Special: a weak list for life

Yesterday was heading for a bad day, and I made it better. I forced away the bad. I'm tired of living in a blanket woven from my shortcomings. I sang my heart at solo-ensemble. The judge was dumbstruck and hardly had two words to say to me.... I felt like a siren when his eyes searched my soul with a hunger I don't want to understand. "Such a beautiful voice...."

I got a 2. The solo-ensemble F is 2, and I got that. Not even a one, or the one starred I'd been expecting.

Every other Chamber choir soloist--no really, I've checked; Tiffany, John, Maddy--has made it to state, but I do not even pass with a worthy recognition. He told me little to nothing to improve, and yet I have failed the test, have smote my body upon a mountain side. I heard so many beautiful voices there, in that building... and I did not want to sing anymore. I felt that if I could not even ascend here, not even at state, how could I do it in the real world? I wanted to give up on my dream. I did not even smile.

Finley waits patiently after we leave. He has a job interview Wednesday, there's a new Base he really wants, and I'm helping him save for it. Whatever he can have of mine, I'll give him. It's that simple. That's what a wife should do, for her husband. It shouldn't have mattered. Mr. Engstrom swore when he saw the number on the sheet for my name. Muttered horrible things about the judge, never knowing we were behind him.

But it doesn't make my voice better, I explain calmly to the crest-fallen group who'd heard my soul in that strange way that men give women jewels and smile for it; if I had without doubt performed well enough to go to State, I'd be going.

And secretly I thought, God, this hurts me. Please guide me towards happiness today. I thought it not even consciously, but more in the secret recesses of my heart, where I knew it. Where God has always known me.

Afterward, Finley and I went to Wedl's, a burger joint that has melting burgers (no seriously, they're melting, but it is soooo delicious!!!) and ordering fried onions was an option. Um, hells yes? Finley and I talk. He starts with the night before... when I went with a play kids group to look at a mall.... but I don't want to talk about that. I'm sensitive, perhaps, but that hurt me a lot. I will not write it here, because I do not want to remember that I'm just as much a freak to them as I have been. I don't think that'll ever change, and I cannot speak to you on why that hurts me much more than it should. I couldn't even make it to the Glass cage afterward, and it felt like I'd been locked away from my dreams.

Not the thing to think of to make me happy.

And Finley says, "Payton, has Katie ever played Super Smash brothers?"

"I don't know," I said, a slow smile creeping up at the mere mention of her judge. Peverse being I am, I imagine Katie shouting down that judge until he changes his mind, his three chins wobbling as he exits. Paul Bertel....

"We should teach her," he said, nudging me towards his un-eaten french fries. "It'd be fun."

I take one. "You wouldn't mind?" I asked, staring at him, nibbling half-heartedly at the food, "Really?"

"We're hardly third-wheel acting, Payton... and I don't think only your heart is enough right now." He takes my hand, puts it on his chest. "I may be your heart, but you know, I don't know if I can make you laughing and happy again. Katie can. Call her."

I text instead. Yes, she can come!

No, she can't.

Oh.

Wait, maybe!

Actually, no. See you later. Sorry.

Stupid Payton, trying to force some Katie time like that on the fly. She's a very demanded person!

So we went to Ben's and played Zombie flux... told Blue-snuggie'd Schiffy he looked a lot like Schmendrick... Halo. I'm not so good at Halo; I was killed many a time, but I held my own in the new type of battle. I'm very good at stealth, too. Afterward, the men played Rockband, and I read the end of a book. Then I got home, Finley let me, I went to sleep. Katie texts me, actually has the nerve to apologize for being loved.

But then I read her blog. And she has this beautiful, beautiful list of things people (people like me) have told her, things she knows about herself, a horrible thing Kate wrote to her that makes me want to strangle, how she wants to change, why she does. And I thought, that is a beautiful thing!

To often lately, I have been wrapped inside myself. I'm trying to come out, but the knots are thick, and I realize a lot of it is me WANTING people to want ME to come out, at all. So I thought I'd try to make a list, too. Not a hundred things... just however many I end up with.

1. I love you. That is who I am and if I lose it the real part of my soul will die. "Do not forget me?" "Oh Thumbelina, I could never forget you."

2. People need help. Many of them I cannot reach and could do nothing for, but there are people here that, maybe, I can help. I can make them better for themselves, because they deserve it... each and every one.
"Payton you're making me cry"

3. People are afraid and skeptical. Too many try to take advantage without giving ground, and the result is that the earth is puffy with a cloud of mistrust to the common man. I must remember that when they are angry, it isn't automatically at me. Indeed, perhaps I should revel in the honor that I may sate their appetites for anger in a healthy way--for what Princess should strike back?  I will not.

4. The Roses weren't real, self. Ryan didn't really love you and he still wants to hurt you, but he's wrong. Magic does exist in your heart, your soul, and it'll always be there. You helped people with that. Do not forget them, but don't miss them so much, either.

5. I can't forget that there are good things about me. Even though people won't let me help them and make fun of me, it doesn't matter. I am beautiful, if not stunning. I am balanced. I am a lady. I am my Finley's wife. I am Katie's heart-song, sometimes, on those rare days when I can help... when I know what to say. I may not be the best at art, music, writing; but I can do and love them. Even Marius was not always a great painter.

6. I can gain power. Maybe, just maybe, I have enough ''power'' as Payton. Maybe Eliac didn't have anything I didn't give her. Maybe I'm a princess after all.

6.5. And yes, Katie, if you read this, that means I'm still doing your dishes. Deal with it.

7. God Loves me. He's going to see me through my heart-hearts, I know he will.


So you see, I have no hundred great-truths. I only have seven.

But they are a marvelous seven; would not you say?