Special

The truth upsets people. I've always known that... but I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't, I really didn't. Counter productive moment after counter productive moment, I'm being more harm than help.... no help. No help at all. I want to just walk up to Kate and say, "I need to talk to you, please. It's important." I know I'd cry if I tried to tell her the love thing, the truth, and that I was (Taking Katie's advice) trying to help Katie, and I needed to know her side of it. Want to throw in that if she EVER needs to talk to me, I will trust her. I count myself her friend.

After seeing that I hurt her, I don't think she counts me one. Not anymore. I'm ''sweet'', not.... useful. Not... not sane. It isn't anywhere near as bad as Katie's heart hurts for her Kate, but mine does, too. I feel like my fingers telling love have malfunctioned, and it's my fault, and Katie had to defend me against her heart for it. That isn't fair, that isn't what a friend should be doing. Even then, Katie tried to share something with me and I was afraid. I was afraid of that church. I felt like the walls knew I'd done sins.... felt like they knew that I'm proud of what I've done to help people. My heart is so open. I try so hard, and I've still done things wrong, even from just reading that little book.

"If you are leading and no one is following, you aren't leading. You are merely taking a walk."

I am merely taking a walk.... through life... my heart hurting... trying to Follow God while speaking my mind makes me... inadequate. They mean it well and it hurts. Like I do to Kate.

I feel like a horrible friend. "What would they do if they knew me? If they really knew me?" Now I know: not to talk to me about what upsets them (unless they're like Katie), not answer my letters, no matter how gentle I am (unless they're like Katie), and forget me..

Tolerate me.

I think it's time I left Katie alone and stopped bugging her like this. I won't be more poison between her and Kate, I won't hurt her. I don't want to hurt her any more, I don't want to hurt either of them. I want to take Kate and tell her she's wrong about herself; because now I know her heart a little better.... and I can't. She won't let me. It's not new. It's not new to tolerate me. Kate doesn't even read this blog. I would give it to her if she asked. I'd give her my whole heart for the asking, and she already knows, and I could prove--just from what I've written on this blog--that I care. But she doesn't even talk to me when I try... I hurt her...

I'm hurting them both.

I'm hurting them.