conversation. I prove I'm a twin to Hannah Engstrom. Life goes on, I smile, laugh, I hug good-bye, I wave... Finley isn't coming for awhile.
I'm in the glass-cage (front doors of building), and like always, I sing. Only, on those special nights after rehearsal when I'm really and truly alone.... I sing. I sing my heart.
Tonight, pictures of those I love flash through me. Tonight, my words are:
I don't know who you are.
Will you tell me?
Are you forever? Are you tomorrow?
....will you be mine?
What's that? You don't know me, not enough to smile? Not enough to love?
All right. But I love you.
You don't need to know my name, know my heart,
but I know yours. I'll do anything for you.
Would you mind if I love you forever?
I don't care if you never know my name.
Can I make your paradise? Sweet paradise, like snowflakes falling
like your smile on my heart, so sweet.
When you walk away from me,
I send my heart and dreams with you
I send them to you to feel and treasure;
you walk away without a word.
it hurts. Please don't walk away.
Know me. Know what I want. Listen. Listen.
Listen to my love in our glass cage;
Learn me like I love you.
Please....
I don't know who you are. Will you tell me?
Are you forever? Tomorrow?
Were you ever mine?
Say....
"I love you, too."
Mid-song, an old man--the final car in the parking lot--comes out, walking real slow, and tells me my beautiful voice. Said he moved extra hesitant, just to hear it. Just to know. He's so happy. He asks me about lessons... a future... he leaves. I sing the verses again after.... I'm sobbing mid fortissimo. I can't help it. My pictures keep going back to the people my love isn't strong enough for.
It hurts. It hurts so bad. It's terrible, but I love them. I will not stop loving them... any of them. Ever. Helpless. Finley sees me and it takes him some time to figure out. He tries to cheer me, but it isn't me that needs to be cheered. Like some horrible revelation moment in a romantic comedy, after every gesture, word, car turn, I run through what I've seen. What I should have changed. I won't sleep well tonight.
Like your heart on my heart; so sweet....
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